Page 3 | To be concerned my husband is taking a step back in his career

EdgyCrow · 2026-03-10T12:30:30+00:00

My husband is a senior commercial manager on a huge infrastructure project. He works extremely hard and always has (working until midnight multiple times a week and frequently on weekends). He earns a good salary but over the last 6 months has started to absolutely hate his job, is so stressed/angry and feels its far too much work. He started talking about wanting to take a step back and have someone appointed above him. This made me nervous wondering if he'd be pushed out. He reached out to his boss who was very supportive who said they really valued him and thought he was doing a great boss but they would put someone in above him if that what he wanted. The next couple of weeks he continued to be very stressed and overworked and was so miserable. Today they are starting g the transition for someone to come in above him and im just so anxious about how it will play out. Has he talked himself out of a job? He says he is relieved and looking forward to not doing the management side. They haven't mentioned a pay cut but im worried that might happen? I feel guilty that I haven't been more supportive of him protecting his well being but have been preoccupied with what the financial impact will be in these expensive times! For what its worth, we live below our means and do have surplus money each month so could technically afford a drop but have big plans for the money for our future.

Seeingadistance · 10/03/2026 21:36

pinkyredrose · 10/03/2026 12:34

I'd be more concerned about his mental health than his career. Job stress is the worst, it affects every part of your life. He could end up too ill to work if he keeps going the way he is.

You need to support him. What 'big plans' for the future do you have? Do you work?

I agree.

He's being very sensible to have spoken to his employer about this, asking for help, and they clearly value him because they have taken action.

By sounds of things he is teetering on the edge of being extremely unwell, and is aware of that and has hopefully averted a real crisis.

Mischance · 10/03/2026 21:31

My OH did similar. He was a GP and the stress became too much for him so at 42 he left the practice and just did locums, working part time. The repercussions in our case were huge ... we had to downsize and move house. I upped my working hours.
I regret nothing. Before he retired fully (at 60) he was found to have Parkinsons Disease and had no quality retirement at all before he died at 72. I spent a lot of time nursing him and our lives were greatly curtailed.
His pension was/is of course much smaller but I manage.
Your OH is right to protect his mental health. It is good he can do this without your lifestyles being badly impacted.
I hope life will be easier for you all now.

Mosman2020 · 10/03/2026 21:29

Get income protection insurance first thing tomorrow morning just in case he does actually have a breakdown and then at least you’ll have the still coming in.

Isit2026yet · 10/03/2026 21:27

BlackRowan · 10/03/2026 20:22

It reasonable to be also concerned about income.

why is the solution to bring someone above him rather than below?

Probably because he doesn't want to add more management to the workload.

Isit2026yet · 10/03/2026 21:26

@EdgyCrow as the main earner and someone who has always done manic hours he’s telling you he needs a break. When I said this to my DH it was OK. And my break was I'm going to take a year off, I then changed that to a quarter (I run my own consultancy) as I'd be bored. But coming back into it I am resetting and now only working 3.5 days a week.

whattheysay · 10/03/2026 21:26

Crushed23 · 10/03/2026 20:33

If he is only earning twice what a teacher working 0.8 FT is earning while working until midnight multiple times a week and weekends, then he is absolutely 100% right to pull back. A ‘senior manager’ role working what must be 70+ hours a week should be earning minimum £200k. His employer is taking the piss.

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I thought the same when she said she earns 50% of his salary.

Bugbabe1970 · 10/03/2026 21:15

Surely they would have told him if he was getting a pay cut?

SquirelAttack · 10/03/2026 20:35

Taking a long term view, a small reduction now which allows him to work for longer is better than carrying on, burning out and ending up not earning at all.

Crushed23 · 10/03/2026 20:33

EdgyCrow · 10/03/2026 19:42

I understand people's questions about why I work 4 days etc and why I dont care about his wellbeing and I'm concerned that's how it looks from the outside. I definitely dont feel like a freeloader in my marriage, I do 90% of the family load and the day off helps me to do that. I bring in 50% of his salary so the extra day would not make a huge difference to our finances considering we'd need 2 kids in wraparound care. There's no bones of contention in the relationship, we both play our part. I think two things can be true- I can be very concerned about his wellbeing and concerned about the financial impact of changes. I think most people would have to reassess their finances if their partners income dropped and whilst its absolutely worth it, it doesn't mean its not a consideration at all.

The stories about the impact of stress on health have alarmed me. Probably naive to not have considered it too much before but my husband has been working long hours for our entire relationship and has always balanced this with an active social life and general happiness. This hasn't come from nowhere,its been brewing for 6 months or so but reached a point last weekend where he said he couldn't continue as it. Reading that everyone thinks his hours have been mad though has really opened my eyes and the dangers of stress and im grateful he has made the change.

Edited

If he is only earning twice what a teacher working 0.8 FT is earning while working until midnight multiple times a week and weekends, then he is absolutely 100% right to pull back. A ‘senior manager’ role working what must be 70+ hours a week should be earning minimum £200k. His employer is taking the piss.

BlackRowan · 10/03/2026 20:22

It reasonable to be also concerned about income.

why is the solution to bring someone above him rather than below?

Branster · 10/03/2026 20:20

I think it is good he has recognised the situation he is in and has been proactive in trying to help himself and address stress and tiredness levels.
His physical and mental health are far more important for your family long term than the financial gain. He either carries on as he is and won’t get to live to retirement age or he does reach retirement age with bad chronic illnesses.
If anything you should support his decision if it means his stress levels will be drastically reduced. At the same time you should have a frank conversation about the future of your long term financial plans because it is making you very stressed. Together you can plan better rather than you worry in your head about it on your own.

FeastisReady · 10/03/2026 20:16

He hates his job, it’s making him ill, and instead of moaning about it, he’s taken some action to resolve it. Sounds like a great guy to me.

CypressGrove · 10/03/2026 20:09

For your DH to have asked for this would indicate to me he was way closer to a full breakdown than you realised - as this would be a difficult ask in most work places. And that would have led to a massive drop in income - as opposed to no actual drop in income (just fears of a future one).

MerryGuide · 10/03/2026 20:08

About 5 years ago my DH said he couldn't continue his role, the stress was eating him alive. It consumed everything.

He's still with the same company, no line management anymore but in a more specialised role, highly regarded, many decent salary jumps. If he hadn't spoken out there'd have been no chance he'd still be with the company, and it would have destroyed his confidence.
I wish him well and I'm sure it will be worth if for you both.

SpringCalling · 10/03/2026 20:08

OP have you seen what @TinyCottageGirl said? Seems like she has more knowledge than most of your husband’s industry.

Crazybigtoe · 10/03/2026 20:00

People get stuck in the main breadwinner role with seemingly no way out. It's absolutely relentless pressure for years and years.

The oh I only earn 50% of what they do so there would be no point...isn't helpful. Have some empathy. Open the lines of communication. Maybe switch roles for a while.

Delatron · 10/03/2026 19:47

I hear what you’re saying OP but the situation is completely untenable for your DH and he can’t go on like this. I understand the financial worries and it may help if you both sit down and have a 5 year plan. So he looks at long term options for his career either at his current business or a new job. A sideways move and then work his way back up somewhere where the hours would be less? A career change?

Plus at some point childcare costs go right down so you’ll be in a better position. It was never sustainable for him to work himself in to a nervous breakdown..!

Original poster

EdgyCrow · 10/03/2026 19:42

I understand people's questions about why I work 4 days etc and why I dont care about his wellbeing and I'm concerned that's how it looks from the outside. I definitely dont feel like a freeloader in my marriage, I do 90% of the family load and the day off helps me to do that. I bring in 50% of his salary so the extra day would not make a huge difference to our finances considering we'd need 2 kids in wraparound care. There's no bones of contention in the relationship, we both play our part. I think two things can be true- I can be very concerned about his wellbeing and concerned about the financial impact of changes. I think most people would have to reassess their finances if their partners income dropped and whilst its absolutely worth it, it doesn't mean its not a consideration at all.

The stories about the impact of stress on health have alarmed me. Probably naive to not have considered it too much before but my husband has been working long hours for our entire relationship and has always balanced this with an active social life and general happiness. This hasn't come from nowhere,its been brewing for 6 months or so but reached a point last weekend where he said he couldn't continue as it. Reading that everyone thinks his hours have been mad though has really opened my eyes and the dangers of stress and im grateful he has made the change.

OP posts:

SparkleHorse82 · 10/03/2026 17:15

Gosh, I’d be more worried about his physical health and mental health than any future money plans.

Working those hours for years and years leads to a higher risk of stroke, heart disease, depression, Alzheimer’s and early death. Also, isn’t it ruining your marriage ?

I’m wondering about your income. What percentage of the household income do you make, and do you have the potential to make? If he steps back a bit could he pick up some kid stuff (pick ups/drop offs) and you work more hours to make up the gap?

goz · 10/03/2026 17:09

It sounds like he’s happy to take a pay cut, what’s the issue? He currently earns a good salary and he’s absolutely miserable. The hours he’s currently working sound completely unsustainable.
You don’t sound sympathetic to your husband at all.

lightand · 10/03/2026 17:03

Yes, dont neglect his all round health.

InterestedDad37 · 10/03/2026 17:00

Someone close to me had a heart attack recently, and it's really been a wake up call to slow down and focus on wellbeing.
Put simply, there's no point in having those big plans if the journey itself is gonna kill you.

Original poster

EdgyCrow · 10/03/2026 16:37

Thank you for all replies. I think the biggest thing that has opened my eyes is that his working hours were previously insane. I know that sounds ridiculous, but for our whole relationship, he has worked evenings until late and so I didn't really have anything to compare it to. His salary is much higher than I grew up with so I think I just kind of thought that's how many hours you have to work to command the salary. So its been really helpful to understand that this is not acceptable or normal.
I am definitely able to now see that he has done such a positive thing for himself and our family.

In terms of increasing my days to full time to mitigate, this is an option but would have impact on our family set up where he would need to take on more which may not be possible. But food for thought as well as looking at where to tweak. Thank you all for helping me see this with more clarity.

OP posts:

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/03/2026 16:29

I agree with the poster suggesting you increase to 5 days a week, after all if he drops dead then I suspect you would only have your part time earnings and his life insurance.

And I suppose there are opportunities / promotions you can plan for in years to come depending if Primary or Secondary - SEN specialist / Head of year / etc.

Pokko · 10/03/2026 16:21

OP, it sounds as if his ours were absolutely insane. 70- 80 hours a week or so? Not sustainable.
Was he paid for overtime?
If not, then he was being absolutely screwed.