AIBU for wanting to be able to call/message my single mum girlfriend when she has her kids?

Sorry for your loss, but you cannot have what you lost. That's impossible for any new girlfriend to do.

I am childfree and my life is the polar opposite of your girlfriends. I actively carved out a life of peace, quiet, plenty of free time.
You will (rightly) come last after all of this womans overwhelming responsibilities.
There's lots of childfree communities online. Have you had bereavement therapy?

I have two kids and it took me 7 hours to reply to my husband the other day. She's busy and you're not her number one priority when she's solo parenting her 5(!) kids.

I can understand not doing phonecalls, tbh by the time even the younger kids are in bed she probably just wants a moment's peace, but I am surprised she doesn't text you back a bit more often - it only takes seconds. But then are you likely to call her if she texts you? Because I'd hate that.

I think it's understandable that she is so busy, but also understandable that this may not be what you want given you don't have to work around children in the same way. In your position I can completely see why only seeing her every other weekend (I assume) is not really what you're looking for - it likely works for her because she is busy the rest of the time, but it sounds like you'd be better off - sadly - ending it and looking for someone with a little more free time.

Five children is too many to take on. Going through a difficult divorce and an unpleasant ex are not things I'd be holding space for either.

She's lying about your existence by having you under a false name. You're basically an affair partner. If you are even brought into the open you'll have to lie forever about when you met.

What you have now would suit someone looking for a casual set up. If you want more than that I doubt you'll get it with her.

I was referring not to length of time since her split, but her current circumstances.

Christ tell me you don’t have kids without telling me you don’t have kids

you are completely clueless - I was going to put “kindly” but surely no one can be this oblivious that a single parent of so many children and also working means her communication into be sporadic and limited.

At least you know that now op. Dating after loss is really difficult and grief doesn't move in a straight line so you're going to find yourself repeatedly in situations where you need to reflect and reconsider your motivations and what you need/ want. Those moments can become a little more spaced out but you'll still find them happening.

Noone will ever take the place of your late wife but I think there's a conversation you need to have with your girlfriend to explain where you're at and how she sees the relationship playing out and if there are ways you can meet in the middle.

But I also think you need to consider why you decided you didn't want kids in the first place if you're wanting to blend a life with someone who has lots of kids and you absolutely can't compare the lifestyle and the availability from a partner that you had with your wife, to someone with children. Even for married couples who are sharing kids in a happy relationship it's difficult to make space for each other.

The other side to this is that unless you're wanting a child of your own, neither of you are in a particular rush to 'settle down'. One of the silver linings to having your kids and being back in the dating pool is that you can make it what you want it to be without feeling like you need to get married and have babies before she's losing fertility. So I'm wondering if you can reframe it for yourself in that way a bit? If you felt secure enough in the relationship to accept that the majority of your time together is going to have to be very structured then I think there is something about the best of both worlds there. You have a chance for your own independence/ hobbies/ friends etc and then it's great when you are together. And she's not wrong that in the future there's nothing stopping you from eventually moving in together (if that's what she also wants further down the line). This is just where you're at right now and I think sometimes after a break up of a long term relationship or a loss like you've experienced its very common to want to sort of speed time along so you don't feel like you're 'starting from scratch' in a new relationship because you miss the intimacy and the experience that comes from being with someone for a long time where you really know each other. But it's not a healthy thing to do so either you are aware of it and you can keep it in check, or you can't in which case maybe there is a bit more work you need to do around your grief with a counsellor or similar. 7 months really is not that long and timelines have to slow down when kids are involved to keep them safe.

It might be best to date a childless woman.

How so? We don’t know how long ago she may have split from the father of her children if the baby is 7. His may work perfectly well for her, seeing the OP on the weekends her younger children stay with their father. She’s not to know the OP wants much more frequent text and phone contact. If it’s not working for him, it’s on him to raise the issue or end it.

I think you've identified a real issue here. You are looking for companionship and someone nearby to talk to and laugh with. But you have become involved with a lovely but very busy mum of young children, who is divorcing a jealous and possessive ex.

So is she lovely and loving enough to wait 10 years for? Or is she the right person but wrong time for you? Whilst you decide, invest in other ways of building companionship and friendship. It's always good to build friendships - and to use your time and energy to be with others too. And men, IME, tend not to build up a wide base of support structures. (Are there old friends who would appreciate meeting up for a drink? A new hobby you could explore? Volunteering can open your eyes to whole worlds of friendship and fun and giving.)

Whether you stay with her or look elsewhere, your relationships will be all the richer for having a wider network around you.

But you've chosen to date a woman who is still married. And with 4 children from ages 7 to 16 living with her.

You cannot expect this woman, in her complex and busy situation, to fill the life role that your wife with no children did.

You're aiming for the constant contact and companionship you had and this woman is not even close to being able to give you that and won't be for many years. She can't be your life companion. She has other priorities.

So you decide do you want this woman and the very limited relationship she can offer you or do you want a relationship that can progress to life companion?

You’ve put that you think relationships need “healthy communication”. But there’s nothing “unhealthy” about what you’re describing, your problem is quantity. Maybe you need to put more thought in to what you need?

I think you need to be realistic that if you’re dating someone who has kids at home, you have to come after the kids in their priorities. That is how things should be. And that will either work for you or it won’t.

Id suggest building the rest of your life up more. You lost someone who took up a huge part of your life. Finding one person to replace all of that is not a realistic aim. Fill different parts of your life with different things and people, and maybe you’ll find the space you have for your girlfriend is just right.

OK, well, bluntly, you’re not ever going to get the sole focus you got from your childfree wife who lived with you from a single parent of five young children who works almost FT and is going through a difficult divorce. I think you need to let go your idea that you can ‘replace’ your marriage with someone whose circumstances are so utterly different.

To be honest, I think SHE has moved a bit too quickly into a relationship, given her circumstances.

Really, you don't need to worry about women who are independent enough not to have 'settled down' in the wrong relationship. I've seen your most recent update, and I'm really sorry for your loss. From what you've said, I don't think this woman's circumstances make her a good match for you.

My daughter has three children in that age range, and a part-time job.

I get to speak to her once a week max. I keep my texts and messages to a minimum outside agreed catch-up times, and I don't expect her to answer any of them straightaway and allow for that.

Your GF is busy.

Probably a bit unfair as it sounds as though you haven’t got children yourself - no judgment but I don’t think you can write off childfree women of your age!

Edited as I saw your response re your username. I am very sorry for your loss.

If this doesn’t work out, maybe look for someone whose children are all grown, or at least where the youngest are later teens. You will probably get more communication from them!

Worried that they didn't have multiple kids and an abusive ex? What a weird view!

I'm not sure of your previous relationship status. But if you're 46 and never been married then this is likely the ideal low commitment relationship for you. Realistically, do you want a more intense romantic relationship than you already have? Are you thinking there may be a future for you as her kids' step father etc? I can understand why she's taking it very slowly with you. It's a bit of fun for now but she's still married and committed to her kids. She probably thinks that's what you want too. What is your relationship history?

Do you have other friends like her mum friends? Your are coming across as a bit needy and intense. I think you're after that complete infatuation feeling which is difficult with such little contact, not that's for 20 year olds not 46 year olds with 5 children and difficult exes.

I don't think you will need to wait a decade for things to change. Maybe 2-3 years whilst the divorce settles and her youngest is established in secondary school. In the meantime, I would really examine what you want and if that's the best thing for her too, when you think about her circumstances. If what you want, and what's best for her, are not the same thing, then let this go.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, she sounds like a busy woman but it's ok for you to say you need more than she's currently able to give.

I dated for about 3 weeks when I was getting divorced.

The man I met was lovely, at first.

Then, he began pushing to find out exactly where I lived. I was really happy to be open and connect, but that didn't feel safe.

I was co-parenting 50/50 in the beginning and I jealously guarded my time with my children. My biggest red line was absolutely no contact while I had my children with me.

He texted me during that time, so I ended it. Three years later, I have no regrets. We still say hello, but if you can't happily stick to her boundaries, it won't work. It's a shame, but someone else out there will be who you need them to be.

Good luck OP.

Edited as posted too soon.

Yikes, 5 kids and still married, why would you choose to get involved?

replies to messages are hit and miss, she doesn't call, and doesn't answer calls. Given that she has the children most of the time, there's just not a whole lot of communication, and I've always felt that relationships rely on healthy communication.

She has 5 kids, 4 under 16, and you want her to be more available to communicate with when her kids are with her.

Dude. Get a grip. She's going through a possibly high conflict divorce. She hasn't told her kids she's seeing someone. She is a busy mom. She works 4 days a week.

Your expectations are unreasonable for a woman in her situation. You take up much of her free time and wanted more. She is fielding a tricky situation with regards to her divorce and her kids and yes, you're being needy. Yes, you come behind her kids. She fits you into her busy, complicated life when she can. Is that enough for you?

It sounds like you want much more togetherness in a relationship than she is free to give you, so you're incompatible.