If someone ghosted you during a really dark time, would you tell them how much it hurt when they later resurfaced?

I wouldn't give them a lengthy speech on the matter but I wouldn't let them be close to me again. If they ever ask what's the reason for me "suddenly" distancing myself from them (actual words by a former friend that left me for a while then appeared out of nowhere as if nothing changed), then I'd happily let them know my new opinions on them.

I probably wouldn’t want to speak to them if they reappeared but it would depend on the circumstances and the relationship.

I think it depends on the situation i have had to care for 2 suicidal people 1 successfully and 1 thankfully didn't succeed and is doing much better now but I honestly haven't got it in me to deal with another suicidal person again the nights in hospital the constant checking up on them the absolute fear when they disappear. It destroyed my mh and as harsh as it seems I would have to step back if I was in that situation again

It would probably depend who they are/were in my life. If a friend suddenly messaged me after this I’d say “sorry who?”. If they responded to that they’d get it hot and strong and then be ignored

@nowayho, What you won't understand, if you've never experienced bereavement of an immediate family member who you deeply loved, is that it doesn't wash over. That's not the way it works. It changes you at a deep level and you'll never be the same person you were before, and neither will the world ever look the same. You have to start again, learning how to be in a world that looks the same but feels like an alien planet. You start a new existence that feels totally different from the world you lived in before. Remember the way the Dementors made people feel in Harry Potter? That's how it feels, and JK's grief for her mother is what she based those feelings on. Like all the colour in the world is gone, and there is just a grey, quiet, bleak vacuum. As if you can see unpleasant colours that you didn't know existed before. You emerge blinking in the sunlight of a whole new world, where your emotional landscape looks like a WW2 bomb site, and you're faced with putting it all back together, although it will all be different.

When it happens again, if you value the people close to you, I strongly recommend researching ways to talk to them and support them. I cannot tell you how much it breaks you when you lose close relationships while going through the above. And when something really serious happens to you yourself, whether bereavement or illness (and the chances are high that we'll experience bereavement, at least) you will really, really need people.

Yes - like above, no access to your current life or emotional world.

If I saw them in person again id probably just be breezy and very casual if they spoke to me first. I'd be polite but not enthusiastic and I wouldn't speak about anything personal if they asked.

was it one friend or a group of friends?

Did your partner and friend forgive you for ignoring them during those times?

As long as you won't be hurt if, in turn, if something horrific happens to you and some of the closest people to you vanish for good, then I think that's OK.

Did you ever consider looking on the internet for guidance to what to say to people going through these things, or tips etc. as how best to support them?

Yes, twice. After parental deaths preceded by long and heart-breaking illnesses and while I was in the middle of marital break-up, too. I calmly expressed myself, about how hurt I was that they had not been around for me. One time it happened with my ex-bestie when my mum died, then with my relation a few years later when Dad died. Effectively, each told me they couldn’t give a flying fuck how much they’d hurt me. At that point I lost my temper, stood up for myself, and I haven’t spoken to either of them in 11 years. I made it clear I would never do so again and said things that can never be taken back. Trash firmly dragged out.

Be ready for them to react badly if you try to express your hurt, OP, no matter how calmly and constructively you try to do so. Few people can bear to realise what total shits they really are.

Just to give a different perspective, which is going to make me sound like a dick, & rightly so.

When things happen to people really close to me, I have no idea how to react. So for example, my partners Dad passed away a few years ago. I had no idea how to react so I just tried to ignore the whole thing. My friend split up from a long term relationship & while I was there for her, I just didn't know how to react & therefore pulled away for a little bit. This has happened a few times in my life where I pull away when people have really major issues. I feel completely clueless about what the right thing to say or do is. I just avoid until it’s all washed over.

I know it’s the most selfish, ridiculous reaction but it naturally happens every time. Just saying perhaps this person isn’t intentionally being a dick. Although that doesn’t mean they aren’t a dick.

A tricky one. You might risk finding out something you might regret knowing.

Intentionally quite vague as it is outing, but I faded out a former friend after the death of one of their family members because some of their behaviour in the lead up to that death was truly unforgiveable to me. I just did not want to be friends with someone that would do those things. But out of respect for the fact that she was grieving, and the fact that she couldn't undo her actions, I decided I would never tell her why unless she asked. She never did. She isn't very self aware, so is probably completely oblivious to the fact that her behaviour was why I distanced myself.

i agree with @dollius only my response is much more severe.

They’d be out. One and done.

Well I'd consider the friendship as shallow at best, or non existent, and treat it as such.

I would never be “open” for them again. I would never trust them.

I personally would not know how to tell someone they had really upset me. I don't think it is the kind of thing you can say to another person and expect a helpful reply. Only if it is a vey close family member such as parent, partner etcetera.
Apparently, ghosting someone in trouble is a key human characteristic from what I've read !

No second chance whatsoever.

Why on earth would you want to let them back into your life?

Surely you would give them the cold shoulder?

So there would not be an opportunity to “ tell them how much their silence hurt you”…

It depends if friend or family. If friend they would be demoted to acquaintance and I would have as little to do with them as possible. If extended family I would be polite to them but again no emotional closeness or family holidays just see them when I had to. I don’t see that having a go at them would achieve anything. They will just get defensive and make excuses, you will get angry and upset, nothing really changes. If they ask why you are less friendly than before you could say but they will know.

No. I’d say nothing. But I’d also not have them in my life again.

I think it's hard to say if you don't know the situation, for example how good friends you had been, what was happening to you.
I know that when a person whom I thought was my best friend just ignored me when I had an unexpected death of a close relation and another close relationship had a terminal diagnosis, I kept her at arm's length from then on. If work hadn't meant we had to see each other fairly often, I'd have cut her off completely.

I would presume they dont want to be in my life so why on earth would I want to be in theirs?, they are not a paid therapist so maybe they have trouble coping with what I put on them?

Maybe they were having their own hard time and couldnt cope with me as well? there could be lots of reasons but if someone tried this on me I would respond by asing them why now if they are in a good place what are they hoping to get out of it? and relationships work both ways

so no I would not do this to anyone else and would not expect anyone to do this to me

One school mum, not a close friend, had MH problems and I always tried to support her, but when I had a problem in pregnancy that was life threatening (went on a long time, in and out of hospital, needed operations and eventually lost the baby), it turned out her problems had escalated and I wasn't there for her (I didn't know and wasn't online when I was in hospital because I felt too bad to want to be). So sometimes there can be genuine reasons why people aren't there, though admittedly it's unlikely that's the case for everyone.
I'd say if they meant a lot to you, give them a chance to explain themselves. If they can't, keep them as acquaintances to go out with if they are fun, but forget about them as meaningful friends.

I didn't respond when this happened to me.

Would you want to be friends again?

It sounds like it would be best to move on and live well without them, since they were never true friends.