Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Pokko · 11/03/2026 09:30

Please sell the house asap.
You have paperwork to provide to prove the majority is yours.
Get out now, while you can.
He will lay hands on you one day, have no doubt about it.
He is using you.

Please try and protect yourself while you can.
Contact Women's aid for support.

It would be a crime to inflict him on a child.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 11/03/2026 09:17

Aaaaargh!!!Will you listen to everyone on here!!!

Selling the house now is the only sensible option and not an over-reaction.

If you carry on minimising his bad behaviour and trying to justify it, you will massively regret doing that in 5/10/20 yrs time.

It will not get better, only an awful lot worse!

NoisyViewer · 11/03/2026 09:02

OrangeTrees7 · 11/03/2026 08:56

2 weeks in…I think perhaps everyone’s a bit stressed with the upheaval. It’s not as if he was sat on his arse, you have to suck up sometimes that you have certain jobs to do whilst he does others, especially if you can’t do them yourself. I’d expect moving forwards jobs are split evenly but in the initial moving in phase you do what has to be done.

reading your update:
I think people’s response about money can be sightly wrong. I paid 0 of our deposit and for years paid 40% of bills. My partner didn’t resent this. We now do 50/50 even though I’m the higher earner. If you don’t have a plan in place together for him to up his earnings then you need to work on that asap. If he’s not then he needs to accept his has to pick up the slack on his afternoons off. I do shift work, I pick up the slack on weekdays where I’m home, he needs to do the same.

the slamming and throwing needs to stop asap, if he can’t then he needs to shape up or ship out.

keep proof of your contributions to the home, deposit. Furniture etc especially if you haven’t protected your deposit

Edited

2 weeks in my and hubby could barely get ourselves out of bed. We enjoyed doing all the household tasks together.

NoisyViewer · 11/03/2026 09:01

i feel he may feel emasculated you’re out performing him by quite some way, but that’s not your problem. He’s less responsible, less productive & immature. We all have differences in our relationships but is this really what you want your life to look like. If you have kids how is that going to be for you. Take that Little miss righteous comment and wear it like a badge of fucking honour. Because if you’re little miss righteous his a little man baby. My advice now but would change if you had kids is to get out now. Lesson learnt and cut your loses and go home.

AInightingale · 11/03/2026 08:58

OrangeTrees7 · 11/03/2026 08:56

2 weeks in…I think perhaps everyone’s a bit stressed with the upheaval. It’s not as if he was sat on his arse, you have to suck up sometimes that you have certain jobs to do whilst he does others, especially if you can’t do them yourself. I’d expect moving forwards jobs are split evenly but in the initial moving in phase you do what has to be done.

reading your update:
I think people’s response about money can be sightly wrong. I paid 0 of our deposit and for years paid 40% of bills. My partner didn’t resent this. We now do 50/50 even though I’m the higher earner. If you don’t have a plan in place together for him to up his earnings then you need to work on that asap. If he’s not then he needs to accept his has to pick up the slack on his afternoons off. I do shift work, I pick up the slack on weekdays where I’m home, he needs to do the same.

the slamming and throwing needs to stop asap, if he can’t then he needs to shape up or ship out.

keep proof of your contributions to the home, deposit. Furniture etc especially if you haven’t protected your deposit

Edited

It's how he's reacting to it - tantrums and shouting and banging things, verbal abuse of OP. And also has history of it while living with his mum! That's not moving stress, that's a dangerous pattern emerging.

OrangeTrees7 · 11/03/2026 08:56

2 weeks in…I think perhaps everyone’s a bit stressed with the upheaval. It’s not as if he was sat on his arse, you have to suck up sometimes that you have certain jobs to do whilst he does others, especially if you can’t do them yourself. I’d expect moving forwards jobs are split evenly but in the initial moving in phase you do what has to be done.

reading your update:
I think people’s response about money can be sightly wrong. I paid 0 of our deposit and for years paid 40% of bills. My partner didn’t resent this. We now do 50/50 even though I’m the higher earner. If you don’t have a plan in place together for him to up his earnings then you need to work on that asap. If he’s not then he needs to accept his has to pick up the slack on his afternoons off. I do shift work, I pick up the slack on weekdays where I’m home, he needs to do the same.

the slamming and throwing needs to stop asap, if he can’t then he needs to shape up or ship out.

keep proof of your contributions to the home, deposit. Furniture etc especially if you haven’t protected your deposit

WorstPaceScenario · 11/03/2026 08:51

It's also worth reiterating what others have said: these early days should be the halcyon days of excitement and romance. If this is what he's like now, imagine what he'll be like in five years' time when he's really shown his true colours. By then, there's be five years' more of your cash in that house, five years of your money supplementing his part time earnings which could have gone into saving for your own place, and five more years of him eroding your confidence in your own judgement.

WorstPaceScenario · 11/03/2026 08:48

"I've always wanted my own home"

@Modernop This is not your own home. It's a home you share with someone who treats you like shit and appears to want you to do as much of the financial heavy lifting as he can get away with, as well as doing the majority of the domestic labour. He has made you cry, made you doubt yourself, and made you feel stuck. You cannot create a safe and happy home with this man. What you can do is get shot of him, accept the financial setback that this might have caused you on your route to having your own home as a stark lesson in how cohabiting can change your relationship dynamic, and go on to live a life where you're free to only accept respect, mutual effort, and happiness.

Littlejellyuk · 11/03/2026 08:06

Selling the house is NOT an overreaction. It IS the appropriate safe response. 💯

Are you afraid that is what it will look like? Like a overreaction by you? 🤔
That he and/or others will call you crazy or something like that? No. Just no. Fuck him 👎

Best to look like an overreactor and GET OUT NOW, instead of being a broken, dowtrodden, shadow of a broken woman (with a black eye or worse) in the future. 😔

Get your financial ducks in a row and don't let him weasel his way/ talk you out of it. 🦆

Sending hugs 🫂
@Modernop

tara66 · 11/03/2026 06:45

OP just give as good as you get - maybe he will then be the one to move out?!
He is ''Little Mister Misogynist'' etc of course!
If he scares you - call the police at once.
Pack HIS suitcase.
He can go back to mum - as he is ''Little Mister Very Immature'' etc!

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 11/03/2026 03:18

What is the point in sticking with this man? Get away from him..You deserve better

Pinnacles · 11/03/2026 01:44

You cannot live with this man. Whatever it takes - kick him out, buy him out, get tenants in - get rid of him. There is no dream here to salvage.

Jeschara · 11/03/2026 01:40

Please get out, it's not too late. If you stay he will bring you down. If you can prove you paid the 70% deposit you may get that back, sell the house you may get a little bit of profit from it. Then run as far away from this bastard as you can.

This man tries to make you feel inferior because he is inferior to you and he knows it. He would not name call otherwise. Good for you fir making him pay half the bills though.

Good luck

SadSaq · 11/03/2026 00:45

Nothing more to add but support. Please get out. See a solicitor ASAP.

Wellretired · 11/03/2026 00:39

I'm.definitely in the get out of the relationship camp. Can you manage to buy him.out? Maybe take in a lodger to make up the income? He's absolutely horrible to you and even if he starts "helping" you it will all still be your responsibility. Don't marry, dont get pregnant. It will only get worse.

Booboobagins · 11/03/2026 00:30

You set your standard low @Modernop Sadly if you stay with him, this is your life and if you have kids, they'll be your responsubity too.

Get out now whilst you can.

AdoraBell · 10/03/2026 23:59

He is showing you how your life be with him. His servant, cook, cleaner and arse wiper.

You deserve much better, get rid of him.

Jeschara · 10/03/2026 23:56

I think you should leave. This man is a angry manipulative bastard. You put down 70% of the deposit on the house, he was trying to make you pay more than 50% of the bills because you work long hours and earn more. He works part time. See where this going?

The abuse from him is horrible, he name calls you to make you feel bad about yourself. He works part time, does not do his fair share of the house work. If you stay with him you are enabling him and he will carry on being the selfish abusive prick he is.

Iamnotalemming · 10/03/2026 23:24

He sounds like he would be a shit housemate, let alone partner. Work out what it would take to buy him out / take on mortgage alone. Go and see a broker. You could take in a lodger to help cover the costs.
I wish you all the best.
PS make sure your contraception is ironclad...

thegreatreckoning · 10/03/2026 23:22

We are sold the Mr D'Arcy myth! Behind every moody, rude, bad tempered git is a lovely, big softy waiting for an Elizabeth Bennet to open his heart! Complete bullshit. Most of them are born wankers and remain wankers.

Strawberry53 · 10/03/2026 23:21

So he ate the dinner you made and didn’t do the dishes annd clean the kitchen after? No way. In our house if you cook you don’t clean and that’s just the rule. I’d highly recommend implementing that immediately.

That only solves one of the many problems here. He clearly has anger issues and needs to work on them. He clearly does not appreciate you in the slightest and name calling and all that towards you is really horrible. That would get anyone down. You deserve somebody who is as ambitious and caring as you appear to be, I wouldn’t settle for this man unless he does some serious work on himself.

Anyahyacinth · 10/03/2026 23:19

TwistedWonder · 10/03/2026 22:53

Sorry OP but this abusive entitled cocklodging prick saw you coming. I know it’s too late now but honestly why on earth did you think buying a house with him was a good idea?

You need to cut your losses, take the financial
hit and write this off as a mistake. That’s not easy but staying would be a far bigger mistake.

We are taught from childhood a woman should be part of a couple / have a man…no matter how lacking they are…it’s easy to overlook their qualities as women aren’t taught to have equitable standards…expect them to clean, tidy, cook, adult etc…

Anyahyacinth · 10/03/2026 23:16

He is already stealing your happiness about achieving a life goal. His behaviour is unsafe as it is filled with contempt.

It’s hard as you love (him) properly but you must love your hopes for a happy life more…listen to how he doesn’t like you and get him out or leave yourself. Take safe steps as men like this are dangerous.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cg5nelp5enpo

RawBloomers · 10/03/2026 23:15

Selling the house isn’t over reacting - it’s the only way out of a miserable situation that will choke your life. At the moment you are under reacting.

This is the best it’s ever going to be. The honeymoon period. And he has you dancing a jig every time you dare to stray from the compliant doormat he wants.

watchingthishtread · 10/03/2026 23:05

Can you buy him out and rent out a room?

Please, please, please do not just muddle along until you get pregnant and end up doing everything by yourself while we watchs and complains.

Swipe left for the next trending thread