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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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5
Zerosleep · 11/03/2026 21:33

Fuck me girl, run, just run. Get rid and move on. That’s his tactic, shame and upset you into thinking it’s all your responsibility while he behaves like a child with a new mummy. If someone shows you who they are, believe them. No fixing, no compromising, it’s not going to work.

GooglieWooglyWooglyWooglyWoo · 11/03/2026 21:26

TheSlantedOwl · 09/03/2026 21:37

You didn’t ask him wrong - the tone thing is a depressingly common response to an exasperated woman asking for a modicum of adult responsibility from a selfish man.

stay strong on this one. Don’t go soft and try to appease him. Stick to your guns.

Yeh I agree with this - stay strong. The more you appease him with these situations the further he will feel that he can push. If you want it to get any better, show him that you KNOW he was being unreasonable

Partypants83 · 11/03/2026 21:19

He is a wastrel. Move out, leave him, get him to move out.
He is a loser, don't waste any more time on him

MeridianB · 11/03/2026 21:19

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

This is chilling response but it rings true. His response has been immature, unpleasant and unnecessary. Sounds like he’s showing you who he is.

Cariadm · 11/03/2026 21:18

WhatNext2026 · 09/03/2026 21:46

You can hope he'll get better. He won't. You do not put up with any more instances of his behaviour. Don't get into any argument with him about it. Tell him you won't be spoken to like that (whatever your red line is) and then leave. No arguments or even discussion at this point. Just leave.
He will need to learn to behave like an adult if he wants any chance at all of an ongoing relationship with you. One more crossing of your red line and you're 100% done.

Yes to all of your advice except that she must not be the one to leave as she has the most equity in the house and the last think she needs is some BS excuses for him not leaving like 'squatters rights' or some other stupid reasons that he might think up with the help of a solicitor and even get dragged through the courts before she gets him out! 😱
She needs to make him leave which I realise won't be easy and she will possibly needs legal assistance with this but once that's achieved she can then move on however she wishes and good bloody riddance!!🙄😡

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 11/03/2026 21:17

You are now seeing him in his true colours for the A hole he really is.

Sorry you are so upset about this. But l would think myself lucky you found out his true nature so early on in this relationship.

Get rid asap and move on better things.

Good Luck

🤞🍀💐

Xxx

Cariadm · 11/03/2026 21:09

rainbowsparkle28 · 09/03/2026 21:40

Leave.

No she can't do that as she has the most equity in the house so she needs to stay put and somehow get him to leave which obviously will not be easy with someone as obnoxious, childish and entitled as her DP. 😡
She should however be in no doubt that the relationship is going nowhere and this is only the beginning of what could turn out to be years of abuse and if children come along, well I dread to think what her life will be like...😥😱

pinkyredrose · 11/03/2026 21:09

Flippingnora100 · 11/03/2026 21:04

I don’t think this is enough to leave. It’s all new and you’re still in the negotiation/setting up routines and expectations phase. I’d ask for a chat and say you didn’t like how he acted. Apologize for your “tone” and sit down together and both describe your expectations for house stuff and find a compromise. Assign roles or take turns eg you cook these nights, I’ll cook these nights etc.

I do think the way things are brought up can make a big difference to the outcome. If you are critical, he will get defensive.

Don’t blindly walk into a routine where you over-function and he under-functions. That will just breed resentment.

If he doesn’t want to pull his weight after all of the above, get rid of him!

Seriously? Why the fuck should she apologise to him!!

WhatMyNameis · 11/03/2026 21:06

This is a wind up, right?

You’re not seriously going to let this cunt of a man treat you like shit 2 weeks after moving in and for the rest of your life?

You’ve made a huge mistake, but it’s not too late to fix it. 🧳🏃‍♀️

Flippingnora100 · 11/03/2026 21:04

I don’t think this is enough to leave. It’s all new and you’re still in the negotiation/setting up routines and expectations phase. I’d ask for a chat and say you didn’t like how he acted. Apologize for your “tone” and sit down together and both describe your expectations for house stuff and find a compromise. Assign roles or take turns eg you cook these nights, I’ll cook these nights etc.

I do think the way things are brought up can make a big difference to the outcome. If you are critical, he will get defensive.

Don’t blindly walk into a routine where you over-function and he under-functions. That will just breed resentment.

If he doesn’t want to pull his weight after all of the above, get rid of him!

Cariadm · 11/03/2026 20:55

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 09/03/2026 21:37

Move out.

That's the last thing she should do as she put down 70% of the deposit so technically she owns more of the house than he does! 😡
He's the one who needs to leave then she has to sell up if she can't afford the mortgage alone or maybe take in a lodger but either way he has to go asap!! 🙄😱

pomers · 11/03/2026 20:52

Ask him to leave, either buy him out or sell

FortyDegreeDay · 11/03/2026 20:50

OP, you’ve had some really good advice here. I’m slightly surprised a decent solicitor didn’t give you advice about setting up a declaration of trusts to ring fence your deposit. Me and my partner did an uneven split of deposit (I contributed 85% to his 15%) - I don’t know why you’d now be proceeding to pay a greater percentage of the mortgage unless you will own a greater percentage of the property.

You know your partner - is this typical behaviour for him? I am ashamed to admit that I acted out of character and I behaved terribly towards my partner when we moved in together and I’m embarrassed by my behaviour. I struggle with change and I felt overwhelmed. I also knew my parents would separate once I moved out (and indeed my mum separated from my dad and ran off with her affair partner, four weeks after we got the keys) and it created an intense anxiety within me that I had to create a “perfect home” almost immediately as I felt that I had nothing else. I was very bossy to my partner about all kinds of nonsense including what bloody cutlery we had temporarily as if anyone would notice!!!! We laugh about it now but my partner was wonderful - could something else be at play?

pomers · 11/03/2026 20:49

Leave now whilst you’re not in too deep. It hasn’t taken him long to show you his temper. You will gradually stop asking him to help and end up walking in egg shells to keep the peace

Vodkafairy99 · 11/03/2026 20:48

Get out while you can x

changeme4this · 11/03/2026 20:48

And see a solicitor to protect your deposit and income NOW.

changeme4this · 11/03/2026 20:48

This isn’t the right relationship for you and nor the right way to be treated by a future life partner. Put the house on the market.

i don’t say this lightly either being usually an advocate for finding common grounds, however this is the start for you and when you should be in bliss mode together…

he isn’t nice when he doesn’t get his own way.

Nettie1964 · 11/03/2026 20:47

FaceEatingLeopard · 09/03/2026 21:38

Two weeks in and this? This will be your whole life if you don't stamp it out right now or leave. Is the house rented?

This, he has a noisy tantrum snd verbally abused/chastised you. You have just moved in together you should be in the honeymoon period. In 5 years time he will have broken your spirit. You aren't "little miss" anything if you fo stay grow a backbone and give yourself permission to use your voice before tantrums verbal abuse and weaponised incompetence set in.

Dancingintherain09 · 11/03/2026 20:42

Modernop · 10/03/2026 18:18

Have been working sorry. To answer a few questions:

  1. deposit is not ringed fenced
  2. I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
  3. I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
  4. he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do. I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
  5. he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
  6. there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling
  7. he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after

I’m really sad, and I feel stuck. The “little miss righteous” comment hits a nerve so much, because I’m not trying to be right, I’m trying to ask for support. He sure this often whenever I point anything out. Even if I say “please don’t shout” he’ll say it. It’s so hurtful. Along with “queen of everyone beneath her” and “lady modernop”.

im not far from friends and family but i have noone here. If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

Your other option is to buy him out or him you ( though from the sounds of it he can't afford that). Did you not protect your % of deposit ie who paid in what. Though you can go back and get evidence of this as you can see the payments made to mortgage lender via bank transfer and who it came from. If you need to split go seek advice from a lawyer with experience in this.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 11/03/2026 20:38

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Why are you with him? He's useless!!!

BeddysMum · 11/03/2026 20:38

Ugh! I had a bf once start acting like this once we moved in. I wasn't expecting it because when we lived separately he kept his living space clean and tidy, cooked his own meals, made his sandwiches for work and did his laundry correctly etc. But as soon as I was under the same roof he started treating me like the maid and disrespecting me.

This does not magically improve. He does know better, he is choosing not to do better. So early on in a relationship this is a huge red flag. He is showing you what his expectations of you are i.e. to be the bang maid and shut up.

Leave his sorry ass while you still can. His behaviour is abusive and the temper tantrums, shouting, slamming of doors and violence toward objects may escalate to violence toward you before too long.

pineapplecrushed · 11/03/2026 20:37

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your comment was like a mother talking to her kids. He isn't your child. Maybe he just wanted to do the lights?

Mcoco · 11/03/2026 20:37

I feel so sorry for you. Please consider leaving things will only get worse. You sound so sensible and hard working saving all your pennies! You deserve some better and someone who appreciates you. Someone who will help you when you ask him and wants to support you at all times.

Dancingintherain09 · 11/03/2026 20:34

This reeks of "training" behaviour. He wants you to be upset and doubt yourself so next time your response will be "it's easier to do it myself than cause an argument". It wasn't about tone or anything you said but about him wanting you to do it and to stop you asking in future.

Pelsall116 · 11/03/2026 20:32

I am sorry OP this is going to sound harsh but your boyfriend sounds like an entitled t**t who wants the easier life of working half time then throws the fact that you earn more (because you work more than twice the number of hours he does) back in your face and expects you to pick up the majority of the bills (well done for standing firm on the utilities) and still run around doing everything in terms of household tasks. If you have put in 70% to the deposit I would kick him out and buy out his 30% share. His behaviour now is a sign of far worse to come. Not what you want to hear I know, but sadly there it is.....