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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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5
Buffs · 11/03/2026 23:43

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:55

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

Plan an exit strategy

MaddestGranny · 11/03/2026 23:30

Get in touch with Women's Aid Charities and find some help local to you.
Find a good solicitor, experienced in dealing with domestic abuse, to give you advice and to act for you.

Your partner may not be abusing you now (plenty would say he is) but all the red flags are there for the likely direction of future travel.

You need legal help to help you separate from this man, whilst keeping as many of your assets intact / in your name as possible.

Don't waste your best years with this person. Dig your way out now.
Good luck, OP.

Honeybee32 · 11/03/2026 23:24

So sorry that this has been your experience in your first home. I can tell you things will only get worse. So what if you spoke to him with a tone. You're knackered and he's done sod all. He's also childish and lazy from the sounds of things who's looking for somebody to replace his mother. OP please cut ties with this person before having babies etc. I honestly would really think long and hard if this is something you want to put up with long term. Two weeks in and he's behaving like this, huge red flags there's a good chance his behaviours will escalate to coercive control or even violence. I would honestly walk away now. Don't give somebody like him you're best years!

Charlize43 · 11/03/2026 23:10

I would leave now before you become one of those women moaning all the time about how you have to do everything and how much you hate men.

Find a partner who knows how to do things and is willing to take shared responsibility for labour. Don't fall into old fashioned traditional roles where you are doing all the cooking, cleaning and laundry but take turns.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 11/03/2026 23:04

.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 11/03/2026 23:04

I've seen your update.

I get its hard and the fear holds you but honestly....End it.
Cut your losses now.

Yolo12345 · 11/03/2026 22:57

Darling, this will not be your life. Don’t accept this. You know deep down he doesn’t love you as he should.

Pokko · 11/03/2026 22:48

OP, read The Sunken Cost Fallacy.

Don't make that mistake.
You will bitterly regret it.

Teainapinkcup · 11/03/2026 22:48

Modernop · 10/03/2026 18:18

Have been working sorry. To answer a few questions:

  1. deposit is not ringed fenced
  2. I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
  3. I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
  4. he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do. I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
  5. he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
  6. there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling
  7. he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after

I’m really sad, and I feel stuck. The “little miss righteous” comment hits a nerve so much, because I’m not trying to be right, I’m trying to ask for support. He sure this often whenever I point anything out. Even if I say “please don’t shout” he’ll say it. It’s so hurtful. Along with “queen of everyone beneath her” and “lady modernop”.

im not far from friends and family but i have noone here. If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

please, leave him... you could be hurt by him in a blind rage... he sounds like a danger. You should be sad as you are not to blame but also make a move and get out of this mistake you made by buying with him. Red flags all over the place!

Teainapinkcup · 11/03/2026 22:43

mellicauli · 11/03/2026 22:31

Tell him if he doesn't want to do his fair share of the cleaning, he can organise and pay for a cleaner.
If he doesn't want to do his fair share of the cooking, he can organise and pay for dinner.
If he doesn't want to do his fair share of the laundry, he can just wear dirty clothes,
And if he can't afford to, he'll just have to suck it up until he can

And what about how he verbablly abused her?

Teainapinkcup · 11/03/2026 22:42

Forthesteps · 09/03/2026 21:35

Dump him.

this, make it happen at all costs...

Ihatetomatoes · 11/03/2026 22:40

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

This.

Flippingnora100 · 11/03/2026 22:37

pinkyredrose · 11/03/2026 21:09

Seriously? Why the fuck should she apologise to him!!

He said her tone was triggering him. Yes this could be a DV blame tactic, but it also could be true. He said he needs counseling. OP sounds like she needs to clarify boundaries with him, but it’s proven that a “soft start up” when bringing up an issue leads to more productive communication. Obv if this is going to escalate into DV, the usual communication rules won’t apply, but right now, there are a few red flags but nothing definitive (in my opinion.) He could just have poor emotional regulation skills-which need some work.

Examples of boundaries/expectations for OP to outline in a frank conversation could be:
Both need to work F/T or earn X (or if he works P/T he can do more housework).
Fair division of household tasks
No more name calling
He needs to go to counseling
An agreed way to bring up gripes
OP should def make sure the financial agreement re the house is clear in case they do split up.

Blueytwo · 11/03/2026 22:37

His mother enabled this behaviour. All his life. Its his normal. You can try ground rules but I feel you are wasting your breath. Try, and at the same time plan your exit strategy. Do not ,under any circumstances, get more financially committed. If the olace is rented you can walk. He can find a housemate. Im guessing a housemate may expect a. equal share of the chores!

mellicauli · 11/03/2026 22:31

Tell him if he doesn't want to do his fair share of the cleaning, he can organise and pay for a cleaner.
If he doesn't want to do his fair share of the cooking, he can organise and pay for dinner.
If he doesn't want to do his fair share of the laundry, he can just wear dirty clothes,
And if he can't afford to, he'll just have to suck it up until he can

SanctusInDistress · 11/03/2026 22:28

I’m sorry to say he sees you as a housekeeper and main breadwinner. Please dont hsbe children wuth him, youll end up separated.

LeDix · 11/03/2026 22:22

Make sure your contraception is failsafe

Sleepingwiththelightson · 11/03/2026 22:21

Why are you doing his washing? I’d not do any of his, he obviously doesn’t do any of yours. I’d seriously consider getting him to move out.

NotThisShitAgain121 · 11/03/2026 22:21

Ditch the knobhead now!

PlinkyPlonker · 11/03/2026 22:04

It’s hard to sell a house that you have owned for less than 6 months. So use these next 6 months to your advantage.

Save as much as you can - be prepared to buy him out if he does turn out to be a twat (which sadly I think he will be)
Don’t don’t do the house up - don’t increase its value that you then have to split with him. Put bills in your name if you are still setting them up.
Be you, be unapologetic and just watch and wait as he will show you who he really over time

MiloMinderbinder · 11/03/2026 22:03

It is just an old male response. Imagine him as a child, be patient but insist that he does his bit. Write lists of duties: he will explode in a rage and the inner three-year-old comes back to the surface ;-)

NeptuneOrion · 11/03/2026 22:02

Leave. Or make him leave. This is not normal and it won't get better.

Speak to your family or your friends for support.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

When you're in a loving relationship, it's not conflict free (disagreement & hard conversations) but it doesn't and it never should include feeling fear or dread or modifying your behaviour and words to placate the other.

Take care.

Recognising domestic abuse - Women’s Aid

Recognising domestic abuse: Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

veganfortheanimals21 · 11/03/2026 22:02

He's an adult, just as you are, and should know how to clean. It isn't for you to teach him he's also a disrespectful, abusive prick. Get rid immediately

SparklyLeader · 11/03/2026 21:46

"I put down 70% of the deposit."

Girl, he is not going to get better. You are already doing the financial heavy lifting along with the housework. You shouldn't even have to ask him because he should be an adult. He is clearly mentally not an adult and he might never become one. You do not deserve that type of abuse, and yeah, it is definitely abusive. Do not have children with this guy. Please say you didn't put him on the mortgage.

You are wasting your time with him when you could be available for a better man.

Do whatever you need to do to move him out, stat, meaning right now. I'm going to repeat myself, HE WILL NOT GET BETTER, especially if you have children. Find a roommate. Mourn the loss. Celebrate the escape.

P.S. Just in case you missed it above. he is not going to get better.

SpringsOnTheWay · 11/03/2026 21:38

Fucking hell. Are you me 20 years ago.
trust me. It won’t get better, he’s training you to keep your mouth shut and just get on with it and don’t moan.

run. Honestly. Run. It will feel like an over reaction, that’s what he wants you to feel.
see a solicitor, get out. Even if you make a small loss now it will be better than the bigger ones later

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