Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

Tbh I'm surprised you need to ask, he's plainly an abusive selfish arse, leave him immediately, why even consider putting up with his vile behaviour. He will only get worse.

If it is this aggressive in such early days,I be getting a glimpse of your future. Get rid.

Why didn't you ringfence your deposit?

My ex was exactly the same as your partner. He started with throwing things (his mobile at the wall), and it just grew and grew.He belittled me, then he started abusing me. He hated me being more educated, more popular, more confident and happy in who I was. He destroyed that over years of abuse. He used to call me spoilt, a snob, stupid. He blamed me for him hitting me (still does). Please don't let that happen to you.

Please leave now whilst you still can. Try and sort out a way of getting your deposit back (speak to a solicitor is you have to). He's using you for what he can get.

Absolutely right. You need to establish what you want/how you want to live because this will be it forever. There are men out there who do an equal share and don’t have to measure it so they only do 50%. They do what needs to be done until it’s done. My husband and I do everything together despite him coming from a family where his mother did everything and his father was served. He sees housework and raising kids as our work and I never would have dated him, let alone marry him if he didn’t. All this to say that you are worth more than this so stand up for yourself and if he doesn’t step up break up now. BTW my 2 adult sons also treat their girlfriends equally and behave like their father and my daughter’s boyfriend is another good one and again, comes from a slightly more unequal family.

By asking him for 'help' you've just reinforced the idea that you have excepted the position of being his skivvy. He's annoyed that you asked him to 'help' doing your work! Knock that on the head straight away. Make a complete list of all the chores and sit down and pick 50% each.

He clearly resents you, and it is only going to get worse. He is trying to "put you in your place" with these comments as he realises that you work so much harder and are doing so much better than him. Please seek legal advice and extricate yourself from this situation, else end up a broken, burnt out shell of youself. And please, never have children with him, else he will use them against you even if you do eventually leave him.

Dear OP, I don't think you've mentioned your age, but you sound young and certainly you are just at the beginning of everything life has to offer you. I will say to you what I would say to my own daughter. This is not what you deserve or should settle for. It's nasty, aggressive and controlling. It's emotionally abusive and will one day be physically abusive. Listen to the words he uses. He does not respect or even like you. And I know there will be times when he is fun or seems loving - and maybe he's great in bed - but this is all just a smokescreen. In reality he wants to control you, your money and your home. You've only just moved in, so you have evidence of what money is yours and his - this becomes much more difficult to untangle in a longer relationship - so act now. Seek proper legal advice. It's possible you might be able to keep your home - without him in it. But if not, you save a bit longer or buy a bit smaller and you get your own, happy, peaceful home, without a monster in it. Get started today, please.

This made me feel quite sad. The behaviour you have described is that of a teenage boy not an adult man. You are giving much more than he in every sense. That’s not ok. And it’s not that he appreciates this on any level, instead he uses it as a stick to beat you with. Name calling like this is really not acceptable as he is deliberately creating a dynamic where anything you raise is to be dismissed. It’s the only way he can maintain the status quo of him being pretty limited in how he contributes and somehow feel like he’s top dog. I don’t think this is the basis of a healthy relationship. Your home is supposed to your safe place and your partner the one who builds you up, not tears you down. I think you deserve much better. I do think you should sell. Speak to those you care about to get that real life support. And don’t worry about how it will look, those who care about you will want the best for you. If you’re feeling wobbly, maybe have some therapy to help feel stronger. But I’d really cut your losses now, brighter things lay ahead.

Stand up to him instead of tearing up .. make a stand and say " don't ever treat me like this again" because you think I asked wrong.
You shouldn't have to ask .
He is making all those jobs yours to do.
Make a stand or this will be your life .. stand up to him .

Better still stop having sex with him and get rid.

This twat doesn't deserve another six seconds. You can sell your house. Ridiculous to say otherwise. You must say a job move came up unexpectedly if anyone asks.

Can you pay him back the portion he put in? Also is it big enough for you to rent out a room? So as to minimize extra costs of having to sell and buy another place.

Totally agree. It will all get worse OP get out while you can! I mean pre kids tbh.

OP trust your gut on this and get him out. He sounds like he's selfish at best and abusive at worst. Mental and emotional abuse and also sounding from what you've written to be financially abusive too. It's only a small step or arguement into this turning physical as well. Believe me .I've been there and I wish more than anything that I had trusted my gut feeling initially when it would have been easier to break up.
He thinks very little of you and the derogatory comments and name calling will only escalate

@Modernop you really need to speak to a solicitor about the deposit. I think if you can prove you were badly advised on the deposit/prove it came from your account only, then you can say its yours, but please check. Even if you aren't separating, just get your ducks in order.

Also, you said he was in the army. From my experience, this sort of angry behaviour is typical.

OP, my DD is in a relationship whereby her BF belittles her for being ‘better’ than him. She is much younger than you it sounds but he is terribly abusive, jealous of her and tries to ruin her. It’s been hell for us all but he’s messed with her head so much she feels so attached to him. Please leave. He’ll only get worse.

Im sad to say you have moved in with a divkhead.

I’m a single Mum and your day sounds similar to mine, except my toddlers are more helpful and not verbally abusive like this gross excuse for an adult you’re living with. Read that again, your daily routine is like mine as a Mum to literal toddlers because they can’t food shop, do their own laundry, cook their own dinner etc. Difference being when I ask my 2 and 5yr old to clean up they do it and don’t also verbally abuse me.

This is no relationship and no way to live OP. I’m sure it feels impossible right now to end things when you’ve just got your first home but this is meant to be the BEST of the best time in your relationship with someone. And instead he’s already showing his awful nasty abusive side. Please listen to the comments advising you to cut and run. Don’t waste any more time on this horrible person. Can you imagine having a baby and going home with someone that will verbally abuse you if you ask them to do anything? Or needing surgery and relying on this dickhead? What about the fact that life is short and you should be with someone (or single it’s less aggro trust me) that adds to your life, not someone who makes you so unhappy you’re locked away in the bathroom.

big hugs, this isn’t how it should be. But don’t ever feel it’s too late to exit a horrible relationship.

So he sees you as the solution to his $$ problems. You work hard and earn and save and make wise decisions with $$. All he has to do is sit back, work part time and manipulate you, and he is set for life.

Someone said "He is already under your skin making you feel like you are in the wrong. He is manipulative and he knows how to make you feel bad. And he has done so." That is true. You can't stomach lunch already for worrying about him. He has not put in as much as you have and this is him at his best - as he gets older he'll get worse, as the honeymoon period wears off he'll get worse.

Get some legal advice on the quiet and if you don't want to separate now, at least start taking notes and documenting the abuse (it will happen). People will be sympathetic once they know the truth.

I suggest reading Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.
It's an eye-opener.
Best of luck x

This is not someone you want to get in a relationship with. Respect goes two ways. When he "went to see his mum" he probably sat in his arse and she made him food!

Looking busy and being busy are very different things.
Needing acknowledged for doing his share is ridiculous.

You need a household duty rota that means equitable share of the load based around your work commitments.
Shared bank account g where you each put a portion of your wages in to pay bills.

If you go on to have a child, you're likely going to be parenting your boyfriend too!

Remember You’re not his mother so stop mothering him, he needs telling to grow the fuck up.

@ModernopI'm frightened for you.

This is good advice.

Please listen to the posters all echoing the same advice, many have experienced similar or have known someone in your position. I wish someone had given me the advice the posters are giving you now, it would have saved 26yrs of awful trauma. My situation was similar to yours. I earned more and paid the majority of bills, he was often unemployed while I worked 10 hrs a day like yourself. While taking on all childcare and household responsibilities, my ex husband used to say I thought I was better than him, I didn’t. He slowly systematically broke me down over the years to a point I didn’t even recognise myself. Your definitely not overreacting, please, please seek legal advice in regards to the mortgage and move closer to family and friends for support, in time you will be so grateful for taking all the advice given as it will prevent so much heartache ❤️