Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

It would be far more embarrassing if you ignored all your feelings now, got married, got pregnant and had this awful man leeching off you for the next 18 years.

You know you deserve better than him. Move on with your head held sky high x

You sound lovely, sensible and intelligent don’t be dragged into an unhappy life with this poor excuse of a man.

Please don't be embarrassed. Wanting to see the good in people shouldn't be seen as your fault. Please don't stay just because you are feeling embarrassed.

He has shown you who he is now though. He likely thinks you just stay because of the house commitment as it'll be stressful to get out of it.

But you can do this. Look into whether you could take on the whole mortgage yourself. If you can't, look into legal advice on getting as much of your deposit back and put the the house for sale.

Dont be embarrased. Take control of the situation. Work out if / how you could buy him out. Get some legal advice on the deposit. You can do it. A better life awaits.

@Modernop you need to end it. He can go home to his parents, you might need to sell at a small loss but at least you can take back your share of what you’re left with. It is not you - it is all on him. I’m so sorry xx

DO NOT be embarrassed. I went ahead with a full on church wedding and country house reception knowing things weren’t okay but hoping things would change when we got married. Jealousy being the main reason. They didn’t change. They got worse. All my friends could see it and tried to tell me. I ignored them as I wanted my ‘happy ever after’. I didn’t get that fairytale ending. Instead I got a horrible nightmare I felt so trapped in that I couldn’t see a way out. I couldn’t go back home to live, I couldn’t afford anywhere on my own. I loved my little house and the way I’d decorated it. I denied and denied the reality until it got so bad I couldn’t deny it any more. The wake up call was ‘do I really want this angry violent man being the father of my kids?’ No. A friend of a friend offered me her spare room. I packed two suitcases and one box and left everything else behind. That was 20 years ago. Divorce was expedited when he got someone else pregnant a few months after I left and wanted to marry her before the baby was born - ha. Looking back now it was the luckiest escape I ever had but it was horrible at the time. I feared judgement from family but got none - turned out a lot of people could see what he was like but didn’t want to tell me. Now remarried myself, bought a new house as soon as I got equity from the one I had with the ex. He bought me out so new partner could move in. Again - ha. He tried to guilt trip me for a while, said he was suicidal etc but it didn’t last long once he got no response. I literally never saw him again once the legal were tied up. Was like he disappeared off the face of the earth…you can do this. Cut your losses.

It is not going to work. This should be easy & fun the first few weeks. He has shown his ways & you would be better off on your own. Buy him out ASAP. Can you afford the mortgage on your own ? Finding out early is good, you probably think it is already too late .... it is not...get rid & move on .....I had some new neighbours and the same thing happened the house was up for sale before they unpacked.

You have no reason to be embarrassed OP, you've had a wake up call, you can move on from this. Take a look at your situation honestly, speak to your mortgage broker, is there scope in your budget for you to buy him out (assuming you want to stay in the home)? Would you prefer to sell and cut all ties? There will be a way out of this for you and life will get better. Can your family help you either practically and/or financially?
You don't have to live like this, you really don't.

Oh heck @Modernop he really is a piss taker and you need to end it. Do you feel frightened of him in any way? If not, tell him you're done and mean it.

Go quietly, and safely. If he is abusive, this is the time he is most likely to get violent. Make a plan- get family/ friends to physically be there with you to move out.
All the best x

youvsays you lived with his mum. I presume he learned this behaviour from his dad? The sooner you extract yourself from this the easier it will be. Stop chasing for crumbs of his love whilst you provide for the home.

Agree with PP, this isn’t a relationship. It’s a good set up for him. You’re in a much better position than him, working full time, savings in the bank. He knows that so he makes you feel pathetic to keep you down. You can thrive by yourself, he’ll have to go home to mum.

You really need to end the relationship. He's a complete man child. And nasty with it. He won't change, he will get worse. You can do much better for yourself than a miserable excuse for a human being. Tell him it's over. Whatever you need to do, get him out, sell the house if necessary. But just end it. Get angry with the situation. Just do it now.

You've had your moment now. You're embarrassed. That's fine. Don't feel it anymore. Tell him to leave. Look at how you can buy him out. This is not a relationship never mind a good one.

He needs to go not you.

Well done you’ve realised now. It’s on him not you.

A much better life awaits you

I wonder if your parents could afford or are willing to buy out his share?

That way it's not a gift or much if a sacrifice but might help you. Sorry op, you deserve much better.

I echo this. I remember the first man I dated after my ex, when he hugged me I felt safe. Something I hadn't done for years.

He never put me down, he always encouraged me,he supported me. When my cat died he checked in multiple times a day even when he was working.

He made me realise good men are out there and you don't have to accept the shit some men think we deserve.

Sorry that comment was meant for @Mygrandkidsaregreat

Your sister needs to go to womens aid for support and advice.

@Modernop

I've just come back to see if you'd posted an update. (Before anyone jumps on me, no, I'm not "expecting one" etc, etc, just sad for the OP who could be my daughter).

It can't be easy reading these replies which all say the same thing. However by posting here I think you already knew in your gut how very wrong this all is.

I hope you find the strength to protect yourself and your interests, and to get away from this man.

It's easy for us oldies to say, but you will find someone better for you, if that's what you're worried about. Someone who will be your biggest supporter, your safe place, whose arms make you feel loved and cherished, who sees you as an equal and puts as much effort into the relationship as you, consistently, day after day. Not resent you, belittle you and treat you like a skivvy who pays most of the bills to boot!.

In the meantime, you will love and take care of yourself, and build the amazing life you hoped for, safe and happy in your own home.

Many of us have walked away from often decades long marriages, because we knew deep down it wasn't right for us. It is so bloody hard: the upheaval and fallout for all concerned (even worse with kids) the bruised ego or feeling like a failure, the "baddie." But it is absolutely worth it. And as several posters have said, you get one precious life.

It’s the start of coercive control.stomping round, not speaking.In his mind he’ll think next time you want him to change what he’s doing, you’ll think again as you won’t want dinner in silence,and no speaking for two days so you’ll stop asking.Hell then do as he wants,You’ll end up never asking and being resentful.
My sil ended up with a man like this.She didn’t give in easily and he ended up not speaking to her for weeks until she apologised!
she’s had a miserable marriage.if his dinner isn’t on the table at the right time,she gets the silent treatment.For days.
she darent leave him.He now tracks her when she’s out. He’s obsessive about things too.

Just stop doing your end and see what happens- if he doesn't shape up staying with him will mean you do all the work all the time.
You need to divide up tasks he can shop, put a wash on do the veg- you need to divide it up equally- he clearly thinks cleaning is not his responsibility, either lose him or find enough jobs he find acceptable.