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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
bellhawk · 12/03/2026 17:56

I agree with others, get some legal advice and start thinking about how you can financially and emotionally get out of this relationship.

FunFinch · 12/03/2026 17:43

You've nothing to be embarrassed about, youve tried and hes a giant knobhead who's thrown it back in your face.
I see you havent ring fenced your deposit, so id go to a solicitor a speak with them about options, you'll either be looking to buy him out, or see if they can help with an agreement to get your money back if you sell. Its really shit but at least youve found out now before marriage and children.
I hope you have family or friends you can lean on and talk to as he sounds really awful. Don't loose yourself in this, remember youre the smart successful one who made this all financially viable, not him. You will rebuild. Losers like that dont xx

Buffs · 12/03/2026 17:38

EightSteps · 12/03/2026 12:02

@Modernop

I've just come back to see if you'd posted an update. (Before anyone jumps on me, no, I'm not "expecting one" etc, etc, just sad for the OP who could be my daughter).

It can't be easy reading these replies which all say the same thing. However by posting here I think you already knew in your gut how very wrong this all is.

I hope you find the strength to protect yourself and your interests, and to get away from this man.

It's easy for us oldies to say, but you will find someone better for you, if that's what you're worried about. Someone who will be your biggest supporter, your safe place, whose arms make you feel loved and cherished, who sees you as an equal and puts as much effort into the relationship as you, consistently, day after day. Not resent you, belittle you and treat you like a skivvy who pays most of the bills to boot!.

In the meantime, you will love and take care of yourself, and build the amazing life you hoped for, safe and happy in your own home.

Many of us have walked away from often decades long marriages, because we knew deep down it wasn't right for us. It is so bloody hard: the upheaval and fallout for all concerned (even worse with kids) the bruised ego or feeling like a failure, the "baddie." But it is absolutely worth it. And as several posters have said, you get one precious life.

This is the best advice.
steel yourself OP,stop crying, start planning.
you will have your lovely home.

NowStartAgain · 12/03/2026 17:22

Another vote to find the strength to end this. First, and asap, talk to a trusted family member or friend. Once you have told someone you need to end this it will be easier to plan next steps.

ForestFrank · 12/03/2026 17:07

I'm so sorry for your situation OP, but so pleased you've taken the brave step to open up on this site where you have received some amazing support and advice.
I would suggest a couple of things;
Firstly, to listen to the advice you're given. You may find you need more specific legal advice, in which case use Google for women's support groups where you can be confident of the advice you're being given (as good as the advice on this site is, armchair lawyers are no substitute for the real thing).
Secondly, I would suggest you keep a diary logging the dates, times and brief details for all incidents of his bad behaviour. This may help you in future legal disputes or may help you see a pattern which in turn helps you make a decision for whether to stay or go.

Please remember you are not alone and remember you deserve to be happy, deserve to be valued and deserve to be treated as an equal.
Good luck.

PinkLegoBalloon · 12/03/2026 17:03

OP I'm glad you have realised this isn't a good relationship.

Get some legal advice pronto on the house. Maybe you could buy him out and get lodger to help with the mortgage?

Be very careful. He's angry and I do worry for your safety when he realises you're done.

Please be brave and reach out to people who know you in real life too. This isn't for you to feel ashamed about. The shame is all his.

boringperson123 · 12/03/2026 16:46

You need to tell people who love you - friends & family what has been going on. Everything you’ve wrote here. At that point you will be fully acknowledging this situation for what it is, and there’s no turning back.

Fernticket · 12/03/2026 16:44

OP. You are smarter and more hardworking than him. He knows this which is why he puts you down. As other posters have said,please take legal advice and get your ducks in a row, but don't tell him anything until you are ready to go.

Sicario · 12/03/2026 16:41

Don't beat yourself up. At least you didn't marry him. (Yep, I really did that.)

Take a deep breath. Put this all down to experience. Tell him you've made a mistake and you don't want to live with him any more. The options are you sell up, or you buy him out.

It will be easy to show how much deposit you put down (of your own money) and you'd be wise to take advice either from a lawyer or from a trusted, knowledgeable adult.

Chin up, best foot forward, and know that there's a much better life out there waiting for you.

SadSaq · 12/03/2026 16:37

I agree with @Abcdefg1234567abcdefg . We've all made mistakes. Non of us are perfect. Plus you didn't realise how bad it was going to be @Modernop .

Abcdefg1234567abcdefg · 12/03/2026 16:21

Please don't feel embarrassed. The reason you have so many responses on here is because so many of us have been where you are! We want to save you from being in the position we have been in. I went on to marry and have children with my ex abuser. It was so bad that it's taking 4 years to get divorced and I now have chronic health conditions due to the stress. Don't end up like me. Get out of this relationship as soon as you can before he wears you down to nothing.
We are all looking out for you and don't want you to repeat our mistakes 🩷
I'm so pleased that you know you need to leave him. You sound like such a lovely person and one day you will look back on this and be so proud of how brave you were to leave this aggressive man.
Be careful of trauma bonding (Google it!). He will likely be really nice to you once he realises you're ending the relationship, but his real-self will come back.
I'm really rooting for you and I know your life will be better without him. Take care xxx

EmilyintheUK · 12/03/2026 16:09

Cut your losses. A year from now you will be in a much better place.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/03/2026 16:08

So sorry OP. I've just seen your latest update.

He's really starting as he means to go on isn't he.
Don't be embarrassed.
He lied to you and now he's Absolutely shameless about it. Almost boastful about the way he's laying down the law and telling you how its going to be, however you feel about it.
What a horrible horrible pig.

Please don't tell him any of your plans. He's so shameless, and he's already getting nasty.
Get some real life legal and practical support asap without letting him know - to help you navigate a safe exit from this relationship. (ie I say this not to alarm you but do as much as you can to protect yourself - just to be on the safe side, as he won't like you not agreeing to go along with his plans for how things should work. Play it safe, no need to confront him until you've worked out what you are doing and when you do, have a plan to do it safely)

Bestfootforward11 · 12/03/2026 16:05

So sorry, I want to give you a big hug. He is plain nasty. I can imagine you are feeling sad at what could have been, but it never could be what you hoped because he’s simply not capable. You sound a lovely and smart woman who wanted to see the best in someone. He’s shown you who he is quite clearly and in a way it is a blessing as you can now move on with confidence. You need to be practical (re the house, consult lawyer etc) but also need emotional support from those close to you. He is likely to react negatively to things not going the way he wants. This might by being angry (please take steps to be safe) or pleading with you about how he can’t live without you or some such nonsense. Both responses are designed to maintain the status quo. You need to be ready for both possible reactions. I really wish you well. Leaving him is really the best possible thing. It’ll be tough but life will feel so much lighter soon without this deadweight.

FranticFrankie · 12/03/2026 16:01

Great post @DuckbilledSplatterPuff 👌

Pessismistic · 12/03/2026 16:01

Oh op he is worse that you first mentioned I would be looking for somewhere else tell him you don’t want to be in a relationship with a guy who needs asking to spend tine together he obviously just wanted a new home but not the responsibility of a full commitment he’s a cock lodger you have nothing to be embarrassed about he’s the problem here not you. Don’t waste anymore money on the house unless you plan to stay and buy him out be he is definitely not a keeper he’s abusive and offers you nothing but humiliation.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/03/2026 15:57

SparklyGlitterballs · 10/03/2026 19:52

I echo everyone else OP. You won't be overreacting. He calls you derogatory names all the time. It hasn't been a one off. He's admitted an anger issue. He is, as has been said, a lazy cock lodger. If he's finishing at 1pm he should be doing a bigger share of the house chores. I bet he doesn't. Did he pull his weight with household stuff when you were living with his mum? If he's ex army he can't say he doesn't know how. I'd get out now, while you can get back as much of your deposit back as possible. Do t leave this for 10 years, when you've paid much more of the mortgage than him and he walks away with half (I'm also betting you're joint tenants rather than tenants in common with you having a bigger share?)

For goodness sake don't marry him, and don't get pregnant and tie yourself to him.

I agree. You are not over reacting.

His thinking shines out.. and its not good.

"Its "fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more"
Translation - Its fair for him. You earn more because he works half a day.

Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
Translation - "you need to pay more because you are luckier than me and that is not fair. I want some of your luck, you should share it."
He sees your savings as a lucky lottery win. He doesn't see you built your savings through your hard work and self sacrifice - two things that he is not willing to do himself.

"he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance"
Translation - Flexibility? to do what exactly?
Of course he does prefer that now that he has a bill paying housekeeper supporting him. The incentive to do freelance will quickly fade because he will "contribute" by occasional DIY (probably in the Games Room) and so has no time for freelance.

He suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
Translation - "She's agreed to put down more money on the house so I'll use the same argument for bills as well."
WARNING - I think he's backed down for now as its so close to completing on the house, but give him time and it will be... "It's not fair... freelance is down.. " and he will continue to get you to subsidise him. If you suggest going on holiday, he will suggest its only fair for you to pay for most or all of it, afterall, you are the lucky one aren't you? and so it will go.

I recall in your first post, whilst you were being frugal to save for the house, he was out splashing his wages on nights out and other things he wanted.
I noted his main concern on moving in was fixing the lighting in his gaming room. ie - spending time on the things HE prioritises instead of the rest of the house, which is now your job.

The above, strongly suggests that he now sees you as the "lucky" breadwinner who is there to subsidize him and service him, whilst he spends his time and cash on things he wants.

Are you ready for that?

Coupled with his tantrums, sulks, name calling and deriding you, putting you in your place, He's not even going to be even averagely nice to you whilst he does that, unless he gets his own way. The name calling is how bullying starts FYI... and it WILL NOT get better.

Please don't tell yourself off for moving in. He's been clever about this.
But you sound like an intelligent capable person and you are not over reaching by acting to extricate yourself from a life of being treated progressively badly.

If you do see a solicitor which everyone has advised, just so that you know your options and can make an informed decision.. DO NOT say.. "I've going to see a solicitor" or tell him any of your plans untill you have decided what YOUR best option is, make sure it is your decision and not a compromised based on his idea of "fairness" It would be easy for him to make promises that don't stand up to time. If I were you, I'd try to buy him out and get a lodger initially.

RobinEllacotStrike · 12/03/2026 15:38

he really is a prize prick.

This must be feeling very tough right now OP, but you need to figure your way out of this. Staying with this loser will be much much harder than leaving the realtionship. Choose your hard - and act to change your life/future.

Keep posting here for support and advice - there are lots of very knowledgable women here for you.

Conniebygaslight · 12/03/2026 15:32

Nothing to be embarrassed about OP. Just leave and don't stay when he fills your head with BS and starts to be nice to you to keep his nice little arrangement going....Because he WILL do this

IdentityCris · 12/03/2026 15:27

Time to make him an ex boyfriend and cut your losses.

SideshowAuntSallyxx · 12/03/2026 15:16

Oh OP there's no one more lonely than someone in your situation.

I really hope you don't feel embarrassed, it isn't your fault and you aren't to blame.

summitfever · 12/03/2026 15:03

Well done op for recognising this and being brave enough to act at this point. You’re saving yourself years of misery

canuckup · 12/03/2026 14:58

Nearly 700 comments saying the same thing op.

Take some action.

berightorbehappy · 12/03/2026 14:54

He’s a bully and wants a single life with benefits …you won’t ever regret leaving him behind .

Beachtastic · 12/03/2026 14:49

Don't be embarrassed, OP, be really proud of yourself that you have spotted this in time to nip it in the bud. Many of us here failed to do that at similar points in our lives and ended up becoming wise to our situation eventually, at much greater cost.

You're showing enormous clarity and courage. You can do this.

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