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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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5
Caiti19 · 09/03/2026 22:19

It cannot be overstated how important it is to your whole life trajectory to end your relationship with this man before you become pregnant.

This is 2 weeks in, this is the honeymoon phase. This is a huge red flag. Get out.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/03/2026 22:19

In a normal healthy relationship,

  1. You wouldn't have to ask him to do his share, he'd just do it because that's the fair thing to do (and he might even do a bit more than you because he knows he had much more free time than you today
  1. If you sounded a bit snappy, he would say 'there's no need to snap / why are you speaking to me like that / what's up' rather than decide to use it as an excuse to act like a complete bellend
  1. He would reflect on what he'd done to make you annoyed, not blame you for getting annoyed
  1. There would be no aggressive behaviour (throwing things and slamming doors) or passive aggressive behaviour. Both of these are really serious signs of abusive behaviour that are likely to escalate

I know you've only just bought but please don't get sucked into the 'sunken costs' mindset where you invest more and more into a bad relationship purely because of what you've already invested. Unless like others said he'd had some serious bad news that day (relative with a serious health diagnosis, redundancy etc) there is no excuse for acting like this. Your self respect and mental health are the most important thing and they'll take a battering if you stay with someone who makes you cry for asking to do their share of being a responsible adult

Dinosweetpea · 09/03/2026 22:18

Jeez, this is not good at all. Please say you ring fenced your deposit as I don't think this relationship is going to last.
Please see him for who he is and what he is trying to do.

Merryoldgoat · 09/03/2026 22:18

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

Why on earth did you move in with him? Why put up with this treatment?

I’m not blaming you. I’m genuinely asking why you think you’re worth so little.

RawBloomers · 09/03/2026 22:18

If this was a one off and he's never done anything like this before, then take a deep breath, find yourself a good book or a something diverting to watch and give him some space.

But your questions about whether you did something wrong and your certainty that will be the next few days ruined makes me pretty certain this isn't a one off. This is what this man is like and this is wha tthe rest of your life with him will be like if you stay.

Get out now.

Go to a solicitor and find out what your options are for the house. Decide if you want to stay in the area once you've broken up with him, and come up with a plan for leaving. Build up support in real life if you can, family and friends probably already know he's a bit of a jerk. Be careful about confiding in anyone who you met through him or is related/went to school/etc. and might pass on any musing or plans. You may need to play your cards close to your chest as you prepare to move on.

Maybe you can buy him out or rent his 30% off him while you get yourself sorted financially, if you want to stay in this area. You will lose money selling up but it will be far less costly in the long run to get yourself out of a dire relationship that can only make you miserable and could well trap you and narrow your one and only life into a shell of its potential. With that in mind - if you are still sleeping with him, stop and make certain your contraception is rock solid.

DreamTheMoors · 09/03/2026 22:17

I’m in California and I can spot a guilty conscience/ from here, @Modernop

Your man KNEW he should’ve
prioritized the work to be done yet he was gaming.

He was stomping around because He. Got. Caught.
He knew better. Of course he knew better.

Little tantruming shit, anyhow.

DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS lest you set yourself up for a lifetime of it.

Merryoldgoat · 09/03/2026 22:16

He’s training you. He knows you’re feeling vulnerable as it’s early on, you don’t want to rock the boat and ruin the ‘honeymoon period’ so you’re primed to put up with this shit.

Don’t. You need to end it. Please god you’re tenants in common with your ringfenced deposit…

salcombebabe · 09/03/2026 22:16

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

He doesn't sound very mature OP, how old is he?

InterestedDad37 · 09/03/2026 22:16

No signs of him being a complete twunt prior to moving in together? How long have you been together? Don't 'see how it goes' though, put it down to experience and get rid.

OneMoreCoffee3 · 09/03/2026 22:16

Potentially an expensive choice but I’d LTB. I’d consider it money well spent rather than spending my precious time, or worst case scenario, having children in this relationship

I hope you can find a way to buy him out and maybe find a lovely lodger. I’d be prepared to lose all my money, I can make more money, I can’t make more time

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 09/03/2026 22:16

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

So he's always belittled and bullied you, and you still bought a house with him? WTF?

Tinytimmy123 · 09/03/2026 22:15

This is funny...but it is so true.

As someone who has been where you are. I ended up doing everything because it was easier than a daily battle. Don't waste your time and life on someone who doesnt value you.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/UFTvnir42Wg?si=CTVXnWZq9A1wV3ix

salcombebabe · 09/03/2026 22:15

You shouldn't have to tell him what to do he should open his eyes and just get on with it! He's not there to 'help' you it should be 50/50!!

Jeez, I hope your 70% deposit is ring fenced!

sittingonabeach · 09/03/2026 22:15

How are your finances split?

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

OP posts:
trumpisvomitous · 09/03/2026 22:14

nocoolnamesleft · 09/03/2026 22:12

He thinks he's got you trapped now, so he can show his true colours. This is the real him.

I was about to post exactly this OP.
I would probably humour him while I made a plan to extricate myself.

whomoon · 09/03/2026 22:14

unlikelymango · 09/03/2026 22:04

It does matter how you said it. A disrespectful tone can sour anyone's attitude. So it's not necessarily that he's against helping you. He just doesn't like the way you spoke to him.

Oh come on. OP doing all the chores to run their household and bf is ‘helping’ her? It’s his house too, he can see what needs to be done. He just didn’t like being called out on it which is entirely his own problem, not OP’s.

OP, unfortunately this sounds like it’s only going to get worse unless you’re able to sit down and discuss it without your bf getting defensive and him saying you’re ‘nagging’ him.
I would be double checking my 70% is protected and if not, take steps to plan to buy him out in the future. From my own past experience, it’s only going to go one way I’m sorrry to say.

PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 09/03/2026 22:14

Hmmmm, he thinks he's got you trapped now OP. Have a big think about whether you want this for the rest of your life. (You really dont).
Id 100% call it a day & get the estate agents back out.

Andepeda · 09/03/2026 22:13

Sometimes you really want the poster to be a troll.

But fear they are probably genuine........

ERthree · 09/03/2026 22:13

I know you have spent money moving in with him but you need to move right back out because he has just shown you exactly who he is. If i was your mum and i knew how he was acting i would be straight round to drag you back home.
Please please do not stay or before you know you will have wasted your life on someone who wants a skivvy not a life partner. He has no respect for you. You deserve so much better and please do not think you can change him because believe me you can't and won't. Do not listen to his pathetic "sorry i will change"
crap because if you cave in and accept his lies you will have made him feel he can treat you like shit.
Your are worth more.

nocoolnamesleft · 09/03/2026 22:12

He thinks he's got you trapped now, so he can show his true colours. This is the real him.

Donttellempike · 09/03/2026 22:12

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:55

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

I hope the deeds show that split OP.

Pessismistic · 09/03/2026 22:11

Hi op he’s got his feet under the table as people say. Just have a conversation with him the cleaning isn’t just your responsibility and he needs to stop acting like a teenager 2 weeks to show his true colours also you might regret that you did all this for him.

WheresthesaladTheresthesalad · 09/03/2026 22:11

Petrolitis · 09/03/2026 21:46

Ltb OP, as quickly as you can.

Hes waited until you've moved in making it harder for you to disentangle then IMMEDIATELY started emotionally abusing you.

This.

Happened to me too, almost instantly upon moving in after 5 years together.

I ran for the hills 4 months in, thank fk.
If he's like this to you in what should be the honeymoon phase, it will only get worse.

Definitely definitely LTB, OP.

💐

Soontobesingles · 09/03/2026 22:11

He sees housework as 'women's work', and he will not change his mindset. You are in for a long, miserable life if you don't leave him. Yes you will lose some money, but that's better than looking back in 20 years and realising you lost the opportunity to have a happy life.

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