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AIBU?

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Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 09/03/2026 22:26

Abuse often starts when men think you’re trapped. He thinks the house has trapped you… I doubt this will get better. I’m sorry. Don’t put up with it.

His little miss righteous comment shows he has contempt for you and thinks you’re belittling him. That comes out of men in a very nasty way.

Daytimetellyqueen · 09/03/2026 22:26

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

This! Get out now whilst it’s still relatively easy to do so (assuming no kids).

TheHillIsMine · 09/03/2026 22:26

Stop with the wanting help crap. It's only help if it is your job to do it all. Is it? Does he think it is?

Donttellempike · 09/03/2026 22:25

Th little Miss Righteous comment speaks volumes OP.

He has contempt for you. And there is no coming back from that. Trust me. I’ve lived it.

Get out of this. For the sake of future you , he’s horrible.

trumpisvomitous · 09/03/2026 22:25

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victim blamer #2 has arrived!

NovaF · 09/03/2026 22:24

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

He has learned what to say to shut you up. To put you in your place. He knows it upsets you, yet he still says it. A normal
man would apologise and never say it again. You cleaned, cooked, washed up, he saw all this and contributes nothing unless you ask.

he will not change, this will not
improve, just get worse. He is not the prize here, you are, you are self sufficient, put down most of the deposit. What does he actually add to your life?

Luckystarss · 09/03/2026 22:24

You do not have to accept his behaviour, OP.
It’s shocking. scary and sad at the same time.
refuse to be disrespected at your own home.

maybe chat with women’s aid if you want to educate yourself about his behaviour - I’m sure they will point you to resources (this is how it all starts)…

Thank your stars you know who he is now - and have a choice to end relationship

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/03/2026 22:24

Please god let that deposit be ring fenced. I rather suspect it isn’t though, or we’d have been told by now. I hope to be wrong.

PinkyFlamingo · 09/03/2026 22:24

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

Not being funny but why did you actually buy a house with someone who treats you like that?

whomoon · 09/03/2026 22:22

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

He thinks you’re better than him, and too good for him, so belittles you and puts you down to make himself feel bigger. It sounds like you’re switched on with saving and were able to put the bigger deposit in so will see the house as mainly yours and that will make him feel inferior. You intimidate him as he knows he’s just not on your level.
His ego can’t stand that so he chips away at you whenever he can.
speaking from experience..

cestlavielife · 09/03/2026 22:22

Move right out

You started off behaving like a slave and it will not change
You want to make house he does not. He wants to game. Quit

watchingthishtread · 09/03/2026 22:22

It's an age old expression - if you want to know me come live with me.

This is who he is. This is how it's going to be. If you stay you'll eventually find yourself silently doing everything and, from the sounds of things, paying for everything.

YiddlySquat · 09/03/2026 22:22

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

THIS

Trusttheawesomeness · 09/03/2026 22:22

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Maia77 · 09/03/2026 22:21

The problem is he wants to be treated like an adult but doesn't behave like an adult. You have a tough road ahead.

NewZebra · 09/03/2026 22:21

Not a good start op. He’s shown you his true colours right there. I’d get out now.

Trusttheawesomeness · 09/03/2026 22:20

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

Sorry, but what made you think that this was the man for long term commitment then? A full combined life… with this guy? Like, why?

The right man just doesn’t speak to you like that. I’m in a long term solid relationship, and I’m the one with the baggage (2 kids, earn less than him etc) but he treats me, and still does after years together, with so much respect. We don’t use raised voices, we’ve never name called, there has never been a sense of hatred or snideness or disrespect. We’ve had disagreements, and we do things different ways so have to say when we don’t agree, but it’s so easy between us. I’ve never ever felt scared to tell him how I feel or what a problem something is because I know he will listen and we’ll sort it. He does the same with me.

It doesn’t sound like your relationship has ever been like that, so why did you pick him?

thegreatreckoning · 09/03/2026 22:20

FFS, how many red flags did you ignore before moving your life to his territory and handing over all your money? Please tell me you ring fenced your deposit. He's isolating you, gaslighting you and turning you into a meek little house slave who will never ask him to do his fair share for fear of his reaction. Get out of this relationship, get the house sold, get legal advice if you need to about getting your money back.

trumpisvomitous · 09/03/2026 22:20

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 09/03/2026 22:16

So he's always belittled and bullied you, and you still bought a house with him? WTF?

Hey, stop with the victim blaming please.
Yes OP has been naïve but she is not the aggressor here. Lets try and help her.

wheresthesnowgone · 09/03/2026 22:20

I hope you ringfenced your 70%

User1786 · 09/03/2026 22:19

Sorry but this is only going to get worse. He should be excited moving in together but looks like he isn’t. Dump him, you deserve so much better

JellyIegs · 09/03/2026 22:19

💃 leave him nowwww 💃

Sorry this has happened OP but get away from this awful man before you’re in even deeper.

Doubledenim305 · 09/03/2026 22:19

Another one saying get out now.
So I see that it's you that has left your family and friends to move up with him. And now he has you financially tied and away from your support network no need for the mask now. He's got you and u start being trained to clean, cook and do laundry for him whilst he works and relaxes. That is his plan and you have wrecked it, expecting him to get off his lazy backside and help a bit.
Cut your loses. He's truly ghastly person.

Giddykiddy · 09/03/2026 22:19

why is it always gaming with these fecking awful men - in what universe can they justify this inequity

sidneytweeney · 09/03/2026 22:19

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

THIS X 10000000
it will get worse and he won’t change. LEAVE
It will get to the stage where you won’t object to anything because his reaction will be hostile and upsetting

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