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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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Luckystarss · 09/03/2026 23:05

OP you mentioned you moved closer to be with him. How far away is your family or, friends?

can someone from your friends or family come and stay with you for a while (and he needs to move back to his family) until you figure out best way to deal with the house?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/03/2026 23:01

Get rid

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 09/03/2026 23:01

This is how it starts and it never ends well.

You have to leave NOW!

9021Pho · 09/03/2026 23:00

Wow OP. What a horrible situation, I really feel for you.

I think the advice you've been given here is pretty sound. If you were my sister, daughter or friend I'd be terrified of getting that call...

As hard as it seems ending this relationship now, imagine yourself five years from now having had to put up with this behaviour and constant stress - it’ll wear you down in ways you might not even notice at first. The therapy bills alone could easily cost more than whatever you’d lose financially by walking away now.

Hold onto yourself. Don’t let him rob you of your confidence, your peace of mind, or years of a life that could be spent with someone that's actually nice to you and treats you like a human being.

JHound · 09/03/2026 22:59

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

Sorry I just now read all your comments. I would not see a future with this man.

EdithBond · 09/03/2026 22:58

He was immature, disrespectful and emotionally abusive.

It may help to change your framing. A woman shouldn’t be ‘helped’ by a man to carry out everyday domestic chores, like cooking, washing up, laundry and tidying. Because she’s not primarily responsible.

Men are equally responsible. If he lived alone, he’d have to do it all himself.

And looks like he may end up living alone, because no one (flatmate, partner) should put up with even having to ask him to do it, let alone tolerate his response.

cestlavielife · 09/03/2026 22:57

Kick him out get a lodger. Buy him out

JHound · 09/03/2026 22:57

Do you own the property together? Is this behaviour from him normal? This would would have me contemplating a separation.

VeganStar · 09/03/2026 22:55

Thank Goodness it’s only two weeks in and not two years op.
get out at the beginning don’t wait until you’re beaten down and made a slave of.
he thinks he’s swopped one maidservant for another by the sounds of it. Misogynistic pig.
Sounds as if he’s been bullying you and calling you demeaning names for a while now and yet you still moved on with him.
Did you think his behaviour would improve? Well it won’t.

  1. you put your big girls knickers on and stand up to him.
  2. you just shut up and put up with it
  3. you get the hell out
  4. you throw him out
These are the choices but whatever you do, do not have children with him, as others have said because if you think you have problems now…
ImpracticalMagic · 09/03/2026 22:54

Lovey, he's never going to change. He doesn't work full time, you put down most of the deposit, he complained when you said spending money on going out wasn't a great choice when you were saving. He doesn't clean the house & is keen to sat up his gaming den whilst you run the house around him. Now he's priming you to do everything without asking him, by manipulating you with his bad moods. It won't get better. Sell the house, move back near family & friends, and don't waste years in this man. Please for goodness sake don't have a baby with him. You'll be tied to him for life, & he has already shown that he's happy to be verbally & emotionally abusive to you at a minimum.

Alpacajigsaw · 09/03/2026 22:53

Why does the lazy bastard only work 20 hours a week whilst you work over 50?

Seriously OP bin him off and send him back to his mother.

Whatwerewetalkingabout · 09/03/2026 22:53

What an abusive dickhead!! So sorry OP, you shouldn't be treated like this. Xx

Has he ever done anything like this whilst you were at his Mums? Xx

SunMoonandChocolate · 09/03/2026 22:52

My advice would be instead of crying, go and find him and give him what for OP.

Ask him who the hell put him in charge, and why does he feel the need to insult the person who he only recently chose to buy a home with. Tell him his behaviour is completely unacceptable, and that unless he is prepared to sit down and work out a routine of dealing with household tasks which is fair to BOTH of you, and STICKING WITH IT, that you are done with him, and will be putting the house back on the market, and moving back to where you came from, as you're not prepared to put up with his abuse, and MEAN IT!!

As so many others have said, please, please, please DO NOT get pregnant with this arsehole, as things will only get worse, probably even while you're carrying his child. DON'T RISK IT!

You're far better off with no man, than putting up with shit like this OP!

thestudio · 09/03/2026 22:51

You’ve got to get out of the relationship now. This man is a nasty, exploitative, violent little prick who doesn’t care about you at all. He’s a misogynist. He believes women are worth less than him and he will never, ever change. He will almost certainly turn his violence on you and any child you have eventually.

Cut your losses, and get out before you mess up your future child by giving them this abusive shit as a father. And then I beg you, spend as much time in therapy as it takes to understand why you ever put up with being treated like this - why you thought it was normal for the woman to do all the shitwork, why you think you’re worth so little that this little man seems like someone you want.

ValueofNothing · 09/03/2026 22:51

He's training you to not exoect him to help in future because you now know how he will act if you ask him to.

In his eyes, his time, and what he wants to do is more important than your wants and needs.

Lavender14 · 09/03/2026 22:50

Would I have told him not to prioritise the lights - probably not tbh if diy/ decorating still needs done. But would I continue to date him after that reaction? Absolutely fucking not. Even if had have come upstairs and had a tone with him it still wouldn't justify that reaction from him.

That was abusive and utterly unacceptable. Get rid op, you're only 2 weeks in and he's already showing you who he is.

Imbusytodaysorry · 09/03/2026 22:49

@Modernop don’t waste minute or penny on him or this house . He’s an abusive arse. This is just the start of it.

Alpacajigsaw · 09/03/2026 22:49

He’s a prick but I mean this kindly OP I think you may be susceptible to being walked over in general by people if you don’t put a stop to it. Why were you working 10.5 hours with a 15 minute break?

Darkladyofthesonnets · 09/03/2026 22:49

No matter how hard it is you have to get him out - either the house is sold or you buy him out. I really hope your deposit was ring fenced. You need legal advice about the house. He is awful and he is only going to get worse. He thinks he has you trapped with the house and he would be immeasurably "worse" if you ever had a child.

Tink3rbell30 · 09/03/2026 22:48

Why did you move in with this man? Move back out immediately. He's shown you what he's like to live with.

somanychristmaslights · 09/03/2026 22:47

Oh dear. This is going to be an expensive mistake. How long were you with him before you moved in? Did you live together properly before buying?

Endofyear · 09/03/2026 22:47

It sounds like you've made a big mistake moving in with a moody lazy twat. Stop crying and start packing. It will only get worse.

usedtobeaylis · 09/03/2026 22:47

Oh God no. Get out of it any way you can. Don't let this be your life.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/03/2026 22:47

Get legal advice; serve him with papers to buy him out and evict him; get a lodger to help pay mortgage and any extra loan to buy out.

CharlotteFlax · 09/03/2026 22:47

Things will not change for the better. Sorry love, if you want a nice life, leave him.