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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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Calendulaaria · 10/03/2026 03:52

I'd move straight out. He's not ready to live with someone and share responsibilities.

KatyKopykat · 10/03/2026 03:37

@RawBloomers said "... a dire relationship that can only make you miserable and could well trap you and narrow your one and only life into a shell of its potential."

This is what happened to me. I wasn't "allowed" to take a promotion because it meant travel and some overnight stays because he was "afraid of other men".

I was a wreck when I ended it and went into another relationship with someone who wasn't physically violent but full of insults and put downs when the honeymoon period wore off. I ended up with zero confidence at work and always felt like an imposter, so never did as well as I probably could have.

ChampagneLassie · 10/03/2026 03:35

get angry not sad, stop letting him walk over you. But moreover it doesn’t sound like he’s bringing much to this relationship. One of my friends left a month after buying house together. Annoying and costly yes, but safer and happier. Ciukd yoy buy him out and get a lodger?

KatyKopykat · 10/03/2026 03:09

Also how did you meet this guy if you lived somewhere you had to move to his hometown? What was the courtship like @Modernop ? Have you had to change jobs or do you WFH all the time? He's going to isolate you too. I had that. I lived in my hometown but he hated all my friends who were all a "bad influence" "immature" or "slappers".

KatyKopykat · 10/03/2026 02:59

WheresthesaladTheresthesalad · 09/03/2026 22:11

This.

Happened to me too, almost instantly upon moving in after 5 years together.

I ran for the hills 4 months in, thank fk.
If he's like this to you in what should be the honeymoon phase, it will only get worse.

Definitely definitely LTB, OP.

💐

And me. Same story, put up the deposit. Moved in end of May over the bank holiday weekend. I had an operation early June. He took me to hospital and screamed at me because I couldn't remember the directions to hospital. When I came home I was signed off work for two weeks and he screamed at me for not moving furniture with him when I'd been told not to lift or carry.

This was the start. It was another 10 years before I left, after financial abuse, sulking about sex, being raped, being assaulted and stonewalling. He'd convinced me it was the way I said things or asked, that I was selfish and immature.

He'd come home from work at 3.30 and flop on the sofa in his shirt underpants and socks having taken his trousers off and chucked on the bed. He'd fall asleep and snore and then get angry when I didn't want sex. (Would you after looking at that all night?)

If I turned the TV over while he was asleep he'd suddenly wake up and snarl that he was "watching that, turn it back over".

He was a teacher and refused to do anything domestic in the school holidays as "I'm on holiday". I was shopping like a headless chicken on Christmas Eve in my lunch break because "I'm not doing it it's my holidays".

I wasted my 20s on this twat, don't do the same. Give him his 30% back on top of his packed suitcase.

AgnesMcDoo · 10/03/2026 02:39

What an arsehole.

end it now before it’s too late or this will be the rest of your life

Wordsmithery · 10/03/2026 02:26

The laziness is bad enough. But the scorn and the pattern of behaviour are what's really concerning.

Right now he's testing you to see how far he can go. We know how this narrative ends. See a solicitor and take steps to get rid of him. Don't become a statistic.

CVK · 10/03/2026 02:24

From someone 15 years down the line from this: RUN. It won’t get better.

TemporaryHousing · 10/03/2026 02:18

He sounds like a complete wanker to be honest.
Do you ever say anything back when he gets like that?
Don't let him make you feel like shit, he sounds really young and frankly embarrassing storming around like that. It's giving me the ick thinking of it. You're not his Mum or a maid, but he's treating you exactly like that.
Tell him he needs to pull his weight and see what his response is. I feel like I can see you in twenty years time being treated worse than this and chained to housework and admin just to keep the peace.
Is he on the mortgage with you?

lunalovegoodsradishearrings · 10/03/2026 01:54

Meanwhile my husband came home from a long shift to unclog a toilet I couldn't, didn't moan or judge, gave me a cuddle and made me laugh about it. Get a man that you deserves and deserves you. Life is too short for crap relationships.

Bonkers1966 · 10/03/2026 01:51

What a prince.

99bottlesofkombucha · 10/03/2026 01:35

Please please please please tell me your deposit is ringfenced!! It’s a shitty relationship op I’m sorry, you need to get out. Hes a leech not a partner. He wants you to do all the work and it sounds like most of the funding and if he’s not actually abusive with his chucking things around and rage at being asked to do something for his house he will be soon. I really wish you’d realised this before buying with him but please remember nothing can change the decisions of the past and they are not worth staying with him. And if you want children, find a different partner asap. One who will care for you and support you and parent the children he has with you. This one will yell at you and throw the neatly folded baby things around the room and call you little miss perfect and yell ‘other women manage why are you so fucking hopeless’ when you ask him to hold the baby for 30 minutes because you haven’t had more than 30 minutes sleep in days and baby threw up 30 times overnight. Then he’ll realise you hadn’t cooked him dinner and start yelling again. LEAVE HIM

Jane143 · 10/03/2026 01:23

Welcome to the reality of some men! Worse when married

cordeliavorkosigan · 10/03/2026 01:15

Oh op. I hope you hear all the wise advice on here. It would be hard to think of moving out so soon after moving in, but everyone's right, he is showing you who he is, and you should listen.
And don't cry. Get angry. How dare he??!

Francestein · 10/03/2026 01:10

I think he needs a come to Jesus moment. Time you send him back to live with his mum. I’m pretty sure you could rent out his gaming room to a paying lodger and be treated with more respect. Let him know this and that you will not tolerate that kind of tantrum ever again.

biggestcatmom · 10/03/2026 01:06

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:55

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

Jesus Christ he’s living the life of Riley - and totally sponging off you. Please tell him to fuck off, you’re worth far more than this

Beetlebum89 · 10/03/2026 01:04

Nice guy. Not. Leave him. 2 weeks in and he's treating you like this. No way.

AlexStocks · 10/03/2026 00:57

What does he bring that makes that childish behavior worth it?

SweetDreamsAreMadeOfFizz · 10/03/2026 00:52

Oh OP 😔 this is not how safe and respectful relationships feel. He is showing his true colours here and they are ugly and toxic.

ByRoseSnake · 10/03/2026 00:39

JetFlight · 10/03/2026 00:35

He’s punishing you so you don’t expect him to help you. He will always act like this. He’s selfish and doesn’t want to be in a committed equal relationship. He wants you to act like his mum and do all the mundane tasks including providing him with food. He wants you to use your money while he spends all his. He wants sex.

It won’t get better op. You should think about living a better life without him.

Exactly this.

Sorry to escalate it, it might not be accurate or identical in your case at all - but I know from experience that these acts of quiet violence with ex did eventually move into expectations, demands of sex, shaming for not providing it and then full blown SA over time. By time I had been fully 'trained' and emotionally broken.

Please put yourself first OP and trust your gut
I can't stand to think of anyone else going through that

Onmytod24 · 10/03/2026 00:37

Could you afford to pay the mortgage? Are both your names on the deeds?

You need to separate and quick

JetFlight · 10/03/2026 00:35

He’s punishing you so you don’t expect him to help you. He will always act like this. He’s selfish and doesn’t want to be in a committed equal relationship. He wants you to act like his mum and do all the mundane tasks including providing him with food. He wants you to use your money while he spends all his. He wants sex.

It won’t get better op. You should think about living a better life without him.

ByRoseSnake · 10/03/2026 00:35

OP - 100% YANBU.
I lived this life with a man-child who even wanted to marry and have children, apparently. It was a miserable time in the final years, in which I lost my entire identity, was isolated from family and scolded when I made any comment against his 'perfect' self (read abusive, ultimately... and his in laws supported it)

Mine ended after 5 years, which involved a total 4 phonecalls and callouts to the police for DV, him finally being arrested with near prosecution, and a huge amount of trauma for me to carry.

If he is genuinely amenable to change, great - but otherwise, gut feeling is save yourself now. Sounds so familiar. I know it will feel devastating and confusing thinking about these doubts in the relationship, though.

It's fine to enjoy things like cooking and making the house nice for your partner, but not when it's demanded of you and you're punished like a bad servant. Acts of service should feel like a mutual and forgiving form of love.

Sorry and sending hugs and love 💖

Muffinmam · 10/03/2026 00:24

You shouldn’t have to ask him.

Why are you feeding him when he does absolutely nothing around the house?

It will only get worse from here. He’s lazy and expects you to do everything.

PotatoLove · 10/03/2026 00:23

He sounds like an abusive lazy twat.

He's also showing you who he is.

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