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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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flippertygibbet4 · 10/03/2026 07:12

Huge red flag. Please please prioritise yourself. Nothing is ever too late to change. Even if you've bought your flat. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Think to yourself, would you treat him like he treats you? He has shown you who he is. Believe him. It's not too late, please don't start to build a life with this guy. He won't change. Good luck x

FateAmenableToChange · 10/03/2026 07:11

Makes me so sad to read this after all the positivity of international woman’s day. Why are young women still saddling themselves with these oxygen thieves.

The only good way out of this is you find a way to give him his 30% deposit back and get in the him fuck out of your house.

Good luck, I hope you find a way to see, before it’s too late, that the path youre on with this man leads to nothing but misery.

MyDeftDuck · 10/03/2026 07:09

Sorry OP, but you’ve just set up home with a spoiled brat whose mummy used to wait on hand and foot to the point of wiping his arse for him……..and he now expects you to do the same!
My advice????? Get out now! Do not stay with this pathetic article and do not consider marriage!

moleeye · 10/03/2026 07:05

Do not have children with this man

It will not improve

Studyunder · 10/03/2026 07:04

Get the hell out of the relationship. If he’s like this when you’ve just moved in (when it should be the honeymoon phase), he’s only going to get worse. This a classic never had children with him situation.

AirborneElephant · 10/03/2026 07:04

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:55

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

Please, please tell me that you protected that deposit?

Sassylovesbooks · 10/03/2026 07:03

Oh my lovely, you have a man-child. He's gone from living at home, where no doubt his Mum did everything, to living with you. He expects you to take over from where his Mum left off.

He finishes work at 1 pm, and then expects to sit on his arse, when you don't finish until 6 pm. No no no, that's not how it works. You both own the house, therefore he's 50% responsible for the running of it, and that means not just bills but chores too.

You are going to need to sit and have a calm conversation with him. I had a boyfriend like this, but thankfully we never bought, the property was rented. He was exactly the same, thought I was an extension of his Mother, and was going to run around after him.

From my perspective, it never got any better, no matter how many conversations we had. He was immature and simply wasn't responsible enough to live with a girlfriend. We split in the end.

Londonrach1 · 10/03/2026 06:57

At only two weeks your relationship won't survive living together. Sorry but he not the right one for you

PinkLegoBalloon · 10/03/2026 06:56

Oh god. He's awful.

I can't imagine why you wanted to buy a house with him?! 🤦

Please tell me your 70% deposit is ring fenced and you're on the strongest contraception in the land. 😔

DoneWithMIL · 10/03/2026 06:51

Caiti19 · 09/03/2026 22:19

It cannot be overstated how important it is to your whole life trajectory to end your relationship with this man before you become pregnant.

This is 2 weeks in, this is the honeymoon phase. This is a huge red flag. Get out.

This is great advice

PepsiBook · 10/03/2026 06:46

Is this really how you want to spend your life?
Do not be his maid.
If he worked until 1pm he should have done literally everything, not gaming.
Don't wash your time. Money is something you can make more of, but you'll only loose time with this looser.

Chickenlittlesmum · 10/03/2026 06:45

worstnotholiday · 09/03/2026 21:38

Do you want to live this way op? It’s early days and he’s treating you like the help. Well, less than, as he couldn’t actually treat hired help so badly. Why does he do no washing no dishes no nothing? You are neither his mum nor his maid and unless that’s a role you want to take on- get out of this. Sulking and stripping are emotional abusive ways to punish you for having the temerity to speak up. Slowly you’ll learn not to- so as to avoid the storm and ensuing negativity.

This with giant bells on.

I married someone like this because I didn't know what they were really like ( they had a job that took them away for long periods). Then he changed his job and was home more.
I finally saw him clearly and spoke up, and I got all the sulking, stone walling and entitled behaviour.
I didn't back down and eventually he had an affair so I was able to divorce him.

I would advise you to cut your losses now - it won't improve,

I'm sorry x

BlackthornBlossom · 10/03/2026 06:41

"Righteous describes a person, action, or decision that is morally justifiable, virtuous, and upright, often aligned with divine law or a high standard of justice. It signifies freedom from guilt or sin. Common synonyms include honourable, ethical, and honest, while related concepts include righteous indignation"

If righteous is the worst insult he can come up with, you need to wear it like a badge of honour.

You sound lovely, hard working and you deserve so much better - as PPs have said, boot him out, find a lodger. Sign any correspondence from "Little Miss Righteous" (unless it's a legal doc of course 😉).

You can start calling him Mr Lazy Parasite back.

Getmeouttathismess · 10/03/2026 06:38

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

This! Run for the hills!

loislovesstewie · 10/03/2026 06:34

Leave. He won't change. He thinks you are his mum, that it's your job to care for him and that he can just sit around on his arse doing the bare minimum. If you want to live like that for the rest of your life, carry on. If not leave before you can't .
Edited to say he leaves having seen your further post.

AdaDex · 10/03/2026 06:34

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:55

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

I hope you took legal steps to protect your deposit.

I agree with everyone else. This behaviour is not a good sign. I had one that refused to behave like an adult when we moved in. The situation was much more simple than yours. It was a just a trial run before moving in permanently.

One example was his reluctance to contribute financially. I had to ask him every time for his share and he made a god awful fuss about handing it over. One time he stood over me on the couch and dropped £20 notes on my head one at a time, while dramatically counting it out loud. Prick.

I booted him out after that. Couldn't be arsed with that nonsense. He was shocked but there was nothing he could do about it. I told him that if this was how it was going to be living together then it wasn't going to happen.

TheMadGardener · 10/03/2026 06:30

At least he's shown you who he is early. He doesn't really care about you, he just wants a maid who'll clean and provide sex while he games. Don't have kids with him or marry him. You'll just end up doing 90% of childcare and housework and resenting him. Lay down some rules for fair division of labour, and if he kicks off, break up with him. It may sound daunting when you've just bought a house but you can find someone so much better who treats you like you deserve. Do you really want to spend years resenting his behaviour?

blueshoes · 10/03/2026 06:30

Duvetdayneeded · 10/03/2026 06:08

If you haven’t ring fenced your deposit, act now, and get rid of him.

I agree.

OP, be grateful that the only thing you will lose at this stage is money (and his deadweight) which should be relatively little if you sell the house now. It is so much much worse if you are married and once you have kids with this abusive cocklodger and he has ground you down so much it takes you a lost decade or more to leave.

Leave this boyfriend when you are young, You can make a better life with a loving respectful partner that does not make you cry because he is grooming you not to make any demands on him.

toodleoothen · 10/03/2026 06:26

He sounds insufferable. And, you don't sound, unfortunately, like you are likely to heed all the huge red flags and advise (from those who have been there, done that and got the scars) on this board. Ofcourse you will tear up at this kind of behaviour. And, it will only get worse.

Nellodee · 10/03/2026 06:26

He sounds horrible and you sound miserable. Is this really how you want to spend your life?

blueshoes · 10/03/2026 06:23

HoppingPavlova · 10/03/2026 05:42

@blueshoes This is not a different 'working style'. He is not 'working' at all. He games, puts up lights in his gaming 'office' and visits his mother. He does not 'wash, do dishes, nothing' until OP asks him and then he flies into a rage and then throws things, slam doors and calls her 'little miss righteous'. Is that what your DH with a different working style does? If so, would you condone it?

My point was it can be a matter of interpretation. That’s what DH and I had to resolve to begin with when we moved in together. He believed I did nothing until he asked me (exactly what you are describing), however that was not the case. I was just doing it to a different timetable.

For example, per my post. When we move, his take would be ‘she doesn’t do any unpacking unless I ask her and hassle her’. Whereas my take is ‘I don’t believe I need to do it now, my plan is to sit surrounded by boxes and tackle some on the weekend’. So, yes, in his mind, I’m not doing anything at all (while he is madly unpacking boxes), whereas in my mind I’m doing it on a different schedule and then not my fault if overall he has done the lions share because he has felt the need to rush to get it done whereas I have not. It’s been an issue whenever we have moved. My point was, can this be what the OP is experiencing.

Similarly, with the general everyday household routine example I have given, at the beginning his take was ‘she sits and does nothing while I do it all and I gave to ask her and hassle her to do it in order for it to get done’, whereas my take was ‘not my problem you are choosing to do household chores now because you think they need to be done now, and the fact I’m not doing anything now doesn’t mean I won’t do stuff, I’ll just do stuff later and no, I’m then not doing it because you hassled me about it, thinking you had to fir me to do it, I was going to do it then anyway on my own terms/schedule’. If that meant I had less to do when I got to it because meanwhile DH had done more thinking I wasn’t going to do it, but my problem. Again, this may/may not be relevant to OP’s situation, but I put it out there as seems they gave just moved into their own place together so may be the same as DH/I when we did so. He just learnt/accepted not to do it all, just do half, don’t mention the other half to me and I’ll do that in my time vs to his schedule. Once that got ironed out, perspectives changed and harmony was achieved. Again, may or may not be relevant to OP.

@HoppingPavlova What you are describing is not relevant to OP because OP's boyfriend's response is to resort to express voilence against objects and implied violence against her. That is not healthy communication. That is a threat.

HellybellyMelly · 10/03/2026 06:22

@Modernop do you have an exit plan? Make solid plans to get out. As previous people have said, hes showing you his true colours, and you should be happy you have no children. Speak to a friend, or ask a solicitor. Then id bide my time and get him out when the time is right.

My ex was like this, and in my case it was my house. But he refused to leave, and I had stupidly had kids. I got him out in the end but not before moving out myself. Thankfully he had no rights to anything.

JustMyView13 · 10/03/2026 06:20

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

He feels emasculated because you are more financially secure than him. Did you buy the house as tenants in common or joint tenants? And did you document that 70% of the deposit came from you?
I don’t see a world where you’re still with this guy in 25yrs so you might aswell make sure your paperwork is water tight. Download all your bank statements incase it’s not and start preparing your evidence. One day you’ll realise deserve more than his behaviour, and you’ll be thankful you were organised when you do.

DeQuin · 10/03/2026 06:11

Am concerned about your 70% deposit. Agree with PP who say that you shouldn't let this dictate your decision on whether to stay with him. If it's only been two weeks, it should make it simpler than 15 years down the line.

Honestly, this is a massive massive massive red flag. Do not, under any circumstances, have children with this man.

Acutissima · 10/03/2026 06:10

... And think very, very carefully before becoming the list -writing, wife work doing, manbaby appeasing doormat that the poster above my first comment suggests you become. You don't have to live that way, he's also an adult, and it's frankly depressing and awful to be expected to mould yourself like that to fit around an uncaring and aggressive man.

They just aren't worth it, despite how oestrogen and patriarchal socialisation try to make us believe they are.

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