Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

Oh jeez girl, this is really, really bad.
Don't overthink this. You need to split and sell now.
Getting over the embarrassment (as you said you'd feel embarrassed) and hoo ha now is far better than an abusive relationship for the next 20 years.
I'm so glad you posted on here so we can save you a wasted, unhappy life.

You’ve NOTHING to be embarrassed about. You’re a kind, loving person and his loss. Please do what’s right for you now. We’ve all been there at some point. The main point is to live and learn. It won’t be a smooth ride but get planning how to get out mow. Fuck him, he brought it all on himself.

Different circumstances but there’s wonderful thread by Gingerload - Blindsided by H. She has the best attitude and rides above it all, letting her ex dig his own hole.

wishing you the very, very best. You’ll thank yoursepf in the future by dumping his arse. Grey rock all the way!

Attachment styles are irrelevant here IMO and nothing the OP has said has suggested she is either anxious or needy, and nothing to suggest an ‘anxious attachment style’. Please do not lay any blame at her feet for his inexcusable behaviour. She is in quite a vulnerable position in a relationship with a man who is intimidating, belittling, and actually has the potential to be quite dangerous.

Gosh. All these men with their hobbies.

This is reminding me if the AIBU (I think) a few weeks ago from the woman with the 2 children with disabilities and the husband who doesn't bother helping that then threw a hissy fit at their 9 year old daughter. He's out all hours with his hobby. And this boyfriend has a new hobby does he?

Good oh. The more he's out the more chance you have to

a) collect together your items and sever any joint financial products. Please do not enter into a joint bank account with this man.

b) consult with the links on refuge etc and advice on financial abuse. Remember, you put down 70% of the deposit. Not him. It's YOUR money, honey.

c) once you've picked a time, him being out gives you ample opportunity to get the locks changed. Take advice on if this is possible for a co owner maybe.

Id be tempted to smash up his Xbox but that's just me.

Anyhoo Weaponised incompetence! someone mentioned it upthread. The woman who was being violently ill in early pregnancy but was still working full days unlike her husband, and doing all the chores, but whose husband ate ALL the cake shed bought as a punishment.he was also a hobbyist too iirc

So just yesterday alone: he saw you crying enquired what’s wrong and when you told him he belittled you again and put the blame back on you (you don’t have hobbies and have to beg him for his time ?);
he mock laughed at you;
and was shouting at you so loud the neighbours could hear?
all in one night?

he is a scary scary man…

I truly hope you can safely extract yourself from this situation …

perhaps you could go back to your family or trusted friend or Airbnb to stay for a week under the pretext of some important urgent issue or health issue or something else. During that time you could calmly plan your safe exit plan?

also since you can work remotely- that gives you flexibility.

I agree with other poster who predict that he is going to get worse after he learns your plans to leave. (After all if he is so nasty day to day , what he will be like when he knows he can’t get his daily dose of abuse out?)
You need to be strategic careful and have real life support for your exit - it all takes time to plan
After all that is over - book yourself a holiday somewhere nice if you can and be relieved that you had a lucky escape

OP, you must work through how best to move forward. This is your life and you make the decisions for you. I can only tell you what I would do based on my life experience. It seems you are now realising that this relationship will not work for you. Many people hit that realisation after something they have been moving toward doesn’t solve underlying issues. We tell ourselves that the baby, the wedding or the new house will mean a positive future. Feel no shame for that but don’t get into sunk costs trying make it work and sticking around for ages if your gut tells you it won’t.

From here work out what’s best practically- can you afford to buy him out, is it best to sell now, or at the first point that makes sense. Then big girl pants and tell him how you see it playing out. It is enough to end any relationship with the words, ‘I’m so sorry, it’s just not working for me, I’m not happy’. Find your version of this and that is your mantra, don’t get into details, insist that your mind won’t be changed, just repeat, ‘it’s not working for me’ - then repeat the practical way forward. Do not get drawn in, keep moving toward the future in your conversation. See how that goes. Don’t do this if you are scared of him, perhaps do it with someone there?

Be prepared to leave. I had a similar relationship ending and I left that after the conversation to stay with a friend- I had a bag in the car and just walked after giving the news. I offered to buy out, I begged and borrowed, and had a year or two living on beans on toast, worth it. My ex pissed all that money up the wall and a year later had nothing to show…he had to move in with his dad, bloody hard to watch. Like your situation we were not financially compatible (+behaviour issues) and I knew there was no future. I should have got out sooner…

You need to get out of this relationship.
He conned you.
He's a user.

Yes its painful but nothing as bad as throwing your life away.
Talk to a domestic abuse charity.
Tell family and friends the truth.
Find the paperwork and get legal advice.
Buy him out or sell it.

But get this abusive prick out of your life.

He’s telling you he has the power. You do not. You want him to ‘help’ with ‘your’ tasks as his female servant? You’d better beg.

This is how you want to live?

A good partner is your safe space (most of the time!) and shouldn't be the source of your worries and upset. They should be your comfort when the rest of the world out there is challenging!

Nah, he's an arsehole.

It sounds like you have different attachment styles. You're looking for a different kind of partnership where you contribute equally, he's present and you spend quality time together. It sounds to me from your posts like you might have a slightly anxious attachment style. (I don't think anything you want is unreasonable by the way, but the way you describe how you express yourself to him is giving me anxious attachment vibes). He sounds more avoidant and like he wants to be free to do his own thing, unencumbered by another person's neediness. Therefore, his aloofness will trigger you and your neediness will trigger him and it won't end well unless some changes are made.

Based on your last post, it's really good that you've come to the realization that the two of you are not compatible. You can now figure out how to extricate yourself.

You can definitely come back from this and learn from this for the future. Don't commit to someone unless they are consistent, seem interested in you over a long period of time, pull their weight and they care about your wellbeing. It might be a good idea to do some therapy to work on why you thought this relationship was acceptable to make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes. Good luck, OP!

You absolutely need to go, and do so ASAP. Is there any way at all that you can buy him out? Any family that could lend you the money, or can you remortgage? You may lose out now, but your position is getting worse every day while his is getting better. So leave, even if you have to sell the house and take a financial hit.

I’m so glad you’ve realised you need to get out @Modernop

Just be prepared for all the backtracking once he thinks you are leaving.

It may be a slog but you can do this and never again will you be subjected to his mistreatment of you.

I’m so angry and disappointed for you.

Tell him you're clearly not compatible, ask him to leave.

OP don’t be embarrassed l. You made a mistake, we’ve all made them. It’s how you move forward that’s important.
Please speak to a solicitor first and see about getting your deposit ring fenced. And then decide if you want to buy him out or sell.

He sounds like an absolute cunt tbh. He expects you to ask to spend time in him? Who the fuck does he think he is?

Sometimes in life you have to cut your losses to move forward and this is that time. Please don’t allow him to reel you back in. Draw a line under this chapter and make a better life away from this prick

Just be aware now ‘he has his own place’ your home doesn’t become the dumping ground of piss head central and eat you out if house and home (apart from wrecking the place).

I can see this chap using this an excuse to bring his friends around at all times of night and say well you wanted me to spend more time with you…

please wrap yourself with your support network…

There are a few things in here that raise more alarm bells for me in addition to your further update

1. It sounds like (at least) the beginning stages of financial abuse is underway already
2. Blaming his behaviour on stress. He is a grown adult. He is responsible for his behaviour, yet he is passing the responsibility onto other things
3. The cliche of ‘he has anger problems’ and ‘needs counselling’. This is part of an abuser’s script, they all make this claim. It’s further deflection and inability to take responsibility for his actions. Since making these statements, has he sought counselling or support for his anger? (I would imagine not. They never do.)
4. Shouting loud enough the neighbours can hear. This is not normal behaviour OP. Of course every couple argues at times, however shouting to this level is neither acceptable or a sign of a healthy relationship
5. When you have raised what is making you unhappy in the relationship, his responses are classic DARVO. Everything is deflected back on to you and he is suddenly the victim.

You will have a really unhappy life with this man OP and he will only get worse. I can promise you as someone who has been there and has left, you would be much happier single and living alone than putting up with this shit.
Is buying him out of the property on the cards? I am not hugely knowledgeable about financial things, but you seem to be determined and have a great work ethic. I think you could make it work on your own. You certainly don’t need him.

Also, I'd like to add on a safety note. Once you do have all your ducks in a row and decide to tell him it is over, if you think it could be unsafe make sure someone else is there with you or in public. Have you got a friend or family member that could confide in that could come stay with you when the time comes?

Remember the old adage "when someone shows you who they are,believe them." He has definitely shown you and I think now you do believe him, it will not get better, if anything it will escalate, because he thinks you are weak. Show him you are not.

Please get 3 estate agents round and put the house on the market.
Although it may cost you money in the short term I think overall it will be better for you in the long term. Xx
Good luck OP

Oh OP, I'm so sorry this is happening. Tomorrow contact citizens advice and womens aid. They will be able to support you and give advice moving forward. Or see if their are any solicitors that will give you a free consultation near you.

I would speak to them before saying anything to your partner to make sure you are safe as he sounds like he could potentially become nasty.

Oh, OP, the embarrassment here does not belong to you. You are a trusting, loving person who expected to be treated the way you would treat others - as most people do. The shame here belongs to a man who has behaved this way and strung you along.

Its a hard lesson, and a shame you had to learn it like this. But better sooner than later. Maybe your local domestic abuse agency can help advise you. Sending you support.

@Modernop don't be embarrassed. I think you're being really brave. You've recognised that you've made a mistake and now you're going to rectify it. And yes, I understand (we all do) that this is really hard and stressful for you.

If you can pay the mortgage yourself (maybe by taking a lodger) then that's a good option for you, and you should try and buy him out. If not you'll have to sell.

How have you been paying the mortgage? This is important. If you have made all the payments (even if he paid for other things) then he has no claim other than his initial deposit.
If he has paid towards the mortgage at all (even by contributing to a joint account that the mortgage payments come out of) then he has a claim to half the equity remaining after you deduct your deposit, his deposit, and the remaining mortgage from the sale price (less costs).

There should be proof that you transferred money from your bank account for the deposit surely?
I would be telling him to go back to his mum's and you are putting the house up for sale.
Move back closer to family and frifor support.

Don't be embarrassed. Be strong. You've already decided what you need to do, that's brilliant!!! Good for you. Get your family to help, don't do it all alone. Good luck, you CAN do this xx

Im glad you are realising who he is

He's lazy and sees you as a soft touch. He thinks he can spend your money rather than take responsibility and get a full time job.

You aren't righteous. He's just a good for nothing cocklodger.

Bin him.

Don't stay because you'll lose money. Remember sunk costs fallacy - you will lose more in the long run staying with him.

He doesn't love or respect you. He just sees you as easy.

You'll be better in a shared house.

Get legal advice and sell up. You are better than this.