Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

Oh dear.

Dump. Definitely don't have kids with.

Sorry, did you say boyfriend or your 13 year old child?

I lost my temper with my husband a few weeks back for never tidying away empty cans and drink bottles. He'd left some on the coffee table for days, I left them there hoping he would remove them, he didn't, I needed the coffee table, so I moved them to by the sink, and thought he might deal with them from there. He didn't. I was getting ready to walk the dog having already cooked and done other housework and said a bit stroppily would you please deal with your rubbish. He went in a massive strop got really annoyed slammed them all into the main bin when they are meant to be recycled, I said why are you putting them in the main bin? He said why can't you deal with it, I got really angry started crying and said, because I already do everything and I'm sick of it and stormed off to walk the dog, crying in the rain!

When I got back, things were civil and I noticed he'd moved the bottles to the recycling and for the last few weeks he's done loads more at home, with tidying his rubbish away and lots of other things.

He's a wonderful hardworking man, but so many men either consciously or subconsciously seem to expect women to do most of the housework, even the wonderful ones, it's always going to crop up in my relationship (my Dad however wasn't like this).

However, for him to act this badly this early on, with no kids yet, it does not bode well. My husband and I were way way more equal before kids, and as newly moved in together couple, in fact it possibly did a bit more than me in terms of cooking and tidying, it was fun times of staring our new life together and who does what and caring for our new home..

"Little miss righteous" is a really mean thing to say. Don't waste your years on someone who doesn't truly like you.

Leave. Find someone caring and helpful. You want to be a team, it'll get worse when you have children, you'll end up carrying the load. Escape now.

Welcome to the world of living with a 'man' - you now start doing all the things their mummies used to do for them while they play
If you want to stay with him, you need to lay some rules down

OP you know you shouldn't have to feel like this. I'd start off by waiting a day or two until things cool down and trying to have a reasonable, rational conversation. You're sorry you spoke to him in a snappy tone. But calling you righteous is unfair when you were just trying to get the house sorted and clean which is necessary work. You both need to be able to discuss these things and agree a way of working together to resolve things. What would he like to put forward as his preference for how you can agree a division of labour?

If he throws his toys out of the pram again and behaves badly I'm afraid I agree with PPs that it will only get worse and you should think about leaving. This should be the best bit - you've moved in, you're building your new home together. How will he behave when the roof has a major leak and you need to agree how you find money you both don't have? What will he say when you are flooded and both have to work together to deal with insurance companies and clear the mess out? How will he respond when you need to clear the attic out together because you need more space for a growing family? Or if you're ill and you can't clean and tidy the house for imminent visitors? You need to decide if you are willing to be the only person rowing the boat forever, and being battered in the back of the head by DP's oar every now and again. If you can't live that way then quite frankly it is better to decide that now than one, two, or ten years down the line. My advice is have the above conversation, if that doesn't work then work on splitting with one person buying the other one out and getting a lodger to help pay the bills.

Truly, walking on eggshells is not how you want to live your life. There will be other disagreements and it's tremendously tiring dealing with someone who can't discuss things calmly and rationally and instead speaks to you like that, perhaps behaves aggressively and gives you the silent treatment. You may think you can change him and you can make him see sense: more than likely you won't. Get out now - life is too short.

Please, I beg you, dump the motormouth, brainless baby and tell him to go back to his dummy and crayons, and that you WILL NOT put up with his childish, stupid and selfish tantrums and having you in tears.

His attitude towards you as his partner is appalling, he thinks that because you're a woman, then its 100% your job to do all the cooking and cleaning.

Tell him you're his parner not his domestic skivvy, not a slave, and just one more aggressive tantrum, you'll move out and refuse point-blank to have anything more to do with him.

This is a massive red flag; you've only been living together for a few days, and his behaviour toward you is already controlling, manipulative, frightening and extremely sexist and childish.

Shouting and tantrums one minute, fists the next.

.

Get out.

One of the (many) reasons I live alone is that nobody shouts at me in MY house, nobody makes me cry in MY house. I really don't think that it is too much to ask for.
You have paid 70% of the deposit, and are doing 90% of the work- and he talks to you like THAT???

He works four hours a day and doesn’t cook or clean AND you put in 70% of the deposit?
Well, he saw you coming didn’t he!

The problem here isn’t him not pulling his weight, it’s his reaction when he was called out on it. Gaslighting basically; turning it back on OP and making out she’s the one at fault. What a prize dickhead.

He's training you not to ask him in future. Sorry but he's not a keeper.

Little Miss Righteous is such a vile way to respond to perfectly reasonable expectations of a grown adult. He sounds like a brat whose mum has done everything for him and now he’s living with you he expects you to pick up all of the responsibility of working long hours, saving properly, cleaning etc so he can work part time and enjoy his leisure time. Selfish, petulant prat. Honestly op, I’d end it. The joint mortgage is an issue but I’ve split with an ex where we had a new mortgage. I scrimped to pay it myself for a year then sold it. I met my husband 18 months later. Don’t let fear of the unknown or selling up keep you with an absolute loser. It will get harder the longer it goes on.

Or they're at work and haven't had tine to reply considering they work 8-6.

Thank the lord you're not married.

Get legal advice and get him out

So you have paid 70% of a deposit to move in with a highly nasty, abusive, lazy gaming arsehole.

He's training you to not ask anything of you.
He's training you to accept he is a lazy arse.

You moved away from your hometown for this?

This is abuse.
He is abusing you.

You have made a huge mistake.

You need to get out of this relationship asap.

This will only get worse. I promise you. Don't waste another second of your life. Get rid while it's easy, be free and enjoy your life.

It won't have been his father washing his clothes, cleaning the house and cooking his meals though.. not with his attitude, his dad is probably also a lazy prick who let's his wife do it all.. mind you, bet his dad had a full time job.

I suspect, sadly, that OP has not come back to the thread because she is overwhelmed with all the LTB posters have quite rightly been advising. She will have thought she’d get advice on how to make him nicer to her and want to pull his weight.

OP, your bed is not yet made, you DO NOT have to lie in it.

Oh be quiet with that crap.

Im a gamer, I play most days, have done all my life at 44, but im still fully capable of running a household, doing the chores, caring for my disabled son, and feeding everyone 3 meals a day.

Gaming is a perfectly valid and fulfilling hobby. The problem is him being fucking lazy, not that he plays games.

She's his partner, not his fucking mother. He should be pulling his weight without anyone asking him, because hes meant to be an adult and knows he works less hours than her. If he's going to force her to have to ask him to act like a functioning adult, then shes likely to have a 'tone'.

Ugh, and this is after two weeks? He is showing you who he is. Preferably dump him now - it will save you time and upset later. Defo don’t marry this one or, god forbid, get pregnant by him (unless you really do want to be his mother..)

Monitor the anger and if this carries on consider whether you can tolerate this. My son clung onto a girlfriend for over a year , unhappy and perplexed. He is happier now without her .

Please, please, please listen to all this advice. You need to leave. Things will never improve. He sees you as a replacement mother and is “training” you to never ask for help or support. That is a huge burden to carry through life. Illness and children will be yours to cope with on your own, as the man child strops, games and runs off to his mothers. He will never ever self reflect, and is already blaming you for “using the wrong tone”. You need to leave