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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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Mumandcarer80 · 10/03/2026 10:37

He's a manchild. They say you never really know someone until you live with them. You should have rented before buying together. Even if you just got a six month tenancy. Has he always lived with mummy who did everything for him?

bananafake · 10/03/2026 10:34

Please don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy. Even if it will lose you money in the short term it will cost you so much more in the long term in terms of finances and your mental health to stay with this man. Get out of this relationship. I don’t say this lightly.

Get some counselling if you can’t do it without help. But please leave this abusive man. Also do the Freedom Program and ring the National Domestic Abuse helpline. Because this man is abusing you even if he’s not punching you in the face.

BloominNora · 10/03/2026 10:32

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:55

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

Oh dear - did you protect your deposit @Modernop? If not I would get an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in property purchase and ownership ASAP and discuss your options.

Can you afford to buy him out and pay the mortgage on your own? Even if it would be tight?

You could rent out a room to a lodger under the share a room scheme for £625 a month without having to pay tax: https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-scheme

I would sort out where you stand legally and financially and then have a conversation with him about how his attitude is completely unacceptable (with someone there or close by as back up if you feel unsafe - your use of the word 'rage' worried me).

If he refuses to discuss or change his ways then get rid of him because this early on that is an enormous red flag!

Buying or moving into your own first home is supposed to be a happy and exciting time - you should be bickering over paint charts and scatter cushions, not sitting in the bathroom in tears.

Rent a room in your home

Renting a room in your home out - Rent a Room Scheme, types of tenancy or licence, rent, bills, tax and ending a letting

https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-scheme

BauhausOfEliott · 10/03/2026 10:31

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

I don't think you want the same things in life, sadly.

Sgreenpy · 10/03/2026 10:30

Honestly OP, it doesn't sound as if you're at all compatible (or even were before you bought).
Id seriously look into how you're going to get out of this relationship re selling/buying him out etc. Can you afford the bills on your own?
If that is not an option then you really need to sit down with him and have a proper talk about expectations re living together, who is responsible for each chore etc
Good luck OP XX

marcyhermit · 10/03/2026 10:30

This is the absolute best this relationship is going to be.
Is this the life you want?

Labelledelune · 10/03/2026 10:26

They saying men are from Mars……. Is so true. It’s not built in most men to do cleaning etc. there is no point in us trying to feminise them. As long as they do the heavy stuff, work and DIY then I’m afraid we need to just put up with it. I’ve never heard a man saying women don’t do enough DIY around the house

ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 10/03/2026 10:19

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

Why did you buy a house with him when you already weren't working as a couple?

Cattywillow · 10/03/2026 10:13

Run

LittleMyLabyrinth · 10/03/2026 09:53

Classic DARVO. Dump him.

viques · 10/03/2026 09:52

Lucky his mum lives so close isn’t it. You can return him to the breeder, like a puppy, so she can remedy the poor initial house training she gave him.

Holdinguphalfthesky · 10/03/2026 09:44

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

He does, he avoids taking any responsibility for anything and makes you feel that everything is your problem. It’s cruel, disrespectful, and demeaning and honestly, you are
worth so much more.

I hope you find a way to either give him the shock of his life so that he pulls his socks up (unlikely, as he doesn’t respect you) or just extract yourself from the relationship and go on to live your best life without him. You do not need him or this horrible energy that he’s bringing.

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 10/03/2026 09:42

@Modernop I'm not going to WTF at you again. I'm going to say what I wish someone had said to me when I moved in with my ExH at 20 years old, and knew id made a mistake, and instead of moving back out, stayed, for 17 years because i couldn't swallow my own pride and admit it to anyone, i thought id made my bed and had to lie in it...and it NEVER got better.

Its ok to admit you made a mistake.
It CAN be undone.
It is NOT too late to change things.
You are NOT stuck in this situation.
You do not have to stay in this relationship.
You deserve Love, Respect, and to feel safe and at peace in your own home.

JJWT · 10/03/2026 09:39

Run.

Very1 · 10/03/2026 09:38

This after two weeks?? Oh he’s going to get so much worse. Borrow the money from whoever you can to buy him out and kick him out.

The13thFairy · 10/03/2026 09:37

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

Yep. He's training you not to criticise him even the teeniest tiniest bit. Pity you moved in together. Now you know what it's going to be like, I hope you have the wherewithal to move right back out again.

catscatscurrantscurrants · 10/03/2026 09:35

Sorry OP, this is another one saying 'dump him'. Your are only two weeks in at your first house and he should be on his absolute best behaviour. If this is all he's got at this stage, what is the absolute worst behaviour going to look like? Money can be regained/saved/made again, your one precious life cannot. Don't waste it on him.

itsthetea · 10/03/2026 09:34

So he was doing jobs and you were doing jobs ?

and you have different ideas of clean and tidy ?

you don’t sound compatible if that’s how you are communicating at this stage in your relationship!

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 10/03/2026 09:33

Be very brave and end it now.

Please don’t kid yourself that if you did X he’d be nicer to you. That NEVER works.

Don’t waste your life on this loser. Get out now. The money doesn’t matter and is a small price to pay for your freedom.

Seapoint2002 · 10/03/2026 09:32

I always remember reading a meme about 'least attractive hobbies a man can have' and gaming was top.

Ninerainbows · 10/03/2026 09:32

"Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago."

Why? He is a dick.

Lourdes12 · 10/03/2026 09:31

You need to sit down and decide who’s doing what and when, a rota. Nobody likes being told what to do. He’s reaction is concerning though

greenmacchiato · 10/03/2026 09:30

Oh, the tone remark! It's an infamous one, they'd always pull this one when they're uncomfortable, lazy and careless but have no arguments to back this up.
Are you sure you want to continue living with him or, better yet, being together?

WorstPaceScenario · 10/03/2026 09:27

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

Exactly this. He thought moving in together would see you transition to essentially being his mother. Nip it right in the bud immediately or get rid of him, before this becomes your life for the next 40 years. I promise it'll take less time than you think for you to adopt the "anything for a quiet life" approach and find yourself as his unpaid skivvy.

TreeDudette · 10/03/2026 09:27

Don't blame yourself. He is being deliberately awful to teach you not to ask him to do stuff in future. This one is a BAD apple and the rest of your life will be like this if you don't nip it in the bud now, preferably by dumping him.