Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

This was me 20 years ago. I tried everything - compromise, lists, talking everything through, not doing any housework and leaving everything with the hope that he would eventually do it (he didn't), even relationship counselling.

We are now separated and life in this respect is so much more peaceful and easier.

I had spent so many years feeling so confused - why would he not want to do his share? Even when I was absolutely exhausted, working, looking after young dc etc - it felt so heartbreaking that he just refused to help. I thought maybe he had some form of neurodiversity or mental health problems as I just couldn't understand how he seemed to not care.

I said to my ex just before we split up - "I just want to understand - the whole time I was trying to get us to work as a team, have a reasonably clean and tidy home - I just want to know why you never helped, even when I was begging you to" His answer was "I just didn't want to. I wanted to do what I wanted to do - not that"

That told me everything I needed to know!

OP - do not get pregnant with this man. He will not change, he will get worse. A child won’t fix it, a child will give him more power over you.

Another red flag

So sorry you find yourself in this situation @Modernop, but you're not married, and the house purchase is very new, so with a good solicitor you should be able to get most if not all of your investment back, or maybe even buy him out...just don't spend anything else on the house whilst you are, understandably, taking time to decide what to do.

I'm not long out of a long relationship with someone with similar attitudes to your BF, and I wish I'd jumped ship the first time he was nasty...you deserve a lot better love, get yourself out of there.

That's quite telling that you put down more of the deposit

Can I ask re your financial situation? Who’s the highest earner, do you both pay an equal amount into a joint account that absolutely everything comes out of?

And why is he working very part time??
You need to get legal advice ASAP I’m afraid and get rid of this obnoxious deadweight.

This is why people need to rent together first.

I hope your deposit is ringfenced. You need to break up and sell, you will lose money but better now.

You've bought a house with a misogynistic manchild OP.
I doubt he will change.

Oh, I'm sorry OP. This is awful. You've made a terrible mistake buying a house with him. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and unlikely to improve without you taking some kind of nuclear option.

Whatever you do, do not just wait for this to blow over and carry on because, if he gets away with this, he will just keep getting worse. The way he spoke and acted is totally, totally unacceptable. Did you not see any red flags before buying the house?

You might need legal advice about extricating yourself from this mess, can either of you afford to buy the other out?

You are in for a lot if pain if you don't take decisive action now.

And do leave this man. Its far better to take the hit of losing some money than it is to ruin yourself in a miserable life with a man like this. He will corrode you over time. You are in a new house and already in the bathroom crying! If you stay you will be crying in ten years, in twenty years, in thirty years, in old age. Don't become that. You have no idea how much psychological and emotional damage this man will cause you if you stay. It will be immense.

Cut your losses and sell up the house and leave now. Do not get stuck in ' 'sunken cost' thinking. Just save yourself and get out of this relationship.

Just this. All of this.

@Modernop It sounds like this is your first experience of actually living with him alone and you don't mention your ages?

Its very early stages just now and you both need to put some work in to find a way forward.

You both come from different places and in your first home together you just need to set some common expectations and boundaries. You’re both adjusting to a new dynamic. It might not be that he is inconsiderate — he might not realise the mental load as mummy did things for him and its never crossed his mind or he may prioritise differently.

You both need to agree what the standard is for your home. If you don’t align on this, resentment is inevitable. By this I mean what does clean, look like, how often, when?. By example my husband can happily ignore dust for centuries and I am fond of a "floordrobe" just in front of the laundry basket. We both know our habits are wrong and we agree that is not how we want our home to present and so we have given each other permission to nudge the other if they don't adhere to the standard we want. Personally I can live with the washing up being done on a night and being left on the draining board or in the dishwasher but others may not - so make sure you are both singing from the same songsheet on what the standard is.

Then agree who does what, when and how often. i.e. if I am working until 6 and you are home at 1, you make the tea or you do the shopping. I will sort the washing and drying, you will empty the bins, we will take equal responsibility for the garden etc. It seems a bit puerile and child like but set out expectations from the get go. Agree what "done" looks like.

And then agree how you will react if the other fails to uphold their responsibilities i.e :

• “If you leave your laundry on the floor, I won’t pick it up for you.”
• “If you say you’ll cook but don’t, I’ll sort myself out and you’ll need to handle your own meal.”
• “If chores keep slipping, we’ll need to revisit the plan because I can’t live in a constant mess.”
• "Its not my job to remind you"

A partner who won’t pull their weight is very different from one who doesn’t know how yet, that's why you need to agree what it looks like. Do this now as early patterns become long‑term patterns and after all of this if it still continues and you start feeling like his Mum, that’s a red flag worth paying attention to.
You can say this without sounding dramatic — just grounded and realistic.

He is horrible.

Read 7 principles of a successful marriage by Gottman. it will help you understand this relationship ( and why its doomed) and give you the knowledge to avoid getting into another relationship like it.

This is emotional abuse. It won’t get better and will likely get worse. Speak to your solicitor privately first and leave this bully.

This,

and I say this as one of the women on the relationships board who is miserable and having to spend a fortune trying to divorce the useless cunt. If I could say one thing to save you from what I've been through it is that He. Will. Not. Change. You might twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make him happy and it will never be enough. Look up deflection as emotional abuse and think about how many times he has used that in an argument or discussion with you. Make notes of this and you will notice a pattern of behaviour. You will be better of alone than with someone who does not make you happy.

I agree with the above

I'm worried for you OP because

"I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. "

So you already know that his sulking and mean behaviour will continue for the next few days...

He's done this before then as you know what to expect. It works, so he will do it again and the bigger the issue, the more he will use this approach.

The "Little Miss Righteous" comment is so crap.. and he uses it to shut you up and shut you down.. its his way of triumphing over you by name calling in a way that you can't defend becuase its such a dumb stupid phrase anyway and trying to argue with it will make you seem petty (I'm making assumptions here) ... So anyway. Don't argue it.. just say on repeat "Stop sidelining with name calling." "Its a stupid name, stop calling me that." This does side track the topic under discussion but he's acting like a school bully here.

Looking at this comment.. he's accusing you of being priggishly righteous.. that sounds like this is his defence when you call out his bad behaviour... his behaviour doesn't matter because you have the flaw of being righteous... Well maybe you are right!! He's also implying that you are childish ie he's the mature adult. Well sorry he really doesn't sound like it.

Even if you want to work through things. I think you should privately see a solicitor to ask what your legal rights are just so you know what they are. because

1. You paid 70 per cent of the deposit.
2. You facilitated his move out of his mothers.
3. He's now sitting pretty with a 50 per cent share of the house?
4. He sounds like his income is very variable - are you paying more of the bills?
5. He expects you to be his unpaid housekeeper.
6. While you were saving for your new home - he was out spending his money on nights out... so you've effectively financed more than 70 per cent. You asked him not to because it was really important to you to find a home - he decided that you could make all the sacrifices because he wasn't bothered enough to make the effort.

Please do not

• marry him.
• have children with him
• borrow any more money for work on the house - you will never see it again. Keep records and reciepts of everything you have paid for.
• continue to subsidise him - he will get so used to it.

You now have two choices as far as I can see.

1. Get some help to bolster your assertiveness techniques and learn to manage him better so that he doesn't financially and emotionally ruin you... but consider whether you really have a future building a life with someone who is so selfish and unco-operative -

2. or to navigate how to get out of this arrangement and cut your losses as painlessly as possible @bananafake had some good advice on where to get help. Find out some info whilst he's still sulking and know your rights.

Sorry OP.

I'd get out now and cut my losses. See it as an (expensive) lesson learned. There's absolutely no way he will change so you can pay for this now financially and get out with a moderate amount of stress or you can pay for it later financially, emotionally, physically (stress is very damaging).

Well that escalated quickly. Have you lived together before?!

Whatever you lose money wise by leaving him now is far better than all the emotional damage this lad is going to cause you if you stay with him.

Maybe he can change, but he is going to have to do a lot of maturing from a very low starting point.

Value yourself, trust yourself, move on. Have a grown up conversation with him and if he doesn’t get it you have permission to say ‘nope, this isn’t working for me after all, thanks and bye’. It’s ok to make a mistake, don’t make a bigger one thinking you have to stick with it.

I’d move out if I were you, life’s too short to start house retraining this child bf; the way his own mother should have.

Fuck that. You are obviously not being unreasonable. If he’s acting like that during the honeymoon period, how will he be further down the line?!

She posted at 9:55 last night and says she works 8 - 6. She's probably just working after crashing out last night!

I hope she's OK

Nice of you to come all the way back into the twenty-first century to enlighten us, @Labelledelune, but, although, yes, the division of labour in households and the disproportionate loads women have to take on is still an issue, my former place of work changed cleaning companies, who used mostly male cleaners who revolutionized the place, competent, professional, and leaving the place immaculate. Unlike the stroppy and indifferent female cleaners we had previous. My late partner just acknowledged the cleaning had to be done and got on with the not too difficult or complex business of taking a brush, sponge and cleaning product into his two hands and giving the bathroom a good scrub down while I got on with the kitchen. As have the male partners of my friends who had a designated allocation of cleaning tasks at a set time of the week, agreed in an adult way beforehand, just as a normal part of running a normal household.

OP's not coming back, is she? ☹️

What absolute sexist bollocks - DH and I bought our own place at 19 - he was used to his mom doing everything for him but he has always pulled his weight in terms of cleaning and cooking and I have done my fair share of DIY and gardening! In fact he does all of the cooking these days and most of the laundry.

He hasn't been even remotely feminised - in fact he is very secure in his masculinity - much more so than all the Andrew Tait types who seem to think that picking up a duster will somehow cause them to become a woman!

We see each other as equals and he does not subscribe to gender stereotypical bullshit of some jobs being feminine and some masculine and he has no pride issues about me being the higher earner.

There are only two 'jobs' that are 100% feminine - carry a child through pregnancy and breastfeeding. There is no other household task that is made harder or impossible because someone has a penis!

The only reason it is 'built' into most men is because that is how their parents have raised them - it has absolutely nothing to do with biology.