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AIBU?

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Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Aluna · 10/03/2026 15:05

Labelledelune · 10/03/2026 15:01

Which they are.

And so is she. Oppressed more like.

Aluna · 10/03/2026 15:04

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:55

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

Can you afford to buy out his 30% and cover the mortage?

Labelledelune · 10/03/2026 15:01

nomas · 10/03/2026 13:18

Ironically this poster is on another thread saying Muslim women are repressed.

Which they are.

ViciousCurrentBun · 10/03/2026 14:27

Well having spent too much time thinking about you when I did my food shopping I will hazard a guess that this man would become much worse if you got pregnant. I worked with DV survivors for a while through voluntary work and it’s a common pattern.

You have one life op, we all make some mistakes along the way and have to live with them but this has the makings of a situation that would dictate an awful pattern for your whole life.

OneFineDay22 · 10/03/2026 14:11

So sorry OP, but this man is abusive. Belittling you for asking him to help out, giving you the silent treatment because you dared to call him out on the fact he wasn’t pulling his weight. Please ignore all the posters who are essentially blaming you for having chosen him and/or not seeing your own value. I’m not sure how they ever think it’s going to help, or if it’s just something they do to make themselves sound better than you, but it’s potentially just as damaging as what your boyfriend is doing. You don’t need to blame yourself. He is the bad guy here and I would do whatever it takes to get away from him!

ddiissoobbeeddiieennttwoman · 10/03/2026 14:07

Leave.

Sneakyshite · 10/03/2026 13:40

Please, please, please, get out, I'm too old now and worn down to change my life, but you're not, (I could be wrong but you sound young) he's a horrible controlling twat, who's training you up to behave, get the fuck out now.
It's like the boiling frog analogy otherwise, you don't realise you're being manipulated and controlled because you're being fed it in small increments, and gaslit to make you feel mad, until eventually you comply and behave, if I saw my daughter in this situation I'd go ballistic, and I wish my own mother had helped me, but to all intents it can look normal, just little arguments etc., it's not op, get out, lock up push the key through and piss off back to a nice life and future with you and only you in control.

Abcdefg1234567abcdefg · 10/03/2026 13:27

@Modernop please listen to people telling you to leave this man.
Him not doing his equal and fair share is bad enough. I've seen friends deal with this. If he won't do his share around the house, he certainly won't do his share if you have children together.
BUT, what struck me even more than that is how abusive and aggressive this man sounds. This is a clear red flag. As someone who has left an abusive marriage and experienced similar to you when we bought a house together, please leave. It does not get better. The abusive and agression get worse! Don't live your life walking on egg shells!
We bought a house at the end of 2007. The housing crisis and financial crisis happened soon after that. I realised I was in an extremely toxic environment but I felt I couldn't leave because we were then going to be in negative equity and I believed who would change especially if I allowed him to do what he wanted to avoid arguments. 20 years later, I can honestly say I wish I'd left and sold the house.
It might feel hard at the moment, but when someone shows you who they are, believe them!
The swearing at you and throwing things around is not normal behaviour. It's a sign of things to come.
Wishing you the best of luck x

Whyherewego · 10/03/2026 13:22

So OP i hope you've ring fenced your deposit and ensured finances are generally clearly divided.
Assuming you want to stay with this man (not sure I would but anyway), you need tonhave a proper grown up conversation with him to say "if we are to stay together then we need to reset a bit about what it takes to run a household. There are household tasks that are one offs (putting a lamp up) and there are regular tasks (laundry, cleaning). I want to live in a clean and tidy house and I assume you do to. So we need to divide the regular tasks and you need to do your fair share and I dont want to nag you or be accused of being self righteous. So what works for you to ensure that we split the household tasks fairly? How do you see this working?"

YowieeF · 10/03/2026 13:21

You have an adult baby, either you accept it, or you dump him. He isn’t capable of change, it’s not in his DNA and I’m guessing his mum did everything for him.

nomas · 10/03/2026 13:18

Labelledelune · 10/03/2026 10:26

They saying men are from Mars……. Is so true. It’s not built in most men to do cleaning etc. there is no point in us trying to feminise them. As long as they do the heavy stuff, work and DIY then I’m afraid we need to just put up with it. I’ve never heard a man saying women don’t do enough DIY around the house

Ironically this poster is on another thread saying Muslim women are repressed.

viques · 10/03/2026 13:16

Labelledelune · 10/03/2026 10:26

They saying men are from Mars……. Is so true. It’s not built in most men to do cleaning etc. there is no point in us trying to feminise them. As long as they do the heavy stuff, work and DIY then I’m afraid we need to just put up with it. I’ve never heard a man saying women don’t do enough DIY around the house

Putting up a bathroom shelf . Once

Washing up . 365 times a year.

Yes, very equitable tasks.

JH0404 · 10/03/2026 13:02

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 10/03/2026 08:25

Oh be quiet with that crap.

Im a gamer, I play most days, have done all my life at 44, but im still fully capable of running a household, doing the chores, caring for my disabled son, and feeding everyone 3 meals a day.

Gaming is a perfectly valid and fulfilling hobby. The problem is him being fucking lazy, not that he plays games.

I can’t relate, my hobbies are outdoor and animal focused. I think it’s weird and a waste of time. We aren’t going to see eye so there’s no point in discussing further. Good luck with the gaming ✌️

YourWildAmberSloth · 10/03/2026 12:57

You are not married and there are no children - honestly, and I don't say this lightly, but I would be walking away. Sell the house or buy him out. It is too much, too toxic and aggressive too soon. It sounds like the start of an abusive relationship, he's already training you how to behave - i.e. not to ask him for anything, I also suspect that he resents you or something about you - the little miss perfect comment speaks volumes. I think you will probably stay with him, but I really hope that you don't - because it won't end well.

Epidote · 10/03/2026 12:55

Leave him now

BurnoutGP · 10/03/2026 12:53

Do not under any circumstances have a baby with this man

Mangelwurzelfortea · 10/03/2026 12:50

I know you've just bought a house with this man and uprooted yourself across the country to be with him and also put in 70% of the deposit - but doesn't that alone worry you? You're the one making all the effort, and it's clear he expects this to carry on in your day-to-day lives, too. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of being his maid, cook and sexbot who also pays all the bills if you stay with him. Honestly, you really should think about extricating yourself from this.

MrsF1 · 10/03/2026 12:35

This sounds an awful situation for you, and like others have said, is likely to escalate. Regarding you paying 70% of the deposit, I hope your solicitor advised you to complete a Deed of Trust which defines financial ownerships and interests in a property?

FordExplorer · 10/03/2026 12:33

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

This

MrsSlocombesCat · 10/03/2026 12:33

You've moved from where you lived to buy a house there and now he's calling the shots in the house too. This isn't going to work out, sadly. Send him back to his mum, put the house up for sale and live happily on your own until the right man does or doesn't come along.

oldtiredcyclist · 10/03/2026 12:31

First of all, very sorry to hear this, his behaviour is unforgivable. The only positive is, that it has happened so early in the relationship. so you don't have to endure months or years of it. Please take the advice of people on here.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/03/2026 12:27

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

If he is behaving this badly only two weeks after you move in together, @Modernop, things are only going to get worse.

Do you want the rest of your life to be like this or worse?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/03/2026 12:23

Your "tone" was entirely justified and your post second guessing yourself makes me want to weep. He is gaslighting you to the point that you already think you are being unreasonable.

If you put down 70% of the deposit I hope you protected it. If you didn't then you a) need to go back to a solicitor to see what will happen if you split quickly versus a few years for now. and b) what a retrospective agreement would look like assuming he would even sign it.

Please watch your birth control, this is not a man that has your back.

EmbroideredGardener · 10/03/2026 12:22

Run

edithpi · 10/03/2026 12:06

This is classic weaponised incompetence.

He is ensuring he continues to do nothing by causing distress to you for pulling him up.

If I was you I would sadly cut my loses and ask him to move out. get a platonic flat mate to cover the bills if you need to and give him the deposit he paid back.

Get him out this will not improve.