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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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KaleQueen · 10/03/2026 18:21

My angry abusive ex was also ex army. The similarities are shocking. He eventually turned very nasty and i seriously thought he could have killed me one day - I once said this to him. He said ‘I could yes but I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t do time for something as worthless as you’
Honestly so many alarm bells. Please seriously take the advice you’re being given here by wise and experienced women.

DeQuin · 10/03/2026 18:21

Selling the house is not an overreaction. Have a read of the relationships board. You will be able to own property but this man will drain you financially and emotionally or worse. Sending a hand hold.

Original poster
Modernop · 10/03/2026 18:18

Have been working sorry. To answer a few questions:

  1. deposit is not ringed fenced
  2. I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
  3. I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
  4. he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do. I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
  5. he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
  6. there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling
  7. he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after

I’m really sad, and I feel stuck. The “little miss righteous” comment hits a nerve so much, because I’m not trying to be right, I’m trying to ask for support. He sure this often whenever I point anything out. Even if I say “please don’t shout” he’ll say it. It’s so hurtful. Along with “queen of everyone beneath her” and “lady modernop”.

im not far from friends and family but i have noone here. If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

OP posts:
KatyKopykat · 10/03/2026 17:56

edithpi · 10/03/2026 16:15

Little Miss Righteous

Unpick that phrase because it’s all about him.

'Little' meaning he’s bigger than you and more important
‘Miss' meaning you have the status of a girl and he is the Man
‘Righteous' because he can’t take criticism so it must be you being overbearing

Even Mr Men books were sexist in this sense.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 10/03/2026 17:50

LTB.

KirstieKaren · 10/03/2026 17:44

It won’t get better OP. Two weeks in you’re supposed to be in a little new home bubble. If he can behave like this now I dread to think what he’ll be like further down the road

halftermhalfawake · 10/03/2026 17:40

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 10/03/2026 08:05

You did nothing wrong. In my experience though, if you wait until you are calm, he is ready to talk and give guys notice to do these things you might get a better response. Guys generally need time to do stuff/change their habits. Most of them are very sensitive to criticism from women too and for them they think it comes out of the blue (it doesn't). They actually want women to be happy and get upset/angry when they're not or if they're not expecting sudden criticism. It feels like an attack. If the guy loves you he will take what you're saying seriously when you talk to him about it and make changes

what in the patriarchy is this

no one gives women notice, we just get on with stuff, because we have eyes and can tell the time, we know that the dinner/laundry/chores need to be done, no one waits for us to be in a good mood, in fact no one gives a shit unless we're being assertive and then we get labelled difficult,

Men get angry when women are unhappy, or sudden criticism (!) . Riiiiight. So that's fine then.

BaffledAndBemusedToo · 10/03/2026 17:02

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

This. Very much this.

Enrichetta · 10/03/2026 16:31

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 10/03/2026 08:05

You did nothing wrong. In my experience though, if you wait until you are calm, he is ready to talk and give guys notice to do these things you might get a better response. Guys generally need time to do stuff/change their habits. Most of them are very sensitive to criticism from women too and for them they think it comes out of the blue (it doesn't). They actually want women to be happy and get upset/angry when they're not or if they're not expecting sudden criticism. It feels like an attack. If the guy loves you he will take what you're saying seriously when you talk to him about it and make changes

😳

pinkyredrose · 10/03/2026 16:28

Why did you buy a house with someone that hates you? Did you ring-fence your deposit?

Greyhound98 · 10/03/2026 16:27

I sincerely hope you have protected your larger deposit.
don’t have a baby with him. He won’t suddenly have an epiphany and became an equal player with a pleasant nature.
Start making an exit plan, even if it means a financial loss.

DreamTheMoors · 10/03/2026 16:23

EmuEscapeeeee · 10/03/2026 16:14

Why are you only having a 15 minute lunch break ?

Do you not have 30 minutes or 1 hour

What hours do you work ?

It takes me 20 minutes just to decide what to take a bite of first:
My sandwich, my crisps or my dessert.

I’m so stressed out lately that I go straight for my dessert.

Sue me.
(Although I DO love a salty crisp on a stressful day…)

GiantTeddyIsTired · 10/03/2026 16:21

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

100%

He thinks he as you trapped now, so he'll ramp up.

Ponderingwindow · 10/03/2026 16:20

This should be the honeymoon period. Maybe a little spat as you learn to merge your lives, but you should not be on your best behavior still. If this is him at his best, imagine what your life is going to be like in 5 or 10 years, possibly with a baby added to the mix.

edithpi · 10/03/2026 16:15

Little Miss Righteous

Unpick that phrase because it’s all about him.

'Little' meaning he’s bigger than you and more important
‘Miss' meaning you have the status of a girl and he is the Man
‘Righteous' because he can’t take criticism so it must be you being overbearing

EmuEscapeeeee · 10/03/2026 16:14

Why are you only having a 15 minute lunch break ?

Do you not have 30 minutes or 1 hour

What hours do you work ?

DreamTheMoors · 10/03/2026 16:14

OriginalUsername2 · 09/03/2026 23:38

Little tantruming shit Is right. That should be OP’s version of Little Miss righteous to throw back at him.

Seriously though, this is bad, he’s rotten at the core. This won’t get better.

Edited
Show quote history

At the risk of appearing like the “mutual approval team” with OriginalUsername2 - and I DO agree with EVERYTHING she’s said, one thing stands out:

”This won’t get better.”

Truer words have never been spoken, @Modernop and I hope you’re listening.
I truly hope you’re listening.

Sending love from across an ocean ❤️

thetinsoldier · 10/03/2026 16:08

PS his behaviour - sulking for days - is coercively controlling, and illegal.

thetinsoldier · 10/03/2026 16:06

Zucker · 10/03/2026 15:24

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.
Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.
When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.

For a start stop being "mum" in the house. Fancy something to eat make it for yourself. Need clean clothes , wash your own. You're not his mother, stop being mummy. Pile his shite in the corner, live with the mess until he cops the fuck on. Somehow you've been trained to be housewife and you need to untrain yourself.

This.

thetinsoldier · 10/03/2026 16:05

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

What’s good about him/the relationship?

Do you think it’s a good idea moving in with someone who always calls you little miss righteous?? He sounds like a selfish, lazy, immature man-baby.

Does he usually do 50% of the household chores and cooking?

Why doesn’t he work FT?

i really hope you have your deposit ring-fenced.

PrettyPickle · 10/03/2026 15:55

@Modernop This is not irretrievable OP although I totally get why you are upset. No matter how ready you both felt about this move, its always way more challenging than you expect.....and that is the thing, its about expectations.

You can't assume what each others expectations are on a level playing field, you need to ask. You are tellling him off for having different priorities to you and he feels got at and feels you are being unfair. Maybe your partner has way underestimated the responsibilities of being a homeowner, or maybe he is just lazy. How do you know?

What you need to do is lay out the boundaries, you are his partner, you SHARE responsibilities, you are not his Mommy! There will be things you do or don't do that will annoy him too. These are new challenges you only face when living on your own together as previously there were other persons involved.

Take a deep breath, have a think about what you want it to look like and ask him to do the same and come up with a plan, TOGETHER, with mutually agreed outcomes. See this as a joint endeavour for the sake of each other, not to score points.

If he then still continues to avoid it, you have a very valid argument as he did agree to it and THEN we can talk about red flags etc. At the moment you both seem to have different expectations and that is where you need to begin to find a resolution - align expectations as its a win/win for you both and then there are no misunderstandings.

Can I also ask are you joint tenants or tenants in common, as it sounds like you are taking the main financial hit here and you need to protect yourself.

Luckyingame · 10/03/2026 15:51

I say this once, and I mean it wholeheartedly.

You would have such a great life being single.

Zucker · 10/03/2026 15:24

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.
Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.
When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.

For a start stop being "mum" in the house. Fancy something to eat make it for yourself. Need clean clothes , wash your own. You're not his mother, stop being mummy. Pile his shite in the corner, live with the mess until he cops the fuck on. Somehow you've been trained to be housewife and you need to untrain yourself.

Favory · 10/03/2026 15:18

I hope your deposit is protected properly. Don't plan the future with him, look at how quickly you can get out of this relationship and the financial situation you're in. He won't change, he's very clearly told you who he is, an unpleasant shirker who can't cope without his mummy.

Labelledelune · 10/03/2026 15:11

Aluna · 10/03/2026 15:05

And so is she. Oppressed more like.

Show quote history

They are not allowed to show their feelings or emotions so yes repressed