Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

Can you afford to take over the mortgage completely? I guess there's no equity yet.

Remember if you took it over you'd jointly save a few thousand on selling costs so in theory he'd be better off too then selling up.

I'd buy him out and pack his bags. He's not good enough for you.

My first husband (who was a carbon copy of the OP's guy) said he cheated because I was getting too "womans' libist".
Translation = I spoke up and said I was fed-up with being treated like a "sexual housekeeper" and wanted him to do more about the house and to be more supportive.

I divorced him and next time picked a better model....

@Modernop

you're not giving up on something small, you'd be making a decision that protects future you

the pattern is that it's been increasing over the time you've known each other- now he thinks you are "his" he's showing who he really is

counselling doesn't help in these situations. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

Whatever it takes you to get out now, it's cheaper than staying for months/years/decades; google the Sunk Cost Fallacy

You could lose a lot more than money op

You really don’t have to put up with this nasty behaviour. Don't wreck your life.
There will be someone else out there, should you wish.
Get legal advice, tell him to go home & enjoy life!

I'm guessing that he has already got the OP to a state where she's doubting that she can do it all on her own again, and highly doubt that she will do the sensible thing, in spite of all of us advising her to leave him NOW. It's sad, but generally we all seem to have to learn from our own mistakes, and it won't be until she's had a child, and is tied to him for the rest of her life (or at minimum 18 years), that she will realise we were right, and that she could have saved herself and her child, an awful lot of heartache, if only she'd acted when she first posted on Mumsnet!!.

All very well for people to insist that the OP end the relationship and sell the house but she's not about to do that so it's pointless to keep saying it.

OP a lot of men still have a sense of entitlement over women. They think they're owed a happy little housemaid who is delighted with and grateful about whatever he chooses to offer in terms of household maintenance, even if it's precious little. These stupid creatures don't realise they are selfish, sexist and inadequate. They think women are trying to crush them by having any expectations of them at all...hence his unattractive mantrum.

God knows what I'd advise. I know you're not going to see him off at the moment. Personally I'd be less concerned about the housework and more about the anger. Angry men make very poor partners. Good luck with him.

As someone who has been managing an angry man for the past 17 years, I highly encourage you to leave his relationship, even if it means you lose money.

Time for him to move back to his Mums and you need to seek legal advise asap before he has pays any more into the house.
I’m really surprised no one suggested ring fencing your deposit ☹️
The fact he is being verbally abusive by name calling, throwing things around and not helping is awful. People are usually on their best behaviour at that start of something new, he sounds like an idiot who is liable to take full advantage of you, please don’t have children with him and get out before you get anymore tangled up.
He himself has said he’s an angry person who needs therapy, he needs to be on his own to work on his issues, not drag you down as well.

I really wish more women would leave at this point, but many don’t. You aren’t married and don’t have any children together, you need to sell the house and get away from this loser.

Is he 50/50 on the deeds of the house or just the proportion that he contributed e.g. 70/30, the lower figure being his % contribution? Do you know what title it's held under, e.g. joint tenants or tenants in common?

These are just issues that you will need for independent legal advice when (not if) you seek that out very soon, right?

Op put of interest how long were you together before you moved to his town? Was he all sweetness and light.

Op of course he’s telling you what you should put in to save himself money. Op you said he said your blessed and lucky sorry how is this when you worked constantly over lockdown and saved hard. I agree with others he will break you get you so low you won’t have the bottle to get out. He won’t see a counsellor he’s telling you what you want to hear. I take it he put 30% deposit he won’t change so you will have to if you want to stay and keep him happy. He’s a loser.

I appreciate you not wanting to sell the house but he is only going to get worse from here. The sooner you do it, the easier (relatively speaking) it will be and the easier to reclaim your share of the deposit. As other posters have said, he clearly (and no doubt rightly) thinks you are better than him and he resents the hell out of it. He will chip chip chip chip chip away at your self worth until he thinks you are at your rightful level, which will be well beneath him and he will STILL resent you for ever have been above him in the first place. Been there, done that and can now spot it a mile off 😪

It's not an overreaction. Quite frankly. You've fucked up getting in this with him.

Good men do not throw things. This is abuse. Right? Clear as day, abuse. It's one of the things they ask you about when assessing how abused you are (there's a literal questionnaire and you score points that tells you how.abused you are- very similar to the autism assessments.)

The worst thing you could do is give this man years of your life. MORE money. Tie yourself to him with children.

This will be a financial hit. See if he will be bought out. If not. You will have to sell the house and he will take alot of your money. Not ringfencing your deposit was a bad move. Paying more of the mortgsge when you're joint owners is a bad move. But the longer you stay the more he costs you. You sound young. You'll bounce back. It'll suck for a while but.youll be much better off in the long run.

I'm in my 30s, I left my ex of 10 years with not a penny, no job, no home. 3 years later I'm fine and buying a house. You'll be fine. Not.if you stay though.

Please, please take the advice you've been given here and get away from him. This will never get better.
You've learned a horrible lesson here about not ring fencing the deposit, but you definitely can move on from this and do a lot better than him.

I have to agree.
It sounds like your bf doesnt even like you, let alone love or respect you.
Talk to him and ask him to leave.
Get ALL of your deposit back (although it may be tricky) actually i cant understand why your solicitor didn't suggest the extra paperwork.
Sell the house and buy one just for you x

deposit is not ringed fenced
oh dear, why not ?! Did your solicitor not give you any advice ?

I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
oh dear oh dear oh dear you found yourself a cock lodger

I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”

no that is not blessed or lucky, that was the result of hard work
did you never call him out on his language to you

he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do.
how hard did he try ?
is he still trying
or did he make up his mind early he was going to be a cock lodger !

I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
ha ! of course he does !

he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50)
I bet he did !
but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
and is that happening ? or are you still to find out as you only moved in a couple of weeks ago

there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling

when is he starting the counselling ?!!!
or is it just an excuse

he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after
so he knows how to ( cook ? ) sew / clean shoes / iron clothes etc. so I hope he does it now ?!

' We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home. '

why didn't you buy a property by yourself ?
you didn't need him to do so !

What are you going to do now ?

He sounds abusive and manipulative.

I genuinely think the best thing you can do, is get some paid for legal advice. It’s so recent, you’ll have receipts for everything. I think not all hope is lost in terms of unpicking this.
He’s not going to get better. This is as good as it gets. We all make mistakes. Is this an expensive one? Maybe. But better now than in the future.

Seriously, he’s showing you who he is and what life will be like living with him. Life is way too short to put up with a partner like that. He sounds like a child.

You would absolutely not be over reacting. This man has all the hallmarks of an abuser!

It is positive that he has recognised that he needs counselling- the question is whether he will follow through and actually go.

Please go and see a solicitor to see if you can get your deposit ringfenced and speak to your mortgage company about whether you could buy him out and take on the full mortgage.

When you have all of the facts sit him down and lay it out. Either he sorts his attitude out and goes for counselling or you split and you either buy him out or sell the place.

If the solicitor says you can get your deposit protected, do that, regardless of whether he agrees to get his act together.

And stop doing anything for him - he can do his own bloody washing, cooking and shopping!

Do your future self a favour and sell the house. If you do it as quickly as possible you should be able to get the equity you put in back as you will be able to clearly show what you put in. He might try to push back but a clear solicitors letter will put him back in his box. It will be harder to argue this if you don’t act quickly.

Don’t stress about feeling a failure or what other people will say. It’s your life and you o only get the one. Don’t waste it on someone like you BF.

The fact you are upset and trying to justify what was a very reasonable request (do your share) is telling me you need to get out now. He is already under your skin making you feel like you are in the wrong. He is manipulative and he knows how to make you feel bad. And he has done so.

Please leave him.

Cut your losses, see a solicitor while all the paperwork is still fresh, get as much of your deposit back as you can and move on from this abusive, spoiled man-child. Before he starts hitting you

Edited to add: from the things he's said, it is obvious that he despises you. I am so very sorry.

He thinks you think you’re better than him. He will systematically tear you down until he’s sure your self esteem is broken. It’s symptom of his lo self worth.

I am sorry OP. This won’t end well and at least he will steal half of your deposit.