Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

I’m sorry OP but he’s a horrible man who’s using you for a meal ticket and a household servant. Any normal person who’d finished work at 1 would think it was their job to at least offer to get food in and cook. My partner and I had the odd argument about this stuff when we moved in together. He didn’t say I was Little Miss Righteous he said ok I see what you mean, and got on with cooking when he was finishing work early and I was late.

I know you’ll feel you’ve sunk a lot of money and time into this relationship but honestly the less time you spend with him the less time you’re wasting. He’s not going to get any nicer unfortunately. I’m so sorry.

Selling the house right now will be worth every penny to not be trapped with a man accelerating into regular domestic abuse.

I think this is going to cost you money to sort out - but it will be money well spent.

Can't believe a solicitor let you go ahead without ring-fencing your deposit. Do you have an agreement for how much of the house you both own, eg 50:50.

I strongly urge you to make an appointment with the solicitor and ask him the following -
a) who owns what %age of the house
b) can they draw up an agreement on ownership split at this stage

You need to seriously think about breaking up sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it, the more you will have to spend to buy him out.

can you afford the mortgage by yourself ?

Would your lender let you move in a lodger ?

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, and you've had some frank and honest advice here which must be a bit of a shock. But this man has moved from boyfriend to aggressive cocklodger at a rapid pace. The next think he'll be resigning from his job to make a go of the 'freelancing' - get your break up in fast and hard.

Lesson for all couples moving in together - rent first, put in same amount of deposit or ring fence yours. Get a legal agreement drawn up which states share of property.

You say that if you sold the house ‘over this’ you’d be overreacting. If it were a one off comment in a stressful moment I’d agree. But it’s not, he has worked out over time how to push your buttons to hurt you and belittle you. It’s not a one off and it’s likely to increase in frequency now. Over time that will have the potential to wear you down so that you accept it. If you stay just be aware of that.

And I would say it’s not just ‘over this’ he is using you to pull in the savings and earnings to make it all happen while he works part time and contributes less and treats you like a skivvy. You’re not lucky, you’re a grafter. You will spend the rest of your life paying for all the extras while he puts in a half shift and leaves the house like a tip, and gets 50% of the benefit.

Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant.

I appreciate that 2 weeks in to a house purchase you don’t want to throw a bomb in the middle of it, but I’d recommend that if you stick it out over the coming weeks or months you develop objectivity when he kicks off or acts lazy. If a friend were in this situation- what would you advise them? When he’s out of order try not to react but try to work out why he is behaving as he is. He has anger issues - bet he can control them in public and at work…but not with you…why is that? Try to confide in someone in real life too, don’t suffer in silence.

@Modernop selling the house wouldn't be overreacting. If this is how you're living in the new home honeymoon period, imagine what life will be like for you 5, 10, 20 years down the line. In fact, you don't have to imagine, just spend a day reading some of the heartbreaking threads on here.

@everypageisempty it's not ring-fenced, no.

Decent men don’t behave like this. At all. Get him out of there and buy him out of the house as soon as you can.

He's treating you like shit.
How badly do you have to be treated before its too much?
Walk away.
Its better than living with someone who clearly loathes you.

Dear God, I hope you ringfenced your 70% contribution!!

Please reconsider your relationship. Don't let the fact you (stupidly) bought a house with this arsehole convince you to stay. Cut your losses now.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? And is it worth the aggro?

If you don’t leave now OP he will destroy your life.

He does not need counselling to control his anger. He is completely in control of it. And is using it to control you.

Read “ Why does he do that” a book by Lundy Bancroft”. You will see him in there.

Cut your losses.

Yep, bin him off. Proper grown up adult men are happy to do their part and would not speak to you like that. Life is too short - and you will regret sticking around in 30 years time when he still talks to you like shit!

You need to end this asap, OP. It won't get better. It will only get worse and more frightening and more difficult to leave.

He is showing you who he is. Betting that you'll feel unable to do anything about it.

Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Working harder than him, paying for more than your share, not being able to rely on him, too scared to say anything, living in fear of the next rage or worse? Because if not, you can walk away now. See a solicitor, sell the house, get as much of your money back as you can, and move on.

Dump him. He is a loser. I would hope, despite sorry your foolishness, that because this is such a new deal, you are able to get your proper % of deposit back. Please take legal advice.

I would try to buy him out and get a lodger to help with mortgage.

If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

Overreacting?!!! Surely you can see that this relationship isn’t going to work, not now, not ever.

The longer you delay, the greater the chance that you’ll lose at least part of the extra 30% deposit you put up. PLEASE seek legal advice NOW.

If you want your own home,buy it either alone or with someone who is worthy of being your life partner - not this cocklodging AH loser who is financially and emotionally abusing you.

The person you sleep beside is someone you should feel completely safe with. Someone who cares about you, supports you and encourages you.

This is not a relationship that's going to fix itself. He resents your success and wants to bring you down. He's going to destroy your self-esteem. Unfortunately you can't fix this, and he doesn't want to. The sooner you face the reality, the better. Talk to a solicitor. Look after yourself.

And talk to someone in real life - family or friends. If he hasn't already started driving a wedge between your other relationships, he will soon. Others may have already started backing away. Let them know you are waking up. Ask their opinion. Ask for help.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP.

The (wise, experienced) vipers are in unison on this.

He is not a good man, you deserve so much more. You really must cut your losses and get out.

You sound really sensible, resilient and hard-working. You will bounce back and one day look back on this as a lucky escape.

Keep posting for support. We've got you.

Is his name on the deeds?

I would buy the cocklodger out too - you deserve so much better.

"highly doubt that she will do the sensible thing, in spite of all of us advising her to leave him NOW"

Tell us about an occasion when you uprooted your entire life...your home, your relationship, your job, on the word of unqualified strangers.

You don't get to be chippy about the OP failing to post from the M6 as she makes her immediate getaway, suitcases on the roof rack.
You don't get to decide whether she's sensible or not. This is her lived, real-time life. YOU be sensible.

@Modernop I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation, it must be really sad and stressful for you.

There is loads of good advice on this thread, not one single person has stood up for your boyfriend - think about that.

He doesn't love you or care about your feelings, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't even like you. And he's such a poor specimen of a man that he has to put you down and score points over you to make himself feel big.

He isn't pulling his weight financially, and he isn't doing his share of work around the house. He's got you just where he wants you, using YOUR hard-earned money to provide him with a house and subsidise his part time lifestyle.

At some point you need to acknowledge that you have made a mistake, rectify it and move on. And the longer you leave it it will just get harder (and more expensive).

Good luck!

He works 20 hrs? I’d suggest he finds another job & stops being so precious, plenty do jobs they weren’t trained to do.
All that aside he sounds horrible and why oh why didn’t you ring fence, he could get £35k of your very hard earned £

@Modernop i stayed way too long in not one but TWO abusive relationships. Don’t be me. Please heed the advice being offered on here, this man will not change for the better, but he might well get a lot worse.

. A fantastic book is Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft, it will explain a lot to you if you read it.

Please see a solicitor, check your options. Don’t get pregnant by this man. He doesn’t mean well.

Op don't despair, yes you have clearly made a mistake so now resolve to get rid. The next time he screams and shouts at you, report to the police that you are fearful of him hurting you.

Get it recorded as abuse and I believe then free legal aid advice would be available to you but check on that.

You need to start planning to end this relationship before he completely undermines your confidence.
Don't leave it.
He's told you who he is so believe him.

You can own this house alone, just take in a lodger or extend the mortgage time period. 💐

Also on a practical level. Start recording (not literally pressing record, but there are apps for that if you wished) dates of these incidents. You can get orders to protect you in the home, while you get your ducks in a row and get out as much of your funds as you put in.

If you don't go through the legal route he could weaponise this as a route to stay in the home and exploit the situation or grind you down further

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/housing/staying-safely-in-your-home/

the above link is a good start, refuge has a web chat facility

I would reach out to someone you trust IRL. And put your documents in their house x