Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

He is not good enough. He’s not good enough to be a boyfriend. He’s not good enough to live with. He’s certainly not good enough to buy a house with. And when you tell him that your time living together is coming to an end, and he asks you why, I hope you tell him that he’s not good enough for you.

You aren’t any of the things that he’s calling you. He’s training you not to ask him to do anything. He’ll snap and shout and sulk until you just stop asking him and do it yourself because it’s easier than coping with his tantrums. What level of contempt and manipulation do you have to have inside you to intentionally treat someone you’re supposed to love, like that?

Rip the plaster off quickly.

You do not deserve this.
LTB, as the others have said.
See a solicitor this week.

He is a bastard, and is hurting you, and will always do so. Leave now.

Honestly OP, cut your losses, this has been a financially expensive mistake (potentially), don't let it also drain your life too!

Get out while you can, this is only the beginning of how he will act with you.

Another one saying buy him out OP. But do not give him a penny unless it’s done with solicitor!!
I know it will feel like a failure to pull the plug now, but trust the hundreds of women on this thread who have been there and got the t shirt and are telling you to run.

Men like this do not improve

Men like this are bad fathers

Whatever you do, do not get pregnant with this fella and do not allow any further lines of credit ie credit cards, furniture loans etc.

You seem like a really hard working, sensible young woman - don’t waste your best years on a man child.

Agree. Get the ball rolling as soon as possible. I'll tell you what I would think of a friend doing this. I'd think they were immensely brave and to be admired. Do it for your future self. get out now.

Oh mate. I am sorry. He sounds awful. If you can, buy him out. If not, sell. Your dream home does not need to have this guy in it, stinking your life up.

Can you afford to give him back what he’s put in and take the house on yourself? It sounds like you maybe could. Get a lodger for a while until you get on your feet with it. For the love of God get rid of him, he’s sick jealous of you. You can find someone on your level who adores you then you’ll be so thankful you got away from him

I agree with this. He's angry because he knows you are SO much better than him! And you are! But it's his problem. Get rid of him. Youre not married so he gets back exactly what he's put in. And if he won't go, stop subbing him.

He's a nasty git and I truly would advise you not to persevere with this relationship OP although I bet he'll be all sweetness and light when you dump his arse.

Unfortunately you’ve bought a house with an abuser and you haven’t protected yourself financially. You need to get legal advice about buying him out. He won’t change. The slamming doors and silent treatment are big red flags and I’d be concerned that on top of the clear emotional abuse you will also be a victim of physical abuse (and I expect financial abuse too).

OP, when there is a transition point in a relationship, like moving in together, marriage or pregnancy, this is when bad behaviour often happens. Having been there, I know it escalates very quickly. In my case I moved to a new country with someone who appeared to have a complete personality change overnight.

If you want to try to save this, you could try to speak to him. Try to do it away from the house, at a time you are both calm.

FWIW, he has found a few things which really upset you and trots them out whenever challenged - he was happy to watch you struggling through all the chores while he farted around - and he is happy to benefit from you financially, calling you lucky when in fact you worked your arse off while he messes around with part time work. Its not looking great, but there is a chance he is just repeating patterns from his past and if you challenge him it may be the wake up call he needs.

Hi
I’ve read each page of this and really feel for you.
There is always another route.
He doesn’t care that you’re crying over what he said to you.
He soon won’t even notice enough to make a dismissive comment.
It will become normal.
Not every day or every week. But the times that matter.

The holidays, Christmas, the night before a big thing for you at work, when you get promoted. Any time when you are celebrated or should be celebrated. Any time you ask for support or encouragement. An illness or bereavement, an aging parent.
Any work you want to be done in the house, painting, redecorating, gardening, building a wardrobe, putting up a mirror.

It will have to be done at his speed, you’ll finance it and he’ll be doing you a favour. Getting the work done will end up not being worth the hassle and arguing.
How will this end, how do these incidents end? Is he still apologetic? That will pass and it will get to be normal so nothing is spoken about. He won’t apologise honestly as he doesn’t feel he has done anything wrong.
You are in the wrong. You will always be wrong. The wrong tone, the wrong words. The wrong time. The wrong look.
Did your solicitor advise you about ring fencing your deposit, why did you not do this?
Agreeing to counselling will not change this. It’s just makes it harder to separate.

If you say you want to separate he will promise you everything, he will change, he needs you, he needs help, he is devastated.
He will do everything he can to stop you walking away as you have made his life easy and belittling you keeps you there.
He thinks you’re lucky to have him and how dare you tell him what to do.
And you work and plan and shop and cook and iron and clean and work.

And put a brave face on and stop crying because no one cares.
And hope but you will not have contentment while you anxiously check his mood, how he is feeling gives the vibe in your home.
So many, many women have known this man.
We are not all wrong or crazy or demanding or delusional.
I won’t tell you what to do.

It’s so hard to make a big decision but you could have peace and contentment in your own home that you worked so hard for and, in time, in your own time, see about relationship, this one or maybe a more fulfilling one.

If you decide to overlook this, see how long it is until you say the wrong thing, in the wrong tone, at the wrong time again. Make a note in your diary. See how it is resolved.
No one is perfect, there are always disagreements between people living together but the concerns you have told us about here go beyond the actual house.
It’s about how you are going to be treated in your most important relationship and how you are going to live your one precious life
💗

This

@ModernopI’ve read your posts, but not everyone else’s. But I agree with the gist.
You should both be in a honeymoon bubble together, working together to set up your new home, agreeing how you share the responsibility of running a home, together, not dealing with a sulky and verbally aggressive twat.
The sooner you put yourself first, and show him the door the better.

I’m so sorry it’s worked out like this for you but honestly this is not a good man. He will get worse not better especially if you have children.
You don’t need to stay in an abusive relationship over a house.

Can you afford to buy him out of the house? Maybe by taking in a lodger short term?

That would give you some breathing space to decide if you want to sell and move back closer to friends and family.
Also when and if you do decide to sell you will have the money from this house to put towards buying another by yourself.

^ This
It will escalate. He knows he can win, he strops and you cry. Get rid of him.

Imagine he had a real stress or a real issue, how angry will he be then? How irrational and moody?

It’s not about ‘helping’ you, it’s adulting.

he doesn’t sound ready to be an independent adult. This will not end well

sorry, sooner you move about again the better. When you have made a mistake, the best thing to do is accept it and set about undoing it as quickly as possible.

When you look back you will see the truth about this, however uncomfortable it seems now. The faster you rip off the plaster, the better it will be for you.

You would honestly not be overreacting. He's clearly a parasite and abusive. Cut your losses and sell the house. In five years' time, you'll look back and be SO glad you did. I've seen so many hard working friends brought down by lazy and abusive partners. Get out while it's easy.

Kick him out and buy him out, this is a sorry excuse of a man, he will never make you happy because he doesn’t want to…

Lets not concentrate on why the deposit is not ring fenced- what is done is done.
You need to get away from him, this will not get better. He calls you miss righteous because he resents you. Do not have children with him - you will be running ragged looking after everyone and everything whilst he will mock you.
Also, you are not lucky or blessed- its called hard work. He says you are lucky to minimise your input into your own success

I echo everyone else OP. You won't be overreacting. He calls you derogatory names all the time. It hasn't been a one off. He's admitted an anger issue. He is, as has been said, a lazy cock lodger. If he's finishing at 1pm he should be doing a bigger share of the house chores. I bet he doesn't. Did he pull his weight with household stuff when you were living with his mum? If he's ex army he can't say he doesn't know how. I'd get out now, while you can get back as much of your deposit back as possible. Do t leave this for 10 years, when you've paid much more of the mortgage than him and he walks away with half (I'm also betting you're joint tenants rather than tenants in common with you having a bigger share?)

For goodness sake don't marry him, and don't get pregnant and tie yourself to him.

He talks to you in a sneery mocking that shows a clear disdain. If he thinks you’re self-righteous, condescending, bossy and the ‘queen of everyone beneath you’ then why is he with you? Is he too cowardly to leave? No. He knows he’s got it good. He’s simply trying to ensure that you don’t realise that you can do better than him. He shouts, strops, sulks, throws things and insults you - and you don’t yet have the potential stress / tension of children, maternity leave money worries or him working full time.

This. It is very short amount of time. See a solicitor as soon as possible and take everything with you.

He is an angry, cock lodging arsehole. Not to leave would be under reacting.

You can’t win this one. He won’t improve. He won’t see that he should do anything that doesn’t suit him and he doesn’t think he has to please you as he’s got you already. He doesn’t like you because you make him feel inadequate. I hope you find the strength to stand up to him.

Get together every single piece of documentation you have about who contributed what to the house and get out of there.

He is abusive. He was abusive at his parents. He is abusive in your new home. IT will only get worse.