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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/03/2026 21:28

Time to see a solicitor. You should have done this pre moving in and your money would be ring fenced-now from the sound of it you will lose 50% because he sounds like a cunt who will not let you have your money back. But cut your losses anyway. Get him out. Life is too short. Read up on sunk costs fallacy

crazeekat · 10/03/2026 21:26

Kick him out now. He is showing u what his expectations are.
if u can’t do that at least get a cleaning and job rota n the go.
and if u cant do that, stop doing anything at all for him and i mean stop everything. No cleaning, no washing, no sex. Zilch.
and also working those hours u should be getting more than 15 mins break too . start using ur breaks for resting and relaxing, what it’s meant to be.

Acheyelbows · 10/03/2026 21:24

You are not over reacting. Imagine having this reaction to you asking for help on a weekly basis. Do you want to live like that?
I'd imagine he has some good points since you're with him but remember your worth, you are not there to keep him or do all his cooking or laundry, it should be a partnership and he should appreciate the fact you wouldn't have that house without you and your deposit savings.

I suggest you stand up for yourself and lay down the treatment you expect..fair and respectful or buy him out. Can you afford the mortgage alone?

AInightingale · 10/03/2026 21:23

This will escalate from throwing and slamming things to damaging furniture and your possessions, to much more aggressive verbal and even physical abuse. Been there. For God's sake see a solicitor and end this relationship.

Trusttheawesomeness · 10/03/2026 21:22

Do you own has joint tenants or tenants in common?

Why on earth did you not protect your deposit? Just… what were you thinking?

TheMadGardener · 10/03/2026 21:17

Please don't stay just because you think it will be difficult to get out financially. He won't make you happy, he won't become a nicer person, and you have the chance to meet someone so much better. You deserve better than him!!!
See a solicitor and work out a path to separate from him. Luckily you aren't married and you are a good earner. If you want to keep the house and you paid 70%, is there a possibility of buying him out of his share? If not, just prepare yourself to sell the house and save to buy somewhere else just for you. You will take a financial hit but totally worth it to avoid wasting your best years on this unloving man.

Loopo · 10/03/2026 21:13

OP the money is nothing - an expensive lesson and best case scenario you can buy him out and he fucks off but presuming that isn’t affordable it still a cheap lesson int hr long term. No kids, no years of abuse and time to invest in yourself and do the freedom program so you can recognise men like this next time. It isn’t moral to be name called or spoke to like this or shouted at. It’s abuse. He is an abuser and terrifyingly this is him at the start. The strongest thing you can do is get away and to be so proud of your confidence to do so.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/03/2026 21:11

Interesting that he was in the army so would be well trained to do tidying/ organisation etc but he couldn't be bothered. Totally selfish and l would love to see his sorry face when he realises you are not prepared to put up with his Bellshill and show him the door. Hadn't even got the cop to pretend to be nice even for a few weeks. You have done absolutely nothing wrong..its all him.
And on top of that wants to work part time. Yeh right!!

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 10/03/2026 21:06

Wow, he didn’t wait long to show his true colours. He is attempting to condition you to accept a role whereby you serve him, perform all chores and never question or demand anything of him or else you’re a “little miss righteous” nag with “a tone”. I imagine it would go down like a sack of sick if you clapped back with ok fine “Mr slob”, “Mr. Can’t show initiative” , “Mr. I want a mummy not a partner”.

in some ways you are so lucky; you aren’t married, you don’t have kids and you have the financial means to RUN! Run far and run FAST.

He sounds like an angry man and honestly it would absolutely be done for me. Your requests were reasonable and his response says it all.

tara66 · 10/03/2026 21:06

He is not even considering your ''point of view'' - he can't be bothered about what you ''think'' or ''feel'' as he is not interested. And he certainly cannot be bothered to change his ways for you either. So he just reuses demeaning names and phrases to call/describe you - convenient for his lazy mind - and there certainly is no care, feeling or thought for you.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 10/03/2026 21:02

You are not blessed and lucky. He is blessed and lucky - he saw you coming!

Read the relationship boards, get your ducks in a row and LTB.

republicofjam · 10/03/2026 20:55

This is a a massive field of waving red flags. From what you have written this man will almost certainly take all your self esteem and most of your money. It's not to late to get out and there is absolutely no shame in it.💐

ChavsAreReal · 10/03/2026 20:54

The sooner you can get out of this, the less money you'll lose and the sooner you can put it behind you..

This is no way to live. Have you told your Mum?

lovescats3 · 10/03/2026 20:52

Get rid

99bottlesofkombucha · 10/03/2026 20:50

I’d see a lawyer about your deposit in case there any chance it’s so recent that you can get it back.

Whyherewego · 10/03/2026 20:49

@Modernop it must be very hard for you to read all these posts.
I feel your sadness in your last post. Please contact a solicitor. You should have been advised to ringfence the deposit and I would urge you right now to ensure that your interests are protected. You are paying more of the mortgage too. So it is important to get this bit sorted.
Do that now. Immediately.

Then regroup and consider what you want to do longer term. But first of all protect your own financial interests

clarabowlips · 10/03/2026 20:48

Do you think you can buy him out (at the correct % he put in) or get him to agree for the house to be sold? I would expect him to be obstructive and demanding so get legal advice, gather evidence, seek support but whatever you do get out of this damaging relationship.

Moltencheese · 10/03/2026 20:46

CSR721 · 09/03/2026 21:39

He is showing you who he is. Believe him and get out.

This

i would consider it a lucky escape

LucyLoo1972 · 10/03/2026 20:43

regista · 09/03/2026 21:43

You are two weeks in to a new home. Brutal, this should be the nesting period where you both make it beautiful. Stay strong. Only excuse this awful fucking behaviour from him if there is some really good underlying reason and it’s truly a complete one off because e.g. he had some terrible health diagnosis. You need to walk I suspect. I reckon even if you make peace and he sees it and makes an effort he will slip back. Do not have children with him, do not become financially dependent under any circumstances. You will regret it.

what do you do if your DH pr DP doesnt seem to want to bother nesting and making. a nice home for you?

BarbiesDreamHome · 10/03/2026 20:39

Your updates make it clear you've landed a bad one.

It's OK, we all make mistakes. He is the one before the one. The Learning Curve. A lot of us go through one of these amd 15 years later we count our blessing that we had the sense to make the hard decision to correct our paths.

You deserve a boyfriend who doesn't throw things and bully you and coerce you with Miss Perfect language to divert from him being a nasty loser.

It's a lesson. Do what you can to get as much money back as possible but don't waste your youth and energy on him. It's just money, you can earn it again. You can't move on while you're with him.

PS5Gamer · 10/03/2026 20:33

Seek Legal advice ASAP. You most certainly are not overreacting, he is being abusive and conditioning you. You are already making excuses for him.

Sending you strength and support OP, you do not need this sad excuse of a man in your life.

berightorbehappy · 10/03/2026 20:32

He is trying to teach you to be scared of his reaction when you ask him to do his share so you will stop asking him. His behaviour is bullying and manipulative . This is not going to work in any way where you will be happy or equal. Cut your losses and get out of this !

Surgz · 10/03/2026 20:30

Child like little twat! Tell him as you cant discuss allocation of household jobs in a mature way you will stick a list on fridge on everything that needs doing and he can choose half and tick em off as he feels fit. And i wouldnt fall into the 'please' trap like hes doing you a favour!!

SadTimesInFife · 10/03/2026 20:29

100%, you need to leave him

Enrichetta · 10/03/2026 20:29

Donttellempike · 10/03/2026 19:30

If you don’t leave now OP he will destroy your life.

He does not need counselling to control his anger. He is completely in control of it. And is using it to control you.

Read “ Why does he do that” a book by Lundy Bancroft”. You will see him in there.

Cut your losses.

I totally agree.

Definitely read that book. There is a free PDF online.

But also make an appointment with a family solicitor to establish how you can protect your deposit pending the sale of the house.

ETA….. it would be great if you could buy him out!