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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

766 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Treviarpelli · 10/03/2026 23:03

He needs to go back to his mothers house

TwistedWonder · 10/03/2026 22:53

Sorry OP but this abusive entitled cocklodging prick saw you coming. I know it’s too late now but honestly why on earth did you think buying a house with him was a good idea?

You need to cut your losses, take the financial
hit and write this off as a mistake. That’s not easy but staying would be a far bigger mistake.

Luckystarss · 10/03/2026 22:41

Please look up “boiling frog” metaphor... He already has normalised some red flag behaviours for you and so you are left thinking whether selling house or some other form of decisive action by you is an overreaction (it isn’t).

Here is a short summary of boiling frog (someone might have better explanation)
The "boiling frog" metaphor is used by organizations like
Inverness Women's Aid to illustrate how coercive control and domestic abuse escalate gradually. Victims often adapt to slowly increasing, subtle abuse, similar to a frog in heating water, making it difficult to recognize the danger until it is too late to escape.

Key aspects of this concept in the context of women's aid include:

  • Coercive Control: The metaphor highlights how abusers convince victims they are safe and loved while gradually restricting their freedom.
  • Gradual Normalization: Abuse often starts subtly, with victims adapting to small changes in behavior until the situation becomes unbearable.
  • Homelessness Link: The "Boiling Frogs" concept is also used to highlight the link between domestic abuse and homelessness, with 40% of women citing abuse as a factor in losing their homes.

The Frog’s Tail — Inverness Women's Aid

Let me tell you a story about a young boy and a girl. This young woman had no problem to tell anyone if they had over stepped a boundary. She knew her mind and she wasn’t afraid to say ‘No’. This young woman was beautiful, talented and bright.

https://www.invernesswa.org/womens-voices/the-frogs-tail

Scout2016 · 10/03/2026 22:41

Has he done anything about getting counselling for his anger?

It's not an over reaction because there's a clear pattern of behaviour which he is chosing to repeat and it's making you unhappy.

Was his medical discharge from the army mental health related?
What was he stressed so about that he was banging doirs and throwing things - aged what, nearly 30? - and how did he overcome it?

Catpuss66 · 10/03/2026 22:39

You mention anger, might it be wise to ask for Claire’s law disclosure for DV. Cannot imagine he has not done this before. This might give you some real life red flag if it is in black & white.

RandomMess · 10/03/2026 22:39

Is there anyway you can buy him out or at least get a retrospective agreement ringfencing each of your deposits.

He should be paying more of the mortgage so that he matches the 70% you put down tbh.

pinkyredrose · 10/03/2026 22:22

Modernop · 10/03/2026 18:18

Have been working sorry. To answer a few questions:

  1. deposit is not ringed fenced
  2. I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
  3. I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
  4. he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do. I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
  5. he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
  6. there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling
  7. he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after

I’m really sad, and I feel stuck. The “little miss righteous” comment hits a nerve so much, because I’m not trying to be right, I’m trying to ask for support. He sure this often whenever I point anything out. Even if I say “please don’t shout” he’ll say it. It’s so hurtful. Along with “queen of everyone beneath her” and “lady modernop”.

im not far from friends and family but i have noone here. If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

Why on earth didn't you ring fence your deposit, did he persuade you not to?

You need to get rid of this arsehole, he's treating you shockingly. Please don't get pregnant!! (Though why you'd ever want to open your legs for him i don't know!)

KatyKopykat · 10/03/2026 22:21

SunMoonandChocolate · 10/03/2026 18:54

I'm guessing that he has already got the OP to a state where she's doubting that she can do it all on her own again, and highly doubt that she will do the sensible thing, in spite of all of us advising her to leave him NOW. It's sad, but generally we all seem to have to learn from our own mistakes, and it won't be until she's had a child, and is tied to him for the rest of her life (or at minimum 18 years), that she will realise we were right, and that she could have saved herself and her child, an awful lot of heartache, if only she'd acted when she first posted on Mumsnet!!.

It took me 10+ years to get out. He convinced me I'd never be able to cope by myself and said he'd make sure none of my friends would have anything to do with me again by the time he'd told them all how nightmarish I was. He'd got into debt and I thought I'd have to pay half. He did screw me over financially but I did escape by which time I was 33.

Please don't stay for ten years like me.

sydi · 10/03/2026 22:20

This reminds me of my 2nd boyfriend - he used to tell me that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I very much wasn't - my parents were on minimum wage, but unlike his feckless father and worn-down mother, my parents worked hard and were very savvy at stretching what money they had to cover everything. The overriding feeling I got off him was that he was jealous of me.
I realised after about a year, that a relationship with someone who was jealous of me was never going to work, and I dumped him.

You seem very driven by wanting to buy a house, which is a good thing, but I wonder if this has clouded your judgement. If you put in 70% of the deposit and you earn more than him, then you're mostly buying it yourself anyway. You might have to trade it for a slightly smaller house or a doer-upper, but you certainly don't need him. In fact, all your hard-earned money is just going to get spent by him if you're not careful.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 10/03/2026 22:19

rainbowsparkle28 · 09/03/2026 21:40

Leave.

Yes this
I hope it’s rented and I hope you aren’t pregnant

Frugalgal · 10/03/2026 22:12

You would not be overreacting if you sold the house now..

How many times would this need to happen and how long for before you could say it's not overreacting? 5 years? Ten? In front of the kids? Over and over?

You could save yourself all that hurt over all those years if you cut your losses now. Nothing is going to change him or his behaviour, it will get worse, not better, that is how these things go. Before you know it, a lifetime of hiding your tears in the bathroom will have passed.

You must do this for yourself.

Chatterlyssecret · 10/03/2026 22:10

Please send him back to his mum, life is to precious to have a disgusting partner to start your life in your new home.He has zero respect for you.💐

Alittlefrustrated · 10/03/2026 22:05

This is an abusive man OP. It will only get worse. You need to leave now for the best outcome for you. Good luck.

Horses7 · 10/03/2026 22:04

Please please get out of this one sided, nasty relationship before it gets really bad…. and it will I’m positive of it.
My daughter was in a similar relationship and it took her 2 years to realise how bad it was. Fortunately like you she was young, well qualified and earning good money. She was upset as she thought they were both in love. Six months later she met a wonderful guy and they’ve been married several years. Don’t put up with this loser. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

GreenCandleWax · 10/03/2026 22:01

If you want to give it just one try before you LTB, sit him down and calmly tell him that it has to be a partnership. He doesn't get to opt out of your joint domestic life, or sulk about it, and you expect full participation as two adults. If that is not acceptable to him and he does not commit to change for the sake of your relationship, you know what to do. Flowers

Isittimeformynapyet · 10/03/2026 21:59

pictoosh · 10/03/2026 19:07

"highly doubt that she will do the sensible thing, in spite of all of us advising her to leave him NOW"

Tell us about an occasion when you uprooted your entire life...your home, your relationship, your job, on the word of unqualified strangers.

You don't get to be chippy about the OP failing to post from the M6 as she makes her immediate getaway, suitcases on the roof rack.
You don't get to decide whether she's sensible or not. This is her lived, real-time life. YOU be sensible.

Edited

This was a good response. I wish you'd tagged the poster you quoted.

AcquadiP · 10/03/2026 21:58

He's a misogynist twat with a temper. He's showing you who he really is. Leave him.

Studyunder · 10/03/2026 21:56

KaleQueen · 10/03/2026 18:21

My angry abusive ex was also ex army. The similarities are shocking. He eventually turned very nasty and i seriously thought he could have killed me one day - I once said this to him. He said ‘I could yes but I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t do time for something as worthless as you’
Honestly so many alarm bells. Please seriously take the advice you’re being given here by wise and experienced women.

This times 100. I ca’t give details as too outing but please please listen to this and your gut.

andthat · 10/03/2026 21:55

Calendulaaria · 10/03/2026 21:29

He doesn't like you. He is an underdog and wants to drag you down with him. If you downplay your feelings now, you'll look back and regret you didn't listen to your gut. Things won't get better. People like this escalate once they feel they have you more committed / stuck with them. He's definitely not someone to have children with also.

Show quote history

This.

And kindly… wise up.

You’ve ignored the red flags that were there and not protected your finances.

Whilst only he can be blamed for his poor behaviour…you are to blame for ignoring the warning signs. Don’t ignore them any further.

itsobviousright · 10/03/2026 21:50

Buy him out and enjoy your house

It doesnt even sound like he likes you

He shouts and throws things. This will escalate

DO NOT GET PREGNANT

You sound like a bright, strong woman who's just found themselves with a man who cant cope with being with a bright, strong woman. Dump him. Honestly, dont waste your life

firstofallimadelight · 10/03/2026 21:46

He behaves that way so you will stop asking him.
Ask yourself this, why does the man you love and plan to build a life with think it’s ok to call you names, make you cry and not pull his weight despite the fact that he works less hours than you?
This won’t get better and in fact it will get worse particularly if you ever end up dependent on him in any way.

Ryah76 · 10/03/2026 21:40

@Modernop cut your losses and sell up- this man doesn’t like you- you are his meal ticket and he will continue to treat you like crap.

crazeekat · 10/03/2026 21:30

And get copies of all the house legal stuff put away before it suddenly goes missing and u need to prove how much u put down compared to him.

user2848502016 · 10/03/2026 21:29

Trusttheawesomeness · 10/03/2026 21:22

Do you own has joint tenants or tenants in common?

Why on earth did you not protect your deposit? Just… what were you thinking?

To be fair she can’t have had a very good conveyancer, mine made me protect the additional amount I put in to our house deposit even though we had been married for 8 years and I hadn’t even thought about it

Calendulaaria · 10/03/2026 21:29

Modernop · 10/03/2026 18:18

Have been working sorry. To answer a few questions:

  1. deposit is not ringed fenced
  2. I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
  3. I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
  4. he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do. I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
  5. he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
  6. there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling
  7. he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after

I’m really sad, and I feel stuck. The “little miss righteous” comment hits a nerve so much, because I’m not trying to be right, I’m trying to ask for support. He sure this often whenever I point anything out. Even if I say “please don’t shout” he’ll say it. It’s so hurtful. Along with “queen of everyone beneath her” and “lady modernop”.

im not far from friends and family but i have noone here. If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

He doesn't like you. He is an underdog and wants to drag you down with him. If you downplay your feelings now, you'll look back and regret you didn't listen to your gut. Things won't get better. People like this escalate once they feel they have you more committed / stuck with them. He's definitely not someone to have children with also.

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