Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

Unless he is usually a saint, or you have children I would leave him. This is your first home together , and it will only get worse not better- he is one of those men who never got over the toddler stage- if you ask him to do the tiniest thing he instantly thinks he does all the work. This kind of aggressive laziness does not improve as time goes on.

OP , did you leave ? I really hope so ! ❤️

I was thinking about you OP and hoping you are okay. What you are experiencing could be overwhelming, any rocky times ina relationship are hard and even harder is your other half is selfish as seems to be the case here, look after yourself.

You dont need to go he does!

There's another AIBU from a woman whose coke head ex husband (who was originally her manager) used to isolate and belittle her. She told him she was lonely, so he suggested maybe having a baby.

They're now divorced and he is busily indoctrinating their child in how much of a stroppy witch she is on custody visits.

My ex used to do this. He would go out till 3/4am in the middle of the week. He'd go out 4, 5 nights a week. When I told him I was lonely and I missed him he basically said he wasnt going to cancel his plans just to sit at home with me. There were other things too but I put up with it for far too long. I didnt realise how much better off I would be out of that situation. They make you feel like you're the unreasonable one but you're not.

From experience, I’d say leave him and please don’t have children with him.

take care of yourself @Modernop

Just to add...when you bought the house did you purchase as Tenants in Common or Joint Tenants? You can have a solicitor draw up a Declaration of Trust, which is a legal document stating the share of deposit you both put down. This can be drawn up post-purchase. The issue you may have is getting your boyfriend to sign the document.

My lovely please don't be embarrassed. We all make mistakes in life. You need to seek legal advice urgently. As you are both on the mortgage and deeds, you can't force him to move out of the house, no more than he can you. You need to keep all your finances completely separate from him. Make sure he has no access to any of your own money. As others have suggested speaks to Women's Aid. Can you move back to where your family live? Your priority is legal advice to see where you stand regarding the 70% deposit.

He's not going to help you in the house. He doesn't want too and he doesn't see it as his responsibility. As someone else has stated, he's used you. He will do as he wants/when and if you don't like it, then tough. He's treating you like crap, because he believes you're trapped, and that makes him feel powerful to have control over you.

He's a nasty, abusive man.

Manipulative t*at! Don't cry though. Sit him down and explain that real men behave like real men and do their fair share as they realise that having a happy fulfilled relationship requires teamwork.

If he can’t get his head round that, leave, and quickly, because now it’s simple to sort, later it may not be!

Leave. This wont improve

His actions comvincing you to go ahead with the puchase and move were 100% deliberate.
He knows he is using you and this is his plan.

Take it very very seriously.
Your relationship with him has future physical abuse written all over it.
You need Women's aid and legal advice.

This is a very bad man.
Tell family.
Abuse thrives in secrecy.
He thinks you are stuck.
You are not.
Remove your part of shared savings.
Pay maximum your half of bills, no more.

This is him. Please get him out.

Get to a solicitor this week and take advice about the best way to get out of this with as much of your property intact as possible. You can get out. We believe in you x

This bloke is a thin skinned twit, he can't stand the fact that compared to you he is an idiot.
You are worth so much more than this @Modernop this man is childlike, stunted and ridiculous. He will only ever try to crush you in his futile attempts to big himself up
Please don't sacrifice yourself to his fragile ego. I hope you can bring this relationship to a close with as little drama as possible, move on and live your own life. You're obviously highly motivated and capable of working hard. Leave this waster to his own fate.

Mummy's little boy having a temper Tantrum? You are not his unpaid housekeeper. It's a good job you have seen this now and not further into the relationship. Stay if you want to be a doormat. Talk bravely and explain how you feel to come home after work to this, if you love him and want to save the relationship. Third option if your the chief breadwinner ask him to leave, if its him move out yourself.

Oh OP, I've read your original posts and updates. This man is abusing you. Gaslighting, emotional manipulation, financial exploitation. He sounds cruel. Please get out now. Run don't walk. Seek some legal advice to try see how you can either solely keep the house or at least get back what you have put in. You can do this. Seek help from family and friends and do not feel ashamed! Abusers rely on their victims feeling too embarrassed or scared to ask for help.
Good luck.

That post literally is sound advice. It doesn’t suggest she stays with him, the opposite is true. The original post painted one scenario where he was a complete dick. The second scenario actually had the most context of their relationship. The truth is she’s been living in this area for at least several months and she has become wholly reliant on him, she should have tried to carve out a separate life for herself. A choice was made to move by him and with that an understanding that’s she is starting from scratch. He can’t make friends for her, he can’t attend the hobbies she enjoys for her, she has to do this herself and from his reaction he feels stifled by the pressure of her being the only person she has. That is not his fault. However, he is a big twat, he’s selfish, he’s immature and he can’t articulate his feelings like a coherent man. He is a man/child. He’s lashing out & avoiding her instead of sitting her down and telling her exactly how he feels. He lacks empathy & fails to see her perspective. She’s way too mentally advanced for him. She outstrips him in every way. When people criticised her early doors for making excuses, she can see it. She trying not to be this needy woman, but she is by default because she’s isolated. Bad advice is just to say he’s a dickhead and say nothing about how she could help herself in future.

He’s a nasty piece of work and he knows exactly what he’s doing. He thinks he’s got you exactly where he wants you, which is trapped.

Can you buy him out?

Whichever way you play it, you need to leave him, and I don’t say that lightly.

If you don’t, you will have a life of misery.

Honestly he sounds immature. It’s not acceptable to be out all the time especially when you’ve just moved in together, was he like this when you lived at his moms? You sound incredibly lonely & think the pressure of your need to have him around is stifling him also. If anyone was to move to away from their family & friends my first advice would be to get a hobby & try & make new connections. In truth it’s too much to expect one person to provide all your social & emotional needs. He is out excessively which I wouldn’t have been happy with either but on the other hand you do need to take some pro active measures to fill your own time to. The only good advice he’s given you is to get a hobby and sort something. He’s not the one for you & if you split up & when the heartache passes you’ll have learnt some valuable lessons. You’ll know what you’re not looking for in future men & though you’re independent in a practical way you sound over emotionally dependent. This doesn’t negate he’s inconsiderate. However, he sounds like he needs a harsher woman. Someone who can put him in his place and assert her own will and not need him particularly to be available he’s not at the same stage you are, You need a softer man who’s ready to settle down & cuddle up and watch movies

@Modernop

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

This is more helpful and accurate

@Modernop

Please ignore this guff.

You will cling to posts like this and think there’s a chance, he can change etc and you are ignoring that he is really genuinely abusive.

He shows your contempt. There is no return once you’ve reached this stage.

Make a plan and stick to it. You may lose SOME money but it will be worth it to be free.

My ex was the same. I looked at him when he moved back in with his mum after blowing all his money and just thought "you had everything and you blew it". He had gone full circle and was right back where he started.

He's a narc. Showing his true colours now he feels he has you trapped.

Abusing and gaslighting you.

Narcs also cheat. This I where he could be. It comes out years later. Run now.

Because they’re just petulant toddlers in a man’s body. They don’t want to grow up so they throw their teddies out the pram when anyone criticises them.