To complain to school or leave it be

Your comment itself is fair, but some (many, presumably) schools really don't have ANY quiet spaces at all. There is no nurse's office; no classroom a child is allowed in without a teacher present; no clubs like lego or chess; often no shelter in the playground; no structured playground layout, so that there's a defined space for rough games, a place for sitting and chatting etc. DS's school doesn't even have a library. It's a really shameful state of affairs.

@Receptive1 DS finds the noise and misbehaviour in his school unbearable too. As I mentioned above, there is literally ZERO space for peace and quiet away from it all in his school. However, after over a year of complaining, they do now allow him to choose 1 friend to take to lunch 10 minutes before everyone else (it doesn't always happen, but at least when it does, it's something). It means he gets to eat a few bites before a cascade of noise arrives. The playground has become too dangerous - he's been attacked multiple times by other children - and, despite the school loudly denying there's a problem, they now allow him to sit in reception with a friend and read or play lego during lunch. So, if there is nowhere safe/quieter for your daughter, ask about the possibility of her going to lunch a bit earlier, so at least she has 10min of peace; and about possibly using the space in reception or outside the principal's office to do something quiet if the playground has become too overwhelming.

Ah I assumed because she was eating she was calling lunch break.

This is completely normal in terms of wanting everyone out at break time. Usually the staff are out on duty and can't have children in the classroom. In year 4 few children bring snack anyway, and due to healthy schools its usually fruit which is eaten quickly.

What does she do at lunchtime?

It's breaktime not lunchtime.

Op 'gently', the school are keeping your child safe by putting rules in place to ensure supervision (and hygiene).
As your child is over half way through year. She's been in school going on for 4 years. She knows the rules-,what has she done every other day til yesterday?
If she doesn't like the noise, get her ear defenders. Its her job to comply with the school rules and your job to support the school in this for her oen good!

I don't understand how she sneaked off without no one really noticing. All our primary children eat in the hall. There is a 'lunch club' for some sen children who are invited to attend that is supervised by one TA. These are children who need a safe space for lunch.

I was assuming your daughter was in secondary as it seems a strange set up for a primary to have everyone outdoors. What about those who get school dinners? Do they also eat outside?

Can they arrange somewhere for her to sit and eat her food quietly. Everyone has to eat lunch outside? That sounds odd, surely they should be able to sit somewhere inside and what happens if it's raining or worse.

OP, gently, your child was not making a safe choice. Imagine there had been a fire. Schools will try their best to accommodate but safety trumps discomfort.

But you clearly DO think your child shouldn't have to follow the rules that apply to every other child? Why?

Potentially 2/3 minutes to eat the banana and another 20 minutes to recover from the overwhelm of the playground. That’s an entire break wasted with a distressed child at the end of it.
Or, said child could eat the banana in an environment that they find comfortable and then go back to class at the correct time.
If someone is suffering, do you say “It’s fine, you can suffer if it’s only for a few minutes”?

Op, the school are probably hoping breaks are ok for her and haven't put a plan in place or even acknowledged the challenges beyond the classroom. If it's like my school, the person on playground duty is probably support staff so won't necessarily know of her needs, hence using the tone of voice used when telling off children who are breaking the rules and not showing any understanding. Definitely have a wee chat with the teacher and see what they say. I'm sure this will be an easy fix if your school is halfway decent.

Very well said. I don't mean I agree with you, I'm merely complimenting you on your concise delivery of an intentionally goady and willfully ignorant comment. Some people go overboard and it undermines their attempts but you nailed it. Good work.

Well that mskes it easy then! Stay inside and have no snack, or go outside to eat it. That's the chouce. That's threschool rule which every other child manages to follow and your child isn't too special to either

“Fill their faces?” What a purposefully vile way to avoid using the word ‘snacking’ 🙄

Would a set of loops help her?

She needs help. I used to hide in the toilets all through school. Became a lot easier in high school to hide. Teacher definitely shouldn’t have told her off.

I would make an appointment to discuss this with the SENCo-she was unsupervised eating in y2/3 which they obviously can’t have but you need to discuss the reasons behind it with them.

A quiet space away from the others is ideal, but in the days of restricted budget are not always possible. We used to have a lunchtime club run by the senco every day, but she is only part time. Ear defenders, a table to the side of the hall, might be reasonable adjustments though.

Even if you have a 1 to 1 on an EHCP not all schools follow it (yes it’s the law but they don’t)

She must struggle in the dining hall? Assembly? Food / school lunches an issue at school?

Diagnosis isn’t the bee all and end all what helps is an understanding head which will make reasonable adjustments for children despite having a diagnosis or not. Senco follows the head lead. You need to start at the top not bottom.

If she is eating a lunch at school - I’d leave it. Bigger issues to solve. Make her more protein breakfast to keep her going until lunch.

You can fight with schools all day - maybe they need to look for friendship help as she could be hiding too in the toilet as no friends to hang out with at break time which is causing anxiety too.

Just don’t give her a snack and then she can go to the library. It’s not as if kids need a snack. Surely that’s the compromise

Having gone through this for years with my ND teenager, I learnt many things.

Worrying about upsetting school staff gets you nowhere. Instead, the business like, detached, professional and assertive, yet polite approach is absolutely essential. Schools are overwhelmed atm, I believe moral is probably low for teachers having to deal with so much including a huge number of Neuro divergent kids with not much extra resource to manage their needs.

This means you will not get the absolutely necessary support your daughter needs with the ' oh please thank you, sorry to bother you approach'. I used to do this until I realised in such a difficult way.

You have strong suspicions she's Autistic. Don't ever back down on this in conversation with anyone in school or medical professionals. . Systemic gaslighting by schools and GPs is horrendous. I experienced it, I speak to many going through it now. In the end we had to pay and he is obviously ND in multiple obvious ways.

Your meeting in April - you will need to ask to meet the SENCO and class teacher.

At this meeting I would ask for your daughter to be placed on the SEN register. She doesn't need a diagnosis for this. The school will know. Ask for the school to work with you in the development of a basic SEN plan. This needs to include establishing needs in school and writing them down. One such need is social anxiety, particularly regarding lunchtimes. What exactly will school do to accommodate this? A TA? A buddy system? If there's an issue with food avoidance then obviously this needs supporting properly. The school need to assess and identify all needs.

What else is she struggling with. It won't be just this. And what exactly will they do to identify every need and then outline exactly how they'll support it? That's what the SEN plan is for. They won't have one. You'll need to remind them they should do this.

With the Autism/ ADHD assessment - exactly who is the assessing body for your area? When will they submit an application to assess? And you will need to submit your supporting info as part of it. The NHS tend to commission a third party organisation yo do the assessments. They don't do these easily. You need to push and have evidence to even get them to agree to assess.

So the above is important to ask in the meeting. It's important to note down everything then email it back to them exactly what agreed at the meeting.

Come secondary school, things can become incredibly stressful, distressing and a nightmare if things aren't set in motion now. Never trust a school who says they're doing something without specific defined detail as I've highlighted above.

You could for now write an email about April's meeting forewarning what you'd like to discuss. Eg. SEN plan, assessing needs and establishing accommodations and confirming details ref the AUTISM assessment. You could add one line at the end saying you're particularly keen to discuss issues regarding lunchtime eating as part of this. It has become apparent daughter is eating in the toilets etc etc.

Do it in one brief email like this. If you keep emailing bit parts it misses the bigger picture and you get lost in the category as that parent. The bigger picture is what I've highlighted in the beginning; SEN plan and Autism assessment. What when, how basically. Then tag on your concern ref lunchtime. They'll do something about it if they get an email demonstrating your awareness of the system, their obligations and that you are assertive! 🙏

What is all this with snacks? When mine were at primary school, certainly when i was at school, pupils could last from 9 to 12 without having to fill their faces!
Cant you get some, ear defenders for your dd?

I would speak to the school because she clearly needs more support, it's very sad to think of her trying to eat in the toilets because she's so overwhelmed outside. She needs a calm space to feel safe. I wouldn't be wording it as a complaint, because the teacher was correct- eating in the toilets is very unhygienic, inside primary school bathrooms can be so disgusting i'd feel sick at the thought of a child eating in there.

All schools should facilitate a quiet/nurture space, as i guarantee your child isnt the only one who requires regulation. At the bare minimum, she should be offered to sit at the school office quietly if need be. The fact she already has a classroom plan means staff should have thought about breaktimes as well.

If this isn't happening, it is up to you as the parent to advocate. I advise you speak with leadership and not the class teacher; they tend to have staggered staff breaks and are more likely to be the ones facilitating safe spaces while class teachers have breaks. They are also the ones responsible for care plans.

OP said they have a supervised library for those children that need to be in a quiet area. She just can't eat her snack there but honestly, how long does it take to eat a banana?