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Original poster

To feel sad about decision to not have any more children after PND?

28 replies

finefibrecall · 09/03/2026 19:41

I’m in a bit of a difficult place mentally, and wanted to ask for others’ experience as it’s not something I’ve often seen spoken about.

My DD is nearly 3 and I had awful PND after her birth. I am much better now. Due to my age, if we were to want a second child we would realistically need to start trying in the next year or two. However, the newborn experience first time round was so traumatic that I feel nowhere near ready to have another child.

In some ways, I’m at peace with just having one. My partner and I never envisaged having a big family (we're both only children ourselves), we’d be less stretched financially and I genuinely fear what the repercussions may be (both for myself and my DD/DH) if I were to have a similar experience second time around. I was not a happy, healthy person and my DH had to go through a lot to help me. DD’s care was never an issue, but the personal cost to keep showing up as a mother when I was a shadow of myself was very high.

It feels like it should be an easy decision. Yet it’s this painful bruise I just can’t stop pushing. Despite the difficult beginning, I love my DD so completely and often feel stirred by the prospect of adding another member to our family, getting to know a new wonderful human in the same way.

I suppose I’m not really looking for reasons to have another. But it feels a lonely place to be. I know so many women, and read so many accounts from people, who discuss those early years of parenthood in similar ways to me - the loss of identity, the fatigue, the guilt, the anger - but they go on to have more? And with every new pregnancy announcement I feel this dagger in my side because I wonder how can they do it? And why can’t I do it?

I think I’m attaching having more children to being ‘better’, which I know isn’t right. But I haven’t yet found a space for people who feel compelled to have only one child for their own mental health. Has anyone else felt like this?

OP posts:
Muckypig · 09/03/2026 20:39

What I would say, is that two kids are greater than the sum of their parts when it comes to effort and exhaustion levels. Admittedly there's only two years between mine (to the week) but it was hard. And that's without any issues regarding mental health. I am 100% sure I would have destroyed my relationship and not been the mother I wanted to be had I also had bad PND to try and recover from. This is a choice you've made for your family, and it sounds like the right one and one to be proud of.

sharkstale · 09/03/2026 19:54

I felt exactly the way you've described. After a horrible start to motherhood and the way it mentally destroyed me, I didn't want anymore babies. I didn't want to go through that again and put my daughter through that. There was not one single part of me that wanted another child - the fear was so strong it became an active aversion to the mere thought of having another baby. Looking back, that doesn't feel very healthy to me either.
However, I type this with a 13 month old baby boy falling asleep in my arms. The best decision I've ever made, and the best thing I've ever done for my daughter - providing her with a sibling who she adores.
Thankfully, it's been a completey different experience this time round, and I'm so glad we're here and put our futures on a different path. It took me 7 years though.

If you decide to remain a one child family, that's okay. Do whatever you feel is best for your family. Your mental health is important to everybody.
But also know, it may be different next time if you do change your mind, and it's okay to wait for that until you feel ready.

Untalkative · 09/03/2026 19:47

I think you just need to learn to live with the mixed feelings and sense of unresolvedness — to recognise that feelings are seldom ‘pure’, and decisions are almost never 100% black and white. You’ve made a responsible decision to prioritise your existing child and your own MH. That you don’t feel 100% secure in that decision is ok. The ‘bruise’ isn’t a sign you made the wrong decision.