Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

@muggart why would you think that? How many children does someone need to show they love parenting?

in real life when i meet someone with only i have no way of knowing whether they stopped at one due to fertility or finances or something else so i don’t judge because what’s the point? we can only make the right decision for our circumstances.

however if i knew for sure that fertility (including things like a marriage breakdown meaning that another child wasn’t an option) or finances weren’t the reason, and that it was 100% a free choice to stop at 1, not driven by resource constraints, then I would possibly suspect they didn’t like parenting their first born all that much.

I don't consider anyone else's choices any of my concern

Anyway the thread about the toddler having problems adjusting to the arrival of their baby sibling should be a salutary tale about the problems that may arise if you don't stop at one. A lot of people say having two is easier, but as with all things, it depends.

Well I was a bit of a pain in school but it wasn't because I was an only child, it was because I am me!

My son had the odd issue in school and his only childdom was always darkly hinted at as the reason. It wasn't, it was because he was small for his age and bullied as a result. Heightism (along with only childism) being the last bastions of acceptable discrimination these days.

I actually wonder if a lot of my parents generation even wanted to have kids. Lots more choice these days, fewer people feel pressure to follow the template and get married and have 2 kids.

My sweet mum told me when I was a teen that her biggest piece of life advice was to not have kids, she said it was just such hard work and not worth it. She was married with her first by 21, before she probably even really knew who she was or what she wanted. It was just the done thing. She would have had such a lovely childfree life reading and watching plays and gossiping with friends!

I got where she was coming from (my older siblings were tearaways in so many ways and caused no end of heartache) and felt very close to her and grateful she was able to be honest about it. She was such an amazing mum but it definitely took a toll on her. I thought very carefully about kids as a result and waited until my thirties to have one. She was long gone by then but I think she'd have been proud I was able to live my life first and then make an active choice to have a deeply wanted child.

My mum was the youngest one of 5 and my grandmother said that she would have absolutely stopped after two if she'd had the chance as the family wasn't well off and of course it really affected womens' life chances. As it was the kids were very well spaced out for a time before easy contraception.

My DH is one of four and I think his mother felt the same and would have happily only had two. Again they didn't have a lot of money when he was young and I think she always felt frustrated with her life and the difference it would have made if she'd stopped at one or at least two. Her sister only had two so obviously managed the contraception somehow - or maybe just couldn't have more than two.

My mum did stop at one. But she had me when contraception was easy to get. so was able to stop.

And the studies are showing that the lonely only, spoilt only that was peddled in the 60s/70s is rubbish

And surely that is what is important now

Consider the social evolutionary history of our species. Up until recently (1960’s) when effective birth control became widely available, it was very rare for a couple to have only one child. Our species has literally spent 100k+ years in an environment where multiple siblings were the norm. Only children are very much a new phenomenon. Many, many aspects of our current social climate are vastly different from what we evolved to cope with. I’m not saying any of this is bad or wrong, I’m saying it’s different from our evolutionary history. I’m an absolutely not hating on only children, just making a point about human history.

Those are all your words and your opinions. Don’t put them on me.

I know it's as if some people think only children live in a bubble with absolutely no contact with other children.

As I said previously, only child is a family size. It is not a personality trait. All the stereotypes people attribute to them can easily be applied to people who have siblings.

I can empathise with them on how they must feel on some level with the stereotypes. I'm a twin and used to seeing posts too such as "twins do this" and "twins feel this" as if we are all just one mass unit who couldn't possibly be individuals!

This.

It's a personal decision and up to the individuals.

It's the same lazy stereotype, though, like another spectacularly underthinking thread wondering whether bad behaviour in schools is due to a preponderance of only children.

The only thing having four siblings taught me was grabbing, hoarding and hiding, and, to this day, a genuine panic in restaurants with 'shared plates'.

@feministmom4ever studies show only children are very good at learning those skills

I said having a sibling helps children learn these skills. I did not say only children don’t also learn these skills, and I definitely did not say only children grow up to be selfish people.

That resonates for me. I'm the eldest of five, grew up in a small, over-crowded, poor household, and we were grabby and secretive and always looking sideways to see whether one of the others had our toy, or was wearing our knickers, or got given a bigger portion -- because there wasn't quite enough of anything to go round, there was no privacy or anywhere to store your own things, unless you literally fought someone off, and because I was the eldest and a girl, my mother (herself an eldest of a large family) thought I should be always the one giving in, accepting the least, handing things over, sharing, letting stuff go.

It turned us all into adults who are extremely keen on our own space, and four out of the five of us are childfree by choice.

I remember being in a soft play with my only when he was 2-3yr, he was playing with three boys, all siblings. His mum and I got chatting and she said 'is he an only?' I said yep, and she said 'I can tell'. I braced myself for some kind of nonsense, but she went on to say 'he's so good at sharing. My three hold onto their things so tightly cos they know the second they put it down someone else will snatch it and run off with it'.

It really stayed with me. Not saying siblings can't also be great with sharing, some of it is probably just personality and parenting. But it certainly echoed what I see in other kids who are onlies or have siblings.

Oh honestly! 🙄 This is just my personal experience, but I think only children tend to be quiet and gentle. They aren't used to arguments and fighting, and they are often keen to please, so I highly doubt they are the reason for bad behaviour.

Nothing at all. I can't say the same for those wanting / having, their 3rd, or 4th, though.

Nothing, never crossed my mind.

I think it’s no one else’s business/doesn’t affect anyone else and you should make choices that are right for your family/make you happy x

Someone has started a thread stating only children are the reason why there is such bad behaviour in schools nowadays.

Personally I think it depends on parenting. I was the eldest of 5 and had to grow up quickly as my parents couldn't cope.

I see families with 3 or more and it looks more like crowd control and constant squabbling. The bond parents have with an only can be pretty special. You can feel lonely in any family no matter how big or small. Single children don't live in a vacuum.

I decided I didn't want lots of children leading to the eldest inevitably getting pushed into being mini parents. I didn't plan to stop at one but my daughter said she feels she had the best of both worlds. Spending lots of time with other children but then having privacy, quiet time and attentive parents.

I must say that all the adult only children I know are lovely people - kind, caring, very thoughtful and not in the least bit selfish (which is obviously a stereotype that tends to follow only children). Therefore I don't think a sibling is necessary to develop these qualities.

However I do think a lifelong relationship with a sibling can be a beneficial thing, assuming it is a positive one (which I know there is no guarantee of).

The number of children a couple chooses to have is their own business, but since you’re looking for opinions I think have a sibling is very beneficial for children. Helps them learn about sharing space, getting along, resolving differences, cooperation, etc. plus the relationship you have with a sibling is likely to be the longest relationship you have in your lifetime. All this isn’t to say there aren’t good reasons to have only one child.