Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

All the adult only children I know have good, strong friendship groups and get on well with their parents. The younger only children I know tend to be more mature and better behaved than those with siblings. I think they grasp the importance of friendship early because they don’t have siblings around.

Of course there is nothing quite like a good sibling relationship but when it goes wrong it can be awful.

I think there is so much negativity on this thread, and sadly it reflects what a lot of people still think of only children and those deciding to have only children. I have struggled with my choice to have another child, not because we aren’t completely content with one and quite frankly living our dream life (because we can)…but because of other people’s opinions, other people saying things like ‘they need a built in friend’. Do you know how heartbreaking it is when someone says they will be lonely in the future because people always choose their family over friends and make out their is basically no hope for your only child?! I am one of four siblings and would turn to my best friend before any of them, in fact I barely even speak to my brother. People need to stop commenting on other people’s choices.

I met my best friend at 12 and we still speak several times a week 25 years later. She's truly more family to me than my own siblings. We spent all our school years together, clubbing together, holidays and now children together. We have more memories together than I do with my sibling I feel. You sound a wonderful mum, I'm sure your DS will be absolutely fine.

Thanks so much. DS is 12. He's just been diagnosed with epilepsy (not that has any bearing on this topic!) He has what is turning out to be a close friend who he plays games with every day and they have been to each other's houses. But friendships at this age are fleeting.

My friendship group spends much more time with friends than family. Maybe because a number of us have moved away from family. But you have to make the effort

Thank you for the compliment!

I am so sorry that has been your experience. Your fears and worries are of course completely understandable. How old is your DS if you don't mind me asking? You must remember things never stay static for you and your DS. You'll meet people over the course of your life as will your DS. Sometimes community and friends happen when you least expect it.

Family and birth rates are falling for a variety of reasons and I don't like the general shaming of it always being women's fault of either leaving it too late to have children or pressuring women to have children (or more children than they have) that they neither want or have the resources to cope with.

Yes, 100% this.

Yep, I'm having counselling at the moment to help me adapt to being a carer for my dad. No help from sibling.

And the greatest support for me when my mum passed was my DH and a close friend.

I'm sorry that's been your experience.

In my antenatal group, of five of us with 2.5yo, only one has opted to have a second. But there is definitely a lot of support between us - mutual pet sitting, baby sitting, sharing of equipment, and snacks are 100% communal (Inc catering for dietary restrictions).

We were all a bit bereft the weekends we weren't able to see each other, and we spent more time with each other over christmas than we did with our families (in fact we're doing Easter Sunday together). Perhaps you do need that nucleus of onlys, or maybe we're just lucky.

Bellaunion I massively agree with your post about how, if you are looking, you can easily find a study to suit your opinions and beliefs and that none of us can possibly know what will happen in the future so you can't base everything on the number of children you have. I thought it was interesting and well written.

Re. Your second post, equally well written, my experience of life and watching those around me and my small family is that unless you are part of a family with siblings, you generally aren't accepted. I would love to be able to say I am part of a community or a friendship group but it feels like this is happening less and less. It looks to me like people only bother with their own blood relatives, maybe out of feeling obligated, who knows? So perhaps they have little time and energy for anyone else. I feel that if I didn't have DH & DS, I would be very alone and that scares me for the future for DS.

Maybe as well, we need to look at these studies as instead of a sad thing but as instead as a driver to how we actually fund and structure elderly care.

Family and birth rates are falling for a variety of reasons and I don't like the general shaming of it always being women's fault of either leaving it too late to have children or pressuring women to have children (or more children than they have) that they neither want or have the resources to cope with.

This idea that the small nuclear family was meant to do the work of a village was never sustainable. We're meant to be social creatures supported by a community whether that be neighbours, friends, extended family, whoever etc. Not just mum, dad and sibling or two. This idea that that mum and dad can raise children without support or two siblings can care for their elderly parents on their own and be all the physical, emotional and social support for each other was never going to work and it's no wonder family sizes are shrinking.

I'm not sure what the answer all is but maybe smaller family sizes will force people to look for support outwith their immediate families and foster stronger social and community bonds which can only be a positive thing.

As you say further research is needed. The thing about studies is you can normally find one to suit your point of view. I'm guessing if I looked I would find one saying the amount of siblings didn't have an impact on a person's grief.

Yes in some cases sibling support will be beneficial. In many cases, poor sibling relationships actually exacerbate a person's suffering of grief.

Now I'm not downplaying how it must be for only children being the "last ones" of their family. Of course that's hard and understandable to think if you had a sibling it would lessen your grief. Maybe it would. Maybe it wouldn't. The thing is even with all the studies quoted etc, life for most of us, isn't neat and linear and black and white. A sibling is not a person's sole network as some people seem to be making it out there. And neither should be. Many people have great relationships with their siblings and many don't.

None of us know how the future will be or what will happen. Which is why to me, it seems pointless making the decisions on how many children to have based on a load of hypothetical situations that may or may not happen in the future. I know a few people who are older only children or their siblings have died and they are no children of their own or nephews or nieces either. I'm not pretending to know about their grief or how they feel. But I do know, they weren't without support and they are still there in their 60s and 70s living their life to the best they can, surrounded by friends and their partners and they speak about being happy and enjoying life.

@Strawberriesandpears and my DH was my support during bereavement, like I will be with him when the time comes for his parents

@Strawberriesandpears I’m close to having to get mental health help after caring for my DM. I have a sibling who is keeping well away. Having a sibling do nothing is adding to my struggles, as huge resentment is building

There was a report on Tuesday in the Independent which made me feel sad.

The article was called 'The key to coping with a parent’s death may be how many siblings you have'.

It was based on some research from Finland. I've copied a paragraph below:

'It looked at over 1.3 million people, among whom 12.5 per cent had lost their mother. Another group included more than one million people, of whom 23 per cent had experienced the death of their father. A key finding was that fewer siblings correlated with an increased propensity to purchase mental health medication, especially in the year after a mother's death.'

It concluded that:
'Considering the shrinking kinship networks in many ageing societies, children may face increasing strain as their parents near the end of their lives.'

It did also acknowledge that further research was needed though.

Yes this. We had to have a small wedding with just close family as we couldn't afford to invite all the cousins we never hear from anyway.

If we're talking about family weddings, my cousin (an only child), had a very small wedding. Despite the fact there were a number of similar aged cousins who all grew up together, she didn't invite any of us and just had friends there. These were the people that were important to her and she wanted to spend the day with (and there was no falling out from any of her cousins. We all still speak and I'm happy she got the day she wanted with who she wanted to spend it with).

Sometimes even with a large extended family, people still choose their own families.

Some of the very best people I know are onlies. So if there is only one type, perhaps we should insist that everyone stops at one.

That's my point. There is no 'type'. Many other onlies I have known have been great.

This is true. I am an only child with very little family. I am almost 40 and I have actually never been to a family wedding. I am not particularly bothered, but it is probably quite unusual.

So what exactly? I just said that was my experience, yours is clearly different.

Exactly. Load of nonsense that only children are a 'type' - and no, I'm not one.
I have known several and they are all entirely different in nearly every way.

So? If you reach any further you'll fall over, mate.

Yeah my late father was an only child and was selfish, aggressive and unfaithful so...

I have 4 cousins - last time I saw or spoke to any of them was at a family wedding 16 years ago

You need family to have family weddings to attend