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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum keeping whole of grandmother’s inheritance

312 replies

Virgoschild · 09/03/2026 14:59

My maternal grandmother passed around 4 years ago without a will. My mum was dealing with the estate and tbh the passing is still very raw for her.

It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.

Anyway, these assets were valued and came in at £100k (not £15k!). These have been sold and my mum and aunty have kept the proceeds. Grandchildren have received nothing and it does not appear that we will be receiving anything. There has been no further conversation about this. No acknowledgment of what was promised or any increase discussed.

Instead, my mum has mentioned ‘treating’ us now and again. Paying for a meal out or getting us gifts such as jewellery. For context, these gifts arent expensive or frequent and there is absolutely no indication that she’ll be gifting us stuff to the value of the above btw.

My mum is financially stable. No mortgage, recently retired, decent pension, my dad still works. My aunty is in a similar position. The inheritance hasn’t really made a significant impact on their lives.

A large lump sum could really change all our lives. It could go towards a deposit for a house or pay privately for an operation that my brother is on a NHS waiting list for - tbf more cosmetic than health related. So when we were told about the increase in value we all got really excited thinking what this means to us all.

I feel angry that my mum didn’t follow through on this. Coupled with the fact that we haven’t been gifted anything of meaning from my grandmothers possessions I am feeling somewhat resentful.

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter. I feel like the conversation just wouldn’t go well, especially as my mum is still so upset by the death.

So AIBU? Also if anyone has any insight which might help me understand my mums position, I’d appreciate it.

OP posts:
anyolddinosaur · 09/03/2026 18:30

No-one can know why your mother changed her mind - unless you ask her. Possibilities might include the inheritance tax and the costs of probate/ the funeral/ selling the property were all more than expected or she may have seen that you were being grabby and expecting more than the 4k she had initially suggested giving you.

Have you saved anything towards a deposit on a property? If so you could ask her if she'd be willing to help you out with the deposit or purchase costs. If not she may feel anything that goes to you would be frittered away. You could also mention your brother would benefit from his medical procedure.

PigletJohn · 09/03/2026 18:28

What country are you in? In UK you can get a copy of the probate and, if there is one, the will.

StevieNic · 09/03/2026 18:28

I’d be really annoyed that they promised something and then changed their minds. Are you sure your cousins haven’t had anything but kept it quiet.

My Mum inherited 250k from
her parents and gave nothing to her children, pissed it all away whilst refusing to work so there won’t be anything when she passes either.

WimbyAce · 09/03/2026 18:24

What are your brother and cousins saying, were they all under the understanding that they were getting a share? The only thing that you can do is ask what has changed.

MargaretThursday · 09/03/2026 18:23

I suspect in a lot of these "I was promised" cases it's down to a mismatch between what one intended to say and what the other heard.
Mum says "when we've sold the assets, then you'll get something to remember grandma too"
Meaning I'll use some of it to treat you.
What's heard is "we will divide it between you kids and give you the money"

No bad intentions on either side, just one side not being clear and the other side assuming.

juless77 · 09/03/2026 18:22

Bimblebombles · 09/03/2026 15:03

Are you 100% sure there was no will? You can find them online.

Can you I never knew that ??

thepariscrimefiles · 09/03/2026 18:20

Firtreefiona · 09/03/2026 15:07

Why not? If there was no will then they have acted in accordance with the law. Why should they act on what the grandmother may or may not have declared that her wishes were? OP should concentrate on building her own life using her own means. I do find her attitude grabby.

Show quote history

OP's mum and aunt both originally promised that that OP, her brother and her two cousins would receive an equal split of £15,000 from some miscellaneous items and cash so about £4k each. Now that these assets have been valued at £100k rather than £15k, OP's mum and aunt are keeping the lot despite their earlier promise to their children.

They seem more grabby than OP.

Sgreenpy · 09/03/2026 18:19

You can check the details of probate (if there was a will) for your grandma if you know her full name, date of birth/death and place of death.
It costs a small fee to see what her estate was valued at and what happened to the funds.
You are really entitled to nothing if a will wasn't lodged with a solicitor.
I guess as PP have mentioned why not just gather your cousins and ask for £4k each as was promised? x

LadeOde · 09/03/2026 18:19

EnfysPreseli · 09/03/2026 16:20

I think it's very unfortunate that the OP's mother made that promise before she knew whether she would definitely be keeping it. I do have some sympathy for her though and think that financial insecurity can become more of a worry in retirement.

I had an inheritance nearly a decade ago and made the decision to pass nearly half of it on to my children straight away because they were at a stage of life where it would be very useful for them. I was still working and had no anxieties about doing this.

I'm likely to receive another inheritance sometime in the future, but my feelings about passing it on have gradually changed. I'm now retired and not being able to earn additional cash if it's ever needed due to major problems with the house or some other emergency. This will probably make me want to hang onto it more. I think in my case I would probably make gifts to my children and grandchildren in line with the HMRC limits every year, even if I don't feel confident enough to pass on a lump sum.

I think OP needs to talk to her mother about what her plans are for the money. I think disappointment is understandable, but the bitterness is unreasonable because there was never any obligation to pass on any money under the law.

Why is it any of OP's business what her mum's plan's are for the money?

GnomeDePlume · 09/03/2026 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DM promised then went back on her promise. OP is trying to understand why.

Nothing grabby or entitled about that.

YerArseInParsley · 09/03/2026 18:15

Virgoschild · 09/03/2026 14:59

My maternal grandmother passed around 4 years ago without a will. My mum was dealing with the estate and tbh the passing is still very raw for her.

It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.

Anyway, these assets were valued and came in at £100k (not £15k!). These have been sold and my mum and aunty have kept the proceeds. Grandchildren have received nothing and it does not appear that we will be receiving anything. There has been no further conversation about this. No acknowledgment of what was promised or any increase discussed.

Instead, my mum has mentioned ‘treating’ us now and again. Paying for a meal out or getting us gifts such as jewellery. For context, these gifts arent expensive or frequent and there is absolutely no indication that she’ll be gifting us stuff to the value of the above btw.

My mum is financially stable. No mortgage, recently retired, decent pension, my dad still works. My aunty is in a similar position. The inheritance hasn’t really made a significant impact on their lives.

A large lump sum could really change all our lives. It could go towards a deposit for a house or pay privately for an operation that my brother is on a NHS waiting list for - tbf more cosmetic than health related. So when we were told about the increase in value we all got really excited thinking what this means to us all.

I feel angry that my mum didn’t follow through on this. Coupled with the fact that we haven’t been gifted anything of meaning from my grandmothers possessions I am feeling somewhat resentful.

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter. I feel like the conversation just wouldn’t go well, especially as my mum is still so upset by the death.

So AIBU? Also if anyone has any insight which might help me understand my mums position, I’d appreciate it.

Why didn't you bring it up wjen your mum mentioned treating you now and again? That was your opportunity.

It's been 4 years, id ask about it. You don't need to be confrontational, just ask why you didn't receive the money she promised you.

Superhansrantowindsor · 09/03/2026 18:15

It would be nice for your mum to give you something but ultimately it’s her money. Never, ever expect an inheritance.

mcmuffin22 · 09/03/2026 18:00

BillieWiper · 09/03/2026 17:55

I don't see how you can know how all these funds were to be split when there's no will. If there's no will then it just all goes to NOK.

Presuming you personally aren't NOK to the deceased I think you probably should just leave it.

Any monies coming to you would be strictly on a good will basis if there's nothing legal backing up these supposed promised funds.

Did you miss the bit where op said her mum and aunt told the 4 grandchildren they would each get a share of the grandmother's assets? That's how they knew. They were told.

JustSawJohnny · 09/03/2026 17:56

Mum sounds grabby and I think she needs telling so.

Who wants the odd treat of jewellery when they have a family to raise?

Really quite selfish behaviour, IMO.

BillieWiper · 09/03/2026 17:55

I don't see how you can know how all these funds were to be split when there's no will. If there's no will then it just all goes to NOK.

Presuming you personally aren't NOK to the deceased I think you probably should just leave it.

Any monies coming to you would be strictly on a good will basis if there's nothing legal backing up these supposed promised funds.

flowertoday · 09/03/2026 17:54

My parents' wills were revised before my father died to primarily benefit his grandchildren and two nieces.
I think it is a great idea to do this. No sense or need as much for middle aged adults to inherit when it is likely to be the generation below who could benefit most.
My dad was always good with money bless him 🙏 ❤️❤️❤️

likelysuspect · 09/03/2026 17:52

MrsStarskie · 09/03/2026 17:50

Who dealt with the probate and selling the assets?
What gave them authority to do that? Property Stocks & Shares?
The authority for those actions and dealing with funeral and HMRC is a will.
The person who usually takes charge is a solicitor.
So follow the money.
I suspect there was a will and I would want to speak to the Solicitor who sold Assets worth £100,000. No one is going to do that casually. Solicitors would be very cautious.
Where are the accounts? The itemised sale details. What costs were involved what bank account was the money paid into?
Because of the money laundering regulations there will be a trail. You can't ask for £that sort of money in used notes these days. .

When there is no will, you approach a solicitor and ask them to act on your behalf to go through probate. You can go through probate yourself but it can be a lot of work

My mum had to do this, there was no will, she instructed a solicitor and was the executor. We wouldnt have managed probate ourselves without a solicitor it would have been to complex.

DemBonesDemBones · 09/03/2026 17:50

Wealth always travels down in my family. My Grandparents cleared their children’s mortgages and the entirety of what my parent received when my Grandparents died was split between me and my siblings. I will do the same with any inheritance from my parent-it will go to my children.

MrsStarskie · 09/03/2026 17:50

Who dealt with the probate and selling the assets?
What gave them authority to do that? Property Stocks & Shares?
The authority for those actions and dealing with funeral and HMRC is a will.
The person who usually takes charge is a solicitor.
So follow the money.
I suspect there was a will and I would want to speak to the Solicitor who sold Assets worth £100,000. No one is going to do that casually. Solicitors would be very cautious.
Where are the accounts? The itemised sale details. What costs were involved what bank account was the money paid into?
Because of the money laundering regulations there will be a trail. You can't ask for £that sort of money in used notes these days. .

PigletJohn · 09/03/2026 17:45

Look on the bright side, one day you might get to choose her care home.

2boyzNosleep · 09/03/2026 17:34

Oh that is upsetting.

Your only option is to ask what made her change her mind, however, despite the promises, it is her money now to do as she pleases.

However, given that any wealth for us common folk is sucked up by care costs, I do think it is selfish for parents/grandparents hold onto their money until they unfortunately pass (only if they have been comfortable financially in retirement).

likelysuspect · 09/03/2026 17:34

What was the property ofyour grandmother OP, was it one of those retirement properties that were difficult to sell and racked up a load of charges during the period of the estate?

Just wondering if that might have been part of the issue.

YerMotherWasAHamster · 09/03/2026 17:34

If she's changed her mind theres nothing you can do about it

The money can be used by her to buy any and all help and support she needs for the rest of her life, which is good. It means she won't need your help for anything, which you can tell her. Maybe suggest she puts some aside to pay for her care in years to come.

pocketpairs · 09/03/2026 17:31

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LoveWine123 · 09/03/2026 17:28

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter.

Well your mum now looks like a money grabbing mother to you so there is that. Lots of people will come and tell you that you are not entitled to anything, that you don’t have a legal claim, etc. and they would be right. However I don’t think your thread is about that at all. It’s about your mum and her decision not to deliver on her promise to you and her unwillingness to help you financially when she has the means and when you need it most. Personally I could never do that to my children. I’m sorry you are experiencing this, OP. As a mother myself, the first thing I would want to do in a similar situation is make sure my kids are all set.