Mum keeping whole of grandmother’s inheritance

I did.

Yes. Her mother. So not at all similar. No one's wishes for their estate were usurped after their death. A mother and her sister changed their minds about making a gift, offered in the midst of grief, to their children once the estate was fully understood.

"It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each."

The Grandmother might not have made promises, but her own mother did.

It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.

How was it made clear and if it was so clear why can you not ask about the 4k (and only the 4k) in a non-confrontational / non-money grabbing way? She didn't make you any promises about what turned out to be a much larger amount than 4k, but what did she explicitly say to you, your brother and your cousins about this predicted 4k amount? You need to tell her that you and your brother always understood there would be about 4k coming to you, and whilst you very much appreciate her idea of giving gifts, actually a lump sum of a few thousand pounds could make a big difference for you. If she doesn't want to give it, she doesn't want to. If she wants to see you and your brother (I assume you and he are unified on this matter?) as awful and money-grabbing arseholes for gently raising the question, then that's also what she wants to do and maybe you will get some perspective on what the relationship between you and your mother is in reality.

Never understood why people leave to charity when they have family 😲

How sad that your mum wouldn’t want to help you out. I’d be really upset by this and probably go NC for a bit!

Understood, but you'll get no resolution unless you do ask her. Do you have so done who could help you construct a reasonable way to approach this with her? Based on the renegging of what she promised, that's the important point

The money is still in your mother's keeping.

Make headway in saving for a property and, once ready to search, ask your mother directly if she would like to contribute anything, always prepared for her to say NO.

It could be that all of you four are not as stable in your intentions to put money into a home purchase. Your mother and her aunt might be safekeeping what they think, one of you will waste right now.

Clearly one, or both of them, or their spouses; changed their mind and now disagree with their initial plan.

As for a meaningful keepsake; definitely ask your mother if there is anything personal you can have to remind you of your loving Grandmother.

This has happened in our family. My GM saved to leave each grandchild a small bequest (about £500). I think it was in her will. This was incredibly important to her. She'd told me about it for years (I told her to spend it!). When she passed, at least one of her DC didn't pass it down to their DC because I was told to never mention it to cousins. Apparently they had helped their DC enough & needed the money.

DM couldn't keep my share because I knew about it (suspect she would have otherwise). I know she withheld other money from me, that she told MIL about, and I was relieved as we desperately needed it, just getting married. I wasn't entitled legally, so never said anything, but 25 years on it still makes me angry. DM would definitely have spent it on yet more (overpriced) clothes she didn't need, not ever wear.

So I've learned that people are greedy & fairness goes out the window. Until you have the money, don't count it.

I would be very hurt @Virgoschild and I cant imagine doing that to my children.
They dont wanna help you = you dont have to help them, that would be my position.
I'd make the right noises so as to score some points (like they did) but when push came to shove I wouldn't put myself out or make any sacrifices on their account.

It’s really shit OP. Especially since you have stated how much a cash figure would help you and your brother out

Id ask cousins if they have received anything - if so I would take this to your mum.

As a mother, in that situation I’d want to ensure my children were given a decent uplift. As you have quite rightly said, it’s not like she desperately ‘needs’ the money.

Yes me too. My mother has an instrument valued at 40k. She's leaving it to charity and I'd thought she'd leave it to her grandchildren. Felt disappointing given how much they will need the money in the future

I voted that yABU because the money has followed the legal lines of inheritance, so you can't expect any. However, your mother made a promise, that for some reason she hasn't followed through on. There may be a good reason for this, or not. The only thing you can and should do is say something like, "Mum, I don't want to appear money grabbing but you said x would be divided among us grandchildren. Can I just ask what is happening with that? I know we have no entitlement but it would be really helpful if that was happening. I just want to clarify what is happening with that."

I would take a big breath and calmly ask your mum to explain why she changed her mind. Be prepared for a legitimate reason (although she should have told you). I wouldn't let her know you had hoped for a house deposit until you've heard her out. Think carefully about whether that is appropriate to mention at any point, depending on what she says. It may or may not be but it could ruin your relationship, at least for a while. I think 4 years is long enough for most people to talk about an inheritance unless she has complicated grief.

Erm…. You’re agreeing with my view.

Im not sure why you keep demanding people 're read'. I read it, I took from it what I said.

Dont patronise me. Im not unclear.

It’s frustrating and confusing for OP, which is why she posted.

@Rachie1973 the £100k is just the bonus extra. The bulk of the inheritance is that house, which was always going to go solely OP’s Mum and Aunt. And at this stage I think OP would be happy with the £4k she was promised.

@likelysuspect This is what OP said:-
”It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.”

OP made it clear that the vast majority of the inheritance (the house) was going to her Mum and Aunt, but that they’d expected to find about £15k of miscellaneous assets and cash, which they’d share out between the grandchildren. However this estimated £15k turned out to be £100k. Despite it being actually MORE than expected, the money that was promised to the grandchildren hasn’t been forthcoming. None of it.

I think this thread is a shining example of why everyone should make a will.

I understand your feelings here OP. Why don't you have a serious heart to heart with your mum & say a little help would go a long way & it hurts knowing you have nothing of your grandmother's estate. It may not amount to anything but in the same breath I dont feel its at all grabby.

I'd just ask your mum.

I hate the thought that my kids couldn't just ask me anything, even if it had the potential to be a bit uncomfortable. Its just a conversation!

How old are your mum & auntie?

I am in my 60s, mortgage paid, will be ok for pension, but even so I worry & could see myself wanting to keep hold of any extra.

That's not to say it wasn't unkind to make a promise & not follow through.

I think you were/are reasonable to be disappointed about the 4K but a bit presumptuous to get excited/assume you would be getting 25K and your Mum might have been upset that you were getting excited about it (especially if she is grieving). I think 60 year olds can look quite comfortable but it gets quite scary as you get older/approach retirement- especially considering the cost of care. I would talk to your Mum.

It’s a tricky one, as legally the proceeds of the will are for your mum & auntie. My mum has my brother and I as the beneficiaries of her estate, and she mentioned recently about whether she should have her will changed to leave a specific amount to her grandchildren (my brother and I have 3 DC each). She said she knows I will give my 3 a sum of money, but suspects my brother will not. To be fair though, my brother and I will likely both still a lot of mortgage and will be fair from rich.

But of course I will still give my 3 some money. My mum hasn’t indicted how much. When my Nanna died, my mum gave my brother and I £1000 each, back in the early 90’s.

I can totally understand why you’re annoyed and it does seem really unfair. I think that’s why its important to have your wishes listed on your will, as you can’t rely on a verbal agreement.