To not want to punish DD during my custody time?

Exactly 💯
Im sure he mentioned to the parents that he forgot the gift and would bring it to school.

Being sad is fine, sulking and therefore potentially bringing down the mood of an entire party isn't OK. The "compromise" I'd be giving here is Cheer up and enjoy the party or go home.

She's 6 years old. Regulating your emotions just because an adult tells you to isn't really a thing at that age.

He messed up and handled it really badly.

I think that’s extreme. He already said we’ll give the present at school. He had a problem with the sulking the whole time she was at the party, which isn’t ok

I think that missing an event a week later is too extreme a punishment and impinges too much on your parenting time.

If she'd done something serious, like been suspended from school, fighting, stealing etc., then I would think it was good co-parenting to agree on a punishment and enforce it at both houses but not for this, which is just a typical stroppy 6 yo pushing boundaries. I agree that he should have just taken her in pyjamas and made her sit on her own until she got dressed.

I would have a talk to her about that not being acceptable though.

The gymnastics is his choice, seems a bit of a weird and disconnected punishment to me.

you think dragging the party kid away from having fun to appease your daughter is reasonable and fair on that child. To comfort your child so she would feel better and potentially wreck the surprise of what’s in the present (which by all accounts the most exciting thing) you’re putting to much emphasis on her feelings above what’s reasonable, things aren’t going to go her way, your daughter is only 6. I agree she can’t help feeling and acting out. Thats why we teach them at this age to behave appropriately. I probably would have asked another parent to watch her whilst I ran back and got the present, but my gosh she’d have had some consequences to teach her to not try ruin someone else’s day. I think there’s an over pandering from you and a lack of patience from the dad. He needs to chill out abit and you need to firm up a little.

This level of compromise and reassuring would not be necessary for the vast majority of children.

I think you and your ex are at opposite ends of the spectrum here. I don’t think either of you are bad parents, but ultimately you could read the situation as him being too authoritative and inconsistent, and you spoiling her and being over-indulgent.

The result is your kid is unhappy because she has inconsistent rules. You need to meet him in the middle.

You ignored my earlier question about whether she has issues with authority and talking back at school…

Yeah i think your parenting styles are VERY different. Yours seems to be a bit frilly, and his seems to be more authoritarian.

And that's possibly the issue... they are EXTREMELY different so she's going to be very disregulated.

I agree. He forgot it and instead of apologising or trying to fix the situation, he wants to punish his daughter for being upset by HIS mistake. I really dislike that kind of attitude. He needs to take responsibility for upsetting his daughter but blames her for being upset instead. It's such classic toxic male behaviour!

He sounds like a dick. Surely they don’t live so far away that he couldn’t possibly have gone back for it?

Or she could just be really sensitive. Being upset at her friend (not herself) not getting a present doesn't say 'spoiled brat' to me.

That doesn’t mean some children might not be really stressed about this. Have literally never seen a present given at school so I can see why she’d not be ok at that age, my eldest might have refused to go in too. This is 100% on the parent and he needs to own that .

I disagree with the idea that a parent tells a child what to do/wear/say/how to behave and they must instantly do it without question, otherwise they are bad children. Maybe they are sometimes, but kids are people with their own opinions too. Most kids go through stages when they absolutely refuse to wear trousers/dresses/pink things/tracksuits (my kids went through all of those) and if your child only likes wearing tracksuits but you insist on frilly dresses like they're in Little House on the Prairie, then you're creating a rod for your own back and IMHO that's on you. A lot of parenting IS negotiating, and if you're completely didactic and inflexible, you're going to end up either with a meek and mild child, or one that pushes back and you're endlessly punishing. 'Picking your battles' is about 50% of parenting.

Which is a long way of saying that I disagree with some of the posts saying the OP's child has been naughty and deserves punishing. a) she wasn't there so doesn't know and b) it does sound like her ex is inconsistent and didactic. That's the trouble with co-parenting in separate houses - it's hard to back the other up completely when you don't really know what's happened.

Yes interested in what you’d have done. I probably would have been quite annoyed at that!

I’d either have said “don’t worry I will
speak to Mina’s mummy and explain, she’ll tell Mina and it won’t be a problem.” I think my kids would have accepted it.

If she was being rude or really moody I probably would have suggested we go back for the present if it was close by but made it clear that she would miss the first half hour and that she had to cheer up and not be rude otherwise the best thing might be to give the whole thing a miss.

But I suspect most of this is in the delivery- I have met many dads whose reaction is to escalate rather than diffuse with boundaries and it’s a difficult skill to learn.

I agree with you about your plans not being affected but he has a point on this. That would cheese me off. She was upset over a present but most kids would get over it within minutes. The fact she did this for the duration of the party suggests she’s being a little bit spoilt. She’s too young to know her actions make others feel, her sulking could have bought the atmosphere down and it’s important they learn that as & when they do it. Making excuses isn’t really going to help her regulate her feelings to suit, cause all you’re teaching her by doing that is an expectation that everyone should consider and understand her feelings regardless of the circumstances. I would not have been happy to get this feed back and if she was to return to me after that party and the dad didn’t have time to sort out consequences I surely would .

Is there a reason he is resistant to the reward charts?
It’s fine for him to stick to his own style of parenting but not to then impose punishments on your time with her. Quite short sighted of him to cancel gymnastics as well.

Your DD's Dad should have expressed sadness that DD forgot the gift and assured her that she should just remember to give the gift at school on Monday, and to tell her friend that.

Your daughter seems dramatic and extra sensitive.
She will adjust to her Dad's way of succinct communication and just getting on with things.

I’m horrified that he thinks an acceptable punishment is cancelling gymnastics. Sport is so so important for kids, plus it helps their behaviour, learning discipline and how to follow instructions. He needs better ways to manage her. Agree that he needs to do a parenting class.

I’m sorry but someone who cannot get their 6 year old dressed, severe SEN issues aside, is simply a rubbish parent. He needs to get up on time, get a plan in place and sort her out. Or frankly, I’d have plopped her in the car in her pj’s and I bet she’d have been ready to get dressed by the time they rolled into the car park. It only took one time driving my 13 year old to the bus stop in her pj’s for her to make sure she was dressed and ready for school on time every morning. 🙄 She’s 6. He needs to enforce his own boundaries. Not get you to do it because he’s too lazy.

You’ve tried to meet him halfway, he’s refused but you’re meant to be the one that doles out the punishment. If he takes his daughter to gymnastics and pays then again that’s up to him if he cancels it. He could just not go for 1 week as a preemptive to cancelling so she knows he means business. I wouldn’t be cancelling your plans. I would tell your ex that he needs to find his own parenting plan and to leave you out of it. She doesn’t miss behave for you

He doesn't get to impose sanctions that apply to your time without your prior consent .

Yeah I would've been cross with her too about that.

I've been to and had plenty of parties where the present has been given at school instead.

And let's face it, plenty of people will be walking past that table if their present is a card with money inside.

They'll normally hand that straight to the parents.