To not want to punish DD during my custody time?

I agree she shouldn’t have sulked through the party as that was unkind to the party child. I do think he could have avoided the sulk with a little kindness, which would have been better than punishing after the event.

Really? I think most of MN would say, "Fair enough, next time, she'll probably get dressed."

Hecan't impose punishments in your time. It must be very difficult for children whose parents have this 50/50 custody arrangement. I don't think it's a good idea.

Cancelling a sports club is a really bad punishment. Take away screen time or something! That's just awful.

And no he shouldnt say to her she can't do stuff on your weekends.

In times of desperation I have resorted to rewards / possibly what you'd call bribery. And I have physically put my son under my arm like an ironing board to get out of a situation where it was going to blow. Desperate measures....

I would have forced in car and forced a top over PJs if the other stuff didn't work. But I appreciate i'd probably be accused of abuse. It's a difficult dynamic in these situations unfortunately.

I think this just underlines how difficult 50/50 parenting is and how damaging it can be for young children, especially when parents have very different parenting styles. Two different households, two different sets of expectations and the child is supposed to manoeuvre their way through it. In your shoes OP, the person I'd be very firm with is your Ex. You need to make him understand that unless you work together on this, your daughter will be the one to suffer.
You both need to make her transition between your two homes as seamless as possible so that in effect, she is living the same life in two different places. Your current arrangement might suit the two adults involved, but it doesn't suit the child whose needs should be of paramount importance.

All these people advising he should have 'put her in the car' PJs and all

I can imagine the thread - exH manhandled our daughter and put her physically in the car, she was upset and didnt want to get dressed and he just took her to a party in front of everyone in her PJs - should I restrict access

MN - never let him see her again, he is controlling and abusive.

this. It sounds like he knows he is failing at parenting and won't admit it. I wonder if your daughter says things like "at Mums I do it this way" or "Why can't I do it the way I do at Mum's" Its also possible that she doesn't trust his words because she is missing the stability there. So when he says things like "it'll be fine you can give it at school" she doesn't feel reassured because she doesn't believe it.

I think that in the same situation I'd have taken DD to one side and told her firmly that her sulking was more upsetting for the birthday girl than her forgetting the present and she needed to buck up or we would leave. There's a time and place for feeling all your feelings and sometimes we have to paste a smile on and get on with it. Sulking through a birthday party isn't being sensitive to someone else's feelings, it's main character energy. She is only 6 but it's a good time to learn not everything is about her.

I feel like I’m going against the grain here OP but I only ever worried about the behavior of my dc post divorce while under my care. My ex was unreasonable and intolerable and he created alot of problems for himself. His household while well financed was chaotic starting with marrying a woman with 5 children by 3 different marriages and trying to blend these families almost
immediately.
If your ex wanted 50/50 then he needs to parent 50/50 as will you. No way would I impose any restrictions on my plans on my time because of anything he says.
both my dc where eventually told by a counselor ( that he selected for them and paid for they didn’t go to counseling in my time) that the problems originated with their dad. Interestingly our marriage counselor told me the same. It could be what he interprets as not listening or not behaving as originating with him and his poor communication/ parenting
he can cancel the gymnastics if it’s his time and his dime but he’s going to find this type of punishment will be remembered and resented as dd becomes older.

my ex always took away the Nintendo game boy which I bought and paid for during my time. Sent DS home without it. Still
annoys me and DS

He sounds like a big baby himself tbqh, he really missed his mothers birthday party because he couldn't get his 7 year old to put her clothes on? Come on! He needs to be the adult here. And I absolutely would not be changing my plans because he said so!

You’re very adamant that your way is right and that ex is wrong, without considering that a lot of people have come up with the same conclusion that you and your ex need to meet in the middle here. The person suffering (not enjoying her friend’s party, not going to her gran’s party, having gymnastics cancelled) is your daughter.

This dynamic is really common even in households where the parents are together. Good cop (often mum) communicates and placates, whilst bad cop (often dad) is authoritative and frustrating. But whilst they can be balanced under one roof, that’s not happening here.

You need to talk to your ex again and come up with strategies that work for all of you.

It’s tempting to be good cop and enjoy feeling like your daughter loves you more and you get on with her better, but that’s not what’s best for her.

You sound incredibly apologetic for your ex. Someone who never apologises ever and can't see where they're wrong is not a shining example of a decent human being to me.
And I know, so so many of them are like this. I would not underestimate his potential to be very immature and controlling during his parenting time tbh.

You are expected to fix this, is that a pattern with him. Very childish.

Is it possible to move away from 50)50 and more towards 70/30 with you. I feel very sorry for kids in this 50/50 situation. I don't believe it's in their best interests. But I know how hard it might be to change that.

Cancelling gym sounds pathetic because it's a positive, healthy, regulating activity. Choosing to cancel that sounds like an adult tantrum.

Missing his mum's day over PJs - no that doesn't add up to me. Put her in the car in the PJs, offer a reward for going and not moaning. Anything. It all sounds juvenile.

Id personally encourage him not to cancel gym and explain it will help regulate her mood and behaviour because of the exercise and opportunity to achieve done so he will possibly shoot himself in the foot.

Offer instead to talk about it with daughter and let her understand how important the birthday was and it's was not ok to be so difficult. I'd try understand exactly what's going on underneath all this. She'd probably rather be with you and maybe a part of you can't face hearing that. I understand this myself, it's very difficult and upsetting as a mum 💐.

It's not reasonable for you to have to impose punishments during your time for an incident that you weren't present for or affected by like this. Nor is it reasonable for him to unilaterally decide to remove educational or developmental opportunities like gymnastics from her as punishment - he can impose consequences in his own time and by removing treats and optional extras, not things that are genuinely beneficial to her.

However it there are a few things that are possible that aren't clear yet -

• is it possible that she had got dressed but exDH was mistaken that she was still in PJs? Tbh a lot of times I look at 7yos girls around town and they look like they are in PJs to me but it's just a style of clothing I am not used to
• is it possible that she is acting-out more with DH because the 50:50 split is stressful to her? 50:50 works for some families but if it's not working for her then exDH and you need to rethink.

Only agree to punish/inact consequences instantly.

I think this is the advice for training dogs, isn't it?

This. I think you need to step right back and let him parent the way he wants to. You have offered suggestions and ideas and he has rebuffed them.

The more responsibility you take for managing DD on his time, the less he takes. You DD needs to learn how things work in her two homes, after all she does that fine between home and school ( I assume ).

Most dads dont keep up 50;50 in the long term, you need to be prepared that he might start having her less and less.,

I agree... I would have been mortified too and still would.

But clearly by the time they arrived at the party she wasn't regulated enough.to.enjoy that party and that has consequences for other people.

I really think the issue here is that the 2 homes are polar opposites. Mum's house is very much feelings and pandering (that OP is conveying as "compromise") whereas Dads house is a bit more authorities and do what I say and do it now. Neither is right or wrong but a blend would be much better for the child.

At 6, she can understand consequences and will very quickly learn how to play there parents off against eachother.

She’s 6, she’s behaving very much as 6 year old do. Being a parent is to teach them that some behaviour is unacceptable. Sulking for a duration of someone else’s party is a selfish act, of course she doesn’t know that, but she never will if it’s not addressed and dealt with. This was a great time to teach her. If you don’t teach them at this age they’re going to learn in a much more unpleasant way. If she sulks at every thing that doesn’t go her way, she’ll find herself isolated and wondering just why people aren’t taking her feelings seriously

You have no idea how he handled it, you werent there, you dont know what exact words he used or the tone of voice. Neither does OP

What a ridiculous thing to say.

The ex could well have framed it as 'sulking' rather than her being upset because she hadn't got a present for her friend. At 6 years old, I've have been mortified at turning up to a birthday party empty-handed (I'm still like that at 50 tbh). Him telling her not to be 'silly' when it was him who forgot the present would also have really upset me. I dislike unfairness and people who are unable to take accountability for their own actions.

But you can’t do this alone, without her dad there, otherwise you’re just reinforcing that your house is where she’s heard and dad’s house is where she’s punished and that will magnify the issue rather than deal with it.

Surely it's better to be heard at one house not none? Although I agree there's some work to do around cooperation between the parents. It's hard if he'll just see it as criticism.

I think that you are all finding your way, and when DD is with you you have your way and it works well. When she is at her father's he has a different approach and it's not working. So i think you need to be clear that you are not punishing your DD for things she has done when away from you.

For the gymnastics? fine, that is up to him (on his time, he arranges it so nothing you can do anything). Your DD will learn how to cope with both parents, and if he is making her time at his miserable she will soon let you both know and you can revisit how you do contact?

He’s parenting badly and dragging you into it. If he’s not willing to listen to your advice you should stop bringing willing to hear his complaints.

I agree. I think she needed a bit of help and understanding to deal with her feelings. "Tell me how you feel." "That I'm mean/rude/a bad friend etc" and then to talk to her and acknowledge those feelings but you need to work through that so you can enjoy the party now. Then go and talk to the friend and explain what happened so that you/she don't have to feel those things are true.