To not want to punish DD during my custody time?

Inconsistent parenting is a prime cause of difficult behaviour ... I worked for CAMHS and this was the thing that shone out.
If there is any chance you can get your ex to sit down privately with you and come to some sort of consensus about discipline and sanctions? ... it will benefit everyone in the long term.

I don't think she's a spoiled brat but it does sound like Mum is from the school of thought where every emotion must be prioritised and validated and Dad is from the school of thought where emotions are to be squashed immediately and obedience is key.

There's a middle ground, where children have space to express their emotions but those emotions are not allowed to hold everyone else hostage, and it certainly doesn't require beating them.

This is the problem with seeing things very black and white. You dont know and neither does OP if he did apologise or explain, just that she was upset and he said she was silly. Well at points perhaps she was silly, children do benefit from being told that sometimes they overract, thats ok

He isnt perfect I'll bet, neither is OP and these polarised positions and advice wont help either. I said upthread they need to do parenting programmes together and then review each session to say 'how do we apply this to x' and have consistent ground rules and expectations for her.

People in their majority haven’t called her any names. They’ve pointed out mom is soft dad is strict.

You probably need to ask her very specifically what she wore for bed & what she got dressed into. The difference between PJs that are essentially a t-shirt & legging and ‘day clothes’ can be very subtle. Especially if, like my DD, she sometimes wears ordinary t-shirts to bed.

Either way, ex can’t decide that you waste tickets you’ve bought & let down another family. If he agrees to sit down & discuss parenting strategies then you might in future decide that a ‘no screen time’ punishment is appropriate to carry over from one house to the other.

It may also be worth considering whether 50:50 is the best option for DD as she gets older.

Yep, I agree. I think the mom is confusing being sensitive to being empathetic. She’s 6 she’s not capable of being completely sensitive to others. She’s only sensitive to herself. She may know that compromise in games is good & gets a positive reaction from her peers (very astute for her age) she may know asking if someone’s ok when they’re not is the done thing but the likelihood she could properly empathise is unlikely, she sounds like a clever girl that has her mom down to a T, her dad isn’t as easily manipulated. They’re both guilty of over estimating a 6 yo intentions.

You daughter sounds very much like my son. And you do seem like you give her a lot of power.
in the situation with the clothes I would have with can wear this outfit or this outfit. No other options, no options of travelling in pj’s. Their brains get too over whelmed when presented with too many choices:

indont agree that you ex should ban her from activities you have planned but if she plays up for him like this all the time then yes I would agree he shouldn’t do gymnastics for her. She knows how to behave she does at yours so she is being purposefully naughty for him

Classic Mumsnet. People on here can't wait to call young kids 'spoiled brats'. There's quite a few on here who seem to yearn for those good old Victorian times where kids had to be 'seen and not heard' and were regularly beaten.

I think 50:50 is really hard for small children, especially when parenting styles are so different. It must be very confusing and unsettling. Add to that the time she spends in the care of grandparents (which is fine), it must be difficult.

No ridiculous at all. The OP said he told her she was 'silly' and dragged her into the party crying. That tells me a lot about his parenting. He clearly didn't say 'I'm sorry for forgetting the present' and instead tried to deal with it by blustering and scolding. He'd also told her he'd give her the present to take to school but that doesn't deal with the present situation - it's in the future, which isn't a concept small children always understand terribly well. The idea of her 'sulking' after all that doesn't really make sense. It's far more likely she was just upset. Of course, everyone parents differently, but this looks like quite a cut-and-dried case of poor parenting to me.

I don’t understand some of the harsh comments about a 7yo and how she should always behave perfectly and control her emotions at this age — she’s still very young and her feelings are volatile. OP, you’re a great mother

I think he sounds too demanding with no ideas and you sound too wishy washy.

Party, if she had of been sulking in the car, I would have given dd the option cheer up or go home. If it was go home I’d have text the parent and apologised for us being absent with the present being at school Monday.

Clothes again. It would have been fine go in your pjs and loaded her into the car. When she then sulked the other end I would have offered her the bag of clothes to get dressed or she could just sit there. Her problem, her choice.

She seems to rules the roost but in different ways in both houses. In yours she gets her own way after lots of compromise and chatting and in his she just ruins the event be that her own friends or her grannies, because dad just gives up.

You need to stop stepping in. Use a parenting app for essential communication and don't give him advice.

I agree with those who say you are pandering to her super sensitive feelings too much. What about her Grandma’s feelings when her son and granddaughter didn’t show up cos she was having a tantrum? What about the birthday girl’s feeling while your daughter spent the party crying and moping?

I think you’re giving her too much power tbh.

He had said they’d give the present at school. He needs to chill out abit but I’ve also worked with kids this age and they aren’t upset for an hour over such things and isn’t 6 the perfect age to teach them that their behaviour needs to be controlled

Good point about sport. I would say this to him op. Girls especially drop out of sport when they get to secondary. He really should be encouraging a lifelong love of sport. It is so important for mental and physical health. You aren’t bringing up a child, you’re bringing up a future adult.

Exactly, to think that through the whole party she didn’t cheer up, screams more of attention seeking than of feeling sad for someone else.

I agree with you OP.
I find it really strange that adults with a fully formed brain expect young children (nit fully formed) to behave in the manner the adukt would with their understanding of situations and reasoning.
I taught infants /early years for 15 yrs. Children were iften upset, distressed by things that, as adults, we know are really non issues.
Ie forgotten packed lunch, forgotten fancy dress, non uniform £1 donations, returning signature slips, pe kit etc. Children can be very upset by it even though we know its easily sorted, that doesn't matter to them.

I would have accepted the responsibility, recognised that DD was very upset and before going in I would have reassured her that we would speak yo the party girls parent to explain, apologise and make promise to send it to school next week.

I get that, but that doesn’t mean her actions aren’t also going to upset someone. She’s a little kid so I’m not blaming her. But she did affect the atmosphere of the party & your response is to validate it and I don’t agree. I’d have explained fo her that her mood is making others feel bad. if she’s so in tune with other people’s feelings then this wouldn’t be hard for her to grasp. It irrelevant how close you are to the family. To take birthday kid away from enjoying their own party to comfort the feelings of your child is not fair. That’s not teaching her to be sensitive, it’s teaching her people need to be sensitive towards her
feeling foremost. She’s not a brat she’s 6. It’s an incident that’s neither here or there but couple it up with the refusal get dressed to celebrate someone else’s birthday does beg a question if she’s as sensitive as you think she is. I think you pander and she likes that, dad doesn’t and she plays up to get the same level off him. I think you both need to come in the middle. She doesn’t need every little feeling validated. She doesn’t need a big song and dance made by others to make sure she doesn’t sulk. He needs chill out and realise she’s a little kid. Have a conversation, impose consequences and then move on. It feels like he’s letting every incident snowball. He doesn’t want to give her the same level autonomy you do. I’m probably much closer to you in raising my kids. However, I’m very much a carrot and stick approach. They got rewarded for doing things & very much got punished for not doing. Homework, if done would get a reward. Homework not done got privileges taken away

And you would be right people would absolutely support this action at 6 years old now if it was a 16 year old im not sure they would

I find this view irritating no-one is going to disagree with a proportional response if he threw her in the car refused her cake didnt take her party clothes took away her tv time said no to chocolate until Christmas and expected you to punish on top maybe MAYBE you will get people saying he is abusive

Yep, I didnt say in my post that I dont approve of that, I would do exactly the same

But it would be portrayed on here, if the father did it, as abuse, I can guarantee it.

I wouldn't engage in his issue. No, thank you.

What on earth did his mum say?

Unless the behaviour is catastrophic one punishment is enough he could have handled the situation at the time ive literally removed my child in his underwear and put him in the car that was the first and last time he refused to leave the house (he is 17 now so says no all the time but nicely like he still thinks I might be able to pick him up and drag him out 🫢)

His mishandling of the situation is not yours to punish

I agree!