To not want to punish DD during my custody time?

@Mangelwurzelfortea totally agree, classic Mumsnet! The mental gymnastics to excuse the behaviour of a lazy manchild would be hilarious if it wasn't so pathetic.

He can't be arsed to parent consistently and doesn't want to deal with the consequences. Cancelling gymnastics and your outing is an over-reaction to a situation he probably caused and is all to his benefit. I'm intrigued by what you said about her saying what she was wearing before the meal was clean, does that mean nothing else was? Or was he just unspecific about what she should wear? I think you really need to leave her be at this point and start asking him some very specific questions, because at the very least it sounds like he's communicated poorly, at worst he F'd up and is trying to punish her to cover it up. Same goes for the present/party situation. This is a hill I would die on, because if he is scapegoating her, it needs to be called out or it will keep happening.

She clearly responds well to your parenting style OP, so keep doing what you're doing and don't you dare compromise for his comfort. Your daughter is the priority here, he needs to learn to take responsibility for the consequences of his own actions and if he won't listen to your suggestions all you can do is continue to be the safe, consistent space she can return to.

You haven't mentioned why you separated from your DD's dad, but I can hazard a guess. You've created a secure and supportive environment for your DD so she will grow up knowing what that feels like and I really admire you for that.

I don’t know how to help or advise him.

You can't, unfortunately.

Tbh, you seem to be trying to find “loophole” for her not to have been disobedient. She was asked to change. She refused. She needs to know this was wrong in your eyes and his eyes. There shouldn’t be any horse trading on whether she can call PJs, clean or not PJs or whether she can change later.

And this is not a reward chart scenario.

His mum sounds reasonable and fond of your DD, so that sounds like a really good way forward if she could have a chat with him. Good luck, Im sure you will find a way through this.

That sounds like a good idea. His mom may be able to offer some insight for you both

This.

I don’t punish mine for stuff done at his Dad’s house. He parents very differently to me and is very emotionally manipulative and I won’t have it.

Ex and I have been separated 3 years, DD is just about to turn 7

First line of first post?

(I admit I was guilty of skim reading the OP's posts at first but even I saw this!!!)

Actually you are right and context is quite important.

The Ex's parenting does seem to be inconsistent and ineffective (I have been back and re-read all the OP's posts as I just skim read earlier)

I think the inconsistency explains why the child is struggling?

I am not sure what the answer is really? I wonder if 50/50 is always going to be the arrangement for the OP?

I think if a generally well behaved child starts acting out, something is wrong and reaching for punishment first is not the way to go. He needs to connect and communicate with her properly if he wants a good long term relationship. I feel sorry for her, the examples you give are things my similarly aged DD would worry about and be anxious about and I wouldn’t dream of being cross with her, behaviour is communication so what is she trying to communicate?

My stepchild began to act out really badly with dad and this age - partly because he had always been 'fun dad' and ignored her behaviour and then when she was no longer a cute toddler, he didn't know how to enforce consequences. She tested the boundaries and their relationship massively deteriorated. I am sure for her it was about not wanting to leave her mum's house and stay in a different home with different rules too...and that age where they start to play up to see what you will tolerate. I'd be really clear with your ex that he needs to invest in boundary setting and being consistent now, because my DH and his daughter's relationship has broken down to the extent that she will barely see him now and he is heartbroken (though I did warn him that it would happen if he didn't start seeing that boundaries and consistency make a child feel safe, not inconsistent fun and then losing it when you've had enough of the 'funny' behaviour.)

OP, may I ask why you separated from your ex-H so quick after your daughter's birth? The issues and inability to agree might stem from this.

It might be worth having a chat over what behaviour you would consider to carry over. She’s seven, so it won’t be much, but say she was caught bullying. That’s the sort of thing I’d expect my daughter’s father to carry over. Poor behaviour during his time I wouldn’t. But I would have a chat with her and ask why and explain it isn’t on.

This.

She's already been punished by not being taken to the event with her Grandmother who she always behaves well for, and by feeling her father's resentment all day and being called the reason why he missed the event. He missed the event because HE couldn't manage her or find anyway to get her ready, other than issuing threats. And I'm sure he's probably told her that he's cancelling her class and telling you all about how "bad" she is and that you will be punishing her too. She's six, and trying to cope with moving between two homes.

F* that!

He sounds like an intolerant knee jerk reaction "do what I say or else" kind of person.

Cancelling the whole gymnastics class from now on... seems like an extremely harsh punishment. It gives no incentive for her to be good as it cannot be restored if she's lost her place on the class. Cancelling one lesson, and saying she can go the following week if she behaves would have been more appropriate.

I would also think that he doesn't like going there or paying for it and is using this as an excuse. But what is he going to replace it with?
Sitting at home with her whilst she watches TV? Less effort for him, certainly.

Afterschool fun groups were the highlight of my DC's week and they looked forward to them so much. I would never permanently cancel them, particularly when a five minute chat would have solved the problem. School is hard enough.

Children need activities and exercise and going to a familiar class is probably very helpful for a six year old and a chance to unwind after a long day at school sitting behaving. Something that she really enjoys being taken away permanently is crap parenting IMHO. A punishment that lasts long after the event that caused it.

The problem with having big "punishments" on top of anger and resentment is what comes next when they do something considered even worse?

He has to learn how to encourage his six year old daughter to get dressed without all this fuss and "punishment" (a word I hate) And learn to communicate better with her in the first place.

I have 3 DC, all different personalities and aged almost 7 all of them would have understood needing to dress to go to granny's house or giving the forgotten present at a later date - even my youngest who had SEN would be okay in these situations.

But surely that is because of how you parent and how you would deal with that situation? If he is erratic and lazy in how he parents, (finding something funny one minute, but getting angry about it the next, not listening when she tries to explain something, making demands with no middle ground) surely it is no surprise that he is getting an erratic response from her.. she's not a robot, he needs to model the behaviour he wants at the very least.

And with regards to the forgotten present, I'd be upset if I was her that my dad forgot it in the first place, refused to go and get it, and then instead of taking responsibility for HIS mistake with her and with the party parent (which would have made all the difference IMO), he just pretended to everyone he had done nothing wrong and her mood was down to her 'just being sulky'.

OP may be too far the other way, but he sounds like a shit parent to be honest, I'm all for kids doing as they're told, but that has to be structured in some way, he wants immediate results without putting in any effort whatsoever.

In what insane universe should a biological father feel physically unable to change the PJs of his own daughter?!! (And she's 7, not 16)

Unless you're insinuating something far more disturbing.

I'm guessing as a male he didn't want to physically take her pjs off her or be embarrassed enough to take her out in her PJS!

I can totally relate.
My dp's parenting style couldn't be any further apart from mine. My DD is a very strong willed, fantastic little girl with many great qualities but she is also emotionally immature, and very much a perfectionist and people pleaser.
My dp is harsh, very shouty and basically thinks she should have no opinion and do what he says when he says it. I am too soft because for years i try to make up for his harshness by being too kind and i know neither of our parenting styles are what is best but i do know that his parenting is not the right way.
Dd is an absolute angel in school (teachers words not mine) and i don't struggle with her day to day, but i do think she holds alot of emotion in at school as she doesn't like to be told off or get things wrong and she often comes home and is very cheeky, forgets manners and is rude or appears to be very moody and i think this is because when she gets home she can let these emotions out. I don't allow her to be rude etc so she will be called out on this but i do it sensitively and we talk about it and she will apologise whereas my dp would just shout, tell her to not be rude, cheeky etc, she would cry and then be told to stop crying etc and it will escalate.
My dp also will not be consistent, if she does something she perhaps shouldn't but he finds funny he might laugh and not tell her off but then when she does it again he will go nuts and shout.

There's plenty more examples but i wont go on.

With your situation with your ex, i absolutely wouldn't go along with his punishment when she is on your time, i understand the need to not confuse her with different parenting styles but especially when you are not together he can't dictate plans you have made when as you say you haven't even seen the behaviours that he thinks are deserving of this punishment. He has to find ways to give out consequences that don't impact your plans.

Consequences need to be there in the moment and directly related to the incident not a week later, whether it’s on your time or his

an appropriate response would have been to take a toy or something off her that day, not stopping her going to something next week and a sports class next term

bonkers

like a 7 year old will remember she can’t go gymnastics because she wasn’t well behaved 7 weeks ago

Sorry but I would never embarrass myself enough to take my child out to a meal in PJs because they are being stroppy and didn't want to get dressed. You sound way to soft and indulgent.
She's being naughty, he doesn't need to compromise on this, she was asked to get dressed and she refused. He missed an important event as he didn't want to take his child out looking a state in her PJS.

She's naughty and it sounds like you give in a lot.

You mention a few things @MummaDelly that indicate your child may not be as easy going and as well behaved as you like to think?

Chore chart / behaviour chart indicate (to me at least) that there is some level of conflict on a regular basis for these to be required? I've luckily I guess never needed them with any of mine. They feel to me like a tool used to manage more tricky situations around behaviour?

As others have pointed out you seem to be on the softer side and whilst that works in your household, when she is in another household 50% of the time she needs to understand that there are different rules (or ideally the rules in both households need to align more)

I have 3 DC, all different personalities and aged almost 7 all of them would have understood needing to dress to go to granny's house or giving the forgotten present at a later date - even my youngest who had SEN would be okay in these situations.

I don't think it's fair to sanction your DD on your time but I think looking at the subtext your parenting isn't aligning with the way your Ex parents. Yes you'd prefer him to parent more like you but I don't think there is much wrong with expecting a nearly 7yo to get dressed when asked (or to understand the party / forgotten gift incident) so maybe you need to consider aligning a tiny bit more to your Ex's way?

There are conversations to be had here for sure but I don't think it's just for your Ex to acquiesce.

He missed his mother's birthday because he couldn't get his child out of the house in appropriate clothing???

😆