To not want to punish DD during my custody time?

You can’t make him pay for her sports if he doesn’t want to.

you do seem to negotiate and discuss with a very young child more than I would babe and I had kids with various mixes of PDA/ADHD/ASD.

I wouldn’t punish across houses for a one and done incident though. I would for something serious but that would be, for eg, sustained bullying.

i agree as well that I wouldn’t do a reward chart either.

If ex wants to stop having child for as much as 50% then he should say so, why should you be organising your time with child around the things that arise during ex’s times?

I'd strongly disagree with having consequences that cross houses. His house his rules, your house your rules. Yes ideally it would all align and you'd parent the same but realistically there's always differences. One person's tidy is another person's messy. You may care that she makes her bed, he may not.

So youve told him you have a chart. It's up to him to find his thing, can be a chart but doesn't have to be. What he cant do is punish your time with her. Especially at this age for minor issues.
So you need to say, "I am really sorry to hear DD is not behaving at yours. Ive found the chart really effective for me, you may like to try it. But I can't have you making unilateral punishments that affect my time with her unless we've discussed and agreed it first. So I will be taking her to see my friends as this is not an arrangement that can be easily undone. Likewise if you want to stop gymnastics then that's your decision as it's in your time. I think it's a shame but I am not going to stop you"

Agree with PP.

Different place, Different rules. It applies to school/grandparents/friends too.

They soon learn which boundaries/expectations apply in each place.

You arent together anymore. You won't always be able to agree. Carrying over his punishments is ludicrous. There could be exceptions to this for eg 'no tik tok' if you reach an agreement.

You're too involved with him. Its not going to work.

I disagree with this, surely a consequence should be given at the time in a related way which it sounds like it was. Why should it be dragged out back at mum’s house? If something happens at home when I’m in another room, I’d expect my DH to deal with it. I wouldn’t then enter the room and also punish them for something I didn’t even see. Why is this any different?

This. All behaviour is communication and all that ... she is clearly not happy with something if she is normally happy and settled I would want to know more about what is wrong. And conflating this with gymnastics and outings just isnt ok.

Maybe it’s worked for a while while she was small and malleable, but now her dad can’t be arsed with the next stage of parenting.

engaging with them as individuals and guiding them through life is very different to the basics of nappies/meals/basic play that young kids need. Often men just simply can’t be arsed and/ or they are too controlling and selfish to listen to the child

All of these commenters saying you need to carry out punishments on behalf of your ex are being ridiculous. You do NOT need to help him parent, coparenting has limits. You dont agree on parenting styles and that's okay, she'll get used to different expectations in each house and it's much more stable for her to know you'll stick to your parenting and he'll stick to his. Working together only goes so far, he doesn't get to tell you what to do.

Nope. He has no control over your time with her, enjoy your time out with her.

It’s his own fault he missed his mum’s birthday, he should come up with better coping strategies like getting her dressed himself or taking her in her pyjamas. If we didn’t want to do either of these, that’s on him not you.

Agree that any punishment needs to happen in his time. Also doing a punishment a week later for a young child is ineffective as they will not link the punishment to the behaviour.
I do think it's fine though if she does play up for him and he says he will stop gymnastics for him to carry out that threat.
You say that shouldn't happen as she is a well behaved child, but maybe she is difficult for him or pushes him. You sound like you spend a lot of time negotiating with her (based on the examples you gave over how you would have dealt with the situations) and maybe he thinks this is unnecessary, you also have reward charts which to me suggest she is not a complete angel.

I also would be annoyed if she moped around at a friend's party and would have probably taken her home..do you know he definitely didn't say anything to the host about dropping the gift off another time?

Some of the replies on here are insane! OP you sound like a fabulous mummy and I'd be willing to bet your relationship with your lovely little girl will flourish and be a lifelong joy to you both. Her dad, on the other hand, sounds like a bit of a dick. But at least she has one fantastic parent, which is more than some kids have.

I point blank refused to carry punishment over from their Dad's house. I would reiterate that they had to follow the rules at his, the same as they did at mine. But if he felt the need to punish them then that's for him to do in his time. In the same way I didnt expect him to punishment them for things they did at my house.

His punishment can’t happen on your time and vice versia

why he didn’t just to the party and take clothes with him / sure she would have changed there

equally you are saying she said she did change and wasn’t in pjs ? So maybe find out what clothes she was in

you have different types of parenting which is hard.

agree having a reward chart shouldn’t be needed if there are no issues

Personally I don't agree with your style of parenting.... but it clearly works for you. To caveat I don't agree with your exes either... I prefer a blend of the 2 BUT I acknowledge that's very difficult in the case of blended families.

From experience, my stepson was an absolute terror for his mother (especially in the evenings) but he wasnt like that at his dad's house (or our house thereafter when we lived together). The 2 parenting styles were completely different.

In the end, what has worked for us is the concept that different houses have different rules. My husband used to try to help his ex handle SS on her days and talk to him on the phone or have a chat when he got back to ours about his behaviour... but it became exhausting. They are now seperated 12yrs and the "different rules" approach works to the best extent possible.

By different rules we mean that Mum does things X way and Dad does them Y way and each parent / adult in the house (for example grandparents or caregivers) set the rules, expectations and consequences. The only thing they really ever discuss is school or medical related or perhaps phone use (but again we have VERY different rules around this).

He cannot expect you to change your plans, just like you cannot control her behaviour at his house and vice versa.

Give her a consequence at your house perhaps if she misbehaves at his?
Talking to her clearly didn't work, its hardly a consequence is it?!

My daughter’s father moans that daughter doesn’t always behave as she should. I’ve tried to help but he then backtracks and says he doesn’t mind. So I leave it now.

Just have a word with her, tell him you’ve done it and see how it goes.

No, I wouldn’t carry his punishments over onto your time. Certainly regarding a prearranged outing that has nothing to do with him. He needs to find a way of dealing with challenging behaviour before your daughter gets older- if they but heads now it’s going to a war zone when she hits puberty in my experience.

Yep, she's allowed to ignore your questions. You aren't her parent.

Snap! Like you, the final catalyst was a major poor financial decision, which inevitably opened my eyes to all the smaller ones that had happened along the way. Sadly my kids are older so they've had to put up with a lot more, but at least they have each other when they're with him.

Consequences shouldn't extend across households with joint custody however, you are condoning the behaviour by not standing untied with your exh.
It is not acceptable for your daughter to misbehave in her dad's care and for you to do nothing about it! I'm sure you would be horrified if she was misbehaving at school and certainly wouldn't just let it go when she came home. I would be mortified to hear that my daughter was playing her dad up. This needs to be nipped in the bud now OP!

It's not uncommon for kids to behave like this after a divorce. Don't suppose she could have been watching something like the Parent Trap, or anything similar? I had friends who really tried to act up to get their mum and dad back together, and when it didn't work, would try to play each off each other/see what they could get away with. They were a bit older, but friends who work with kids say even younger kids often have issues in similar situations, and quite young kids can try it on, knowing mum won't let dad stop her going to gymnastics, or vice versa.