To not want to punish DD during my custody time?

Wow, you're getting such a hard time OP!!

For what it's worth, you're doing an excellent job in my eyes. She's still a little kid, and sometimes they can be headstrong. Your ex sounds like mine, in that he's either happy and joking or yelling and angry. Your ex could have given her several outfits to choose from, or even just dropped it. DD was dressed and comfortable.

I really don't think you should carry petty punishments over into your time.

I'd argue that forgetting the present is a failure, a small one which he could easily have taken responsibility for and reassured his daughter, instead of being an arse and making her feel worse about it. He's the one being a dramatic, OP said in one of her follow-up posts that he 'doesn't like to admit when he's wrong or apologise'. He doesn't have a parenting style, he's just a lazy selfish manchild. Stop making excuses for him, you're coming across as defensive.

Do not allow his poor parenting to encroach on your relationship with your DD.
This is the point I was trying to make upthread.
Something goes amiss at dad's and she is given hell for it, then she comes home and gets the third degree from mum ... a double whammyfor what sounds like a bit of nonsense.
And now she is being asked to apologise to her gran because her dad threw a wobbler over something minor and overreacted.
Let's be clear here, her "crime" was not to want to wear exactly what her dad wanted her to.
Please sit down privately with her dad and try to thrash out some behaviour/discipline/sanctions ground rules. You must both be prepared to compromise during this discussion.
She is more likely to act up, and more importantly be unhappy, if the ground rules are blurred.

I completely disagree. Completely.

Tbh it sounds like she's playing up alot at Dads (probably due to his parenting style). Forgetting a present isn't a failure... you're being dramatic ffs.

No. He screwed up, and he’s punishing her for it. Thats a parenting failure not a parenting style.

there is no way I would accept gymnastics being cancelled. I’d say to him you get very defensive so this won’t go down well but I cannot not say it and I am going to be much more blunt than you’d like - you need to think about your relationship with your daughter. Cancelling gymnastics is a terrible plan, it’s a great activity and she really benefits from it. If you do I will book her in on my day, your parenting failures is not a reason to punish her like this. You forgot the present, but you didn’t apologise to her. You should have taken her to your mums in what she was wearing with a change of clothes if you couldn’t persuade her.

This doesn’t make sense to me. Are you sure your ex actually wanted to go and isn’t just using your dd as an excuse? I just can’t comprehend missing my mum’s birthday because my kid was wearing the “wrong” clothes. If wearing a t shirt is disrespectful then surely just not turning up at all is significantly more rude??

I wouldn’t be asking her to apologise to granny either, it’s not ultimately her responsibility that they didn’t go, that was her dad’s decision, surely he should be the one apologising to his mum.

What a load of fuss over an outfit. Poor kid. There’s no reason why she couldn’t have gone how she was

I agree. I’ve never heard of any one cancelling their kids class like that. So mean and what else will she do at home instead?! Stuff like gym is great for kids! Keeps them active and off screens

honestly I would have only had a word with grandma. Keep talking to your daughter about it is pitting them against each other. He just looks like the bad guy. Which doesn’t help her if she spends 50% of her time with him. I know that’s not your intention. But you are over validating her behaviour. Going for a meal with a Tshirt she sometimes sleeps in means she wasn’t dressed the best. She was being difficult and whilst he is the adult, who should have demanded she change after explaining to her it’s about showing respect for the place you’re visiting and the person you’re celebrating. There are 2 incidents where I would have been disappointed if my kids have behaved like she did, which they have done. She’s a typical 6 yo. I would have been unhappy with the lack of respect towards her nan and the lack of respect towards her friend. But making excuses like you are & over demonising like he is isn’t the way, you both need to realise she’s 6, she’s not as emotionally mature as you make out. I think she’s very sensitive & you have interpreted this as having sensitivity for others. Thats just not how 6 yo are & he thinks her behaviour is more malicious than it is.

I agree. I think she behaves with mum because of consistent boundaries, and her feelings as an individual human being considered rather than "do this cause I told you to". Sometimes kids do have to do what they're told, it doesn't seem like the OP struggles with this in her own house so I don't see how the father struggling is her fault when she's not even there

I think your parenting style is great. Firm and fair boundaries, related to problem itself. Considering and listening to her point of view and giving her a voice to express when things make her sad.
Let's be realistic, most things that upset 6 year olds wouldn't upset a grown up but that doesn't mean the way they feel still isn't very real! And exploring that with her will be helping her learn to manage and regulate her emotions into adulthood.

I think your ex's parenting style isn't working for DD and I wouldn't advocate for extending punishments into your time without asking, especially when you have stuff pre planned.

Please do not drag grandma into this.
She doesn't need to help you communicate with your ex... that's just going to get his back up and tbh you just need to let him parent on his time, you parent on yours.

He's the one who missed out on his mothers birthday. It has nothing to do with you.

Agree you shouldn't punish your daughter in your time for what sounds like your DH and your daughter at loggerheads. He's a grownup parent... he needs to deal with it.

This is complete BS.

I'm sorry, but for me, asking her to apologise to her Grandma would be asking her to apologise for her dad's behaviour and that is not a precedent you want to set. Stand your ground, it's his responsibility to handle situations that happen on his parenting time, do not get involved. Honestly, I tell my ex all the time that he is the adult in these situations and it's his responsibility to manage his own emotions and de-escalate the situation. She is a 6 year old child, he should know better. It's time to force him to grow up and take responsibility. Do not allow his poor parenting to encroach on your relationship with your DD. Talk to his mum yourself if you think it might help, but other than that you tell him he has to deal with it. End of.

Two parents unable to communicate and one parent delighting in she never sees the behaviour and won’t impose consequences for bad behaviour because it’s not on her time. I feel sorry for your child - she’s acting out and you’re pandering to her. We can all negotiate with our child but sometimes they just need to do as they are told. She’ll continue to play you off against each other when she gets older. You think that by playing good cop, you’re getting one up on your ex. Unfortunately, those children tend to be the most unhappy, especially in their teenage years.

Ah, she didn't wear what he wanted her to wear.

He's sounding a bit controlling, what with wanting you to punish her on your time and getting mad about miscommunication and not wearing the dress he wanted her to. Is he not good at picking his battles as well as communication?

I think sharing the chart is an excellent idea and good for standing your ground about punishments on your time.

I’m not build for coparenting, if he cancelled the gymnastics on his days I’d start them back up on mine!

I think you sound like a lovely parent and he needs to read some books or take a class.

I agree. As far as I'm aware, consistency, communication and positive reinforcement were generally considered to be standard concepts for good parenting and the number of people who find talking to a child about things which affect them to be an alien concept is sad and alarming.

Have read all OP's posts. It's unfair for ex to expect you to extend punishments from his household to your household, while he's unwilling to extend the behavioral management tools (chore chart etc) that work for dd at your house to his.

People criticising your parenting as being too soft are obviously missing the part where it works. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship and a peaceful home which, if I was her Dad I'd be trying my hardest to replicate!

If reward charts and discussing feelings work for your child then that's a win in my book. Surely no one wants to have to be strict with their child if they don't have to.

I cannot imagine why a 7 year old going somewhere in pj's is an issue. It would have been an immediate consequence that she either gets changed there or runs around happily in pj's. Maybe I am biased, as my similar age autistic child has worn nothing but pj's for 3 years, but the world has never come to an end because of it. Same with being quiet at a party, just let her get on with it.

Sounds like he is punishing you for his lack of parenting skills.

I don't agree that OP is soft, she is consistant and has offered the ex suggestions as to how he can be more consistant, he isn't interested in trying to change his approach. he on the other hand is very inconsstant, laughs at something one day, gets angry about it the next, no wonder the child has no respect for him, he over punishes, parents who hand out inappropriately harsh punishments are generally very weak in parenting skills. You earn you childs respect with good communication. clear expectations and boundaries and calm reasonable consequences for overstepping the boundaries. Not angry out of proportion responses.

As for the 'missing the birthday because she wouldn;t get dressed' no one is that feeble, if he'd wanted to go he'd have taken her in her PJs. My guess, he wasn't all that keen and she was a handy excuse. You don't miss something you really want to go to because a 7 year old is faffing around.
If he doesn;t get his act together she won't want to visit him any more, which ould be an awful shame because this is very fixable.