Fed up already maternity leave

He’s a cunt.

Go and stay with your mum

Tell mum to come early and say neither of you are coping well, she’ll come.
suggest to him he saves his paternity leave for later on as he’d be more useful then when he can take baby out etc.

my ex also was a charming man who promised me the world and became a cruel mean man while I was pregnant. It happens to lots of us but other women love to point the finger at us due to their need to reassure themselves that they’re so clever it wouldn’t happen to them.

you will have a happy life with your baby just do whatever you can to get help in this tough stage now so you don’t plunge into post Partum depression

Great post and exactly what I would recommend too.

Absolutely. She’s your IVF miracle and your beloved daughter.

so first of all: congratulations!!💐💐

I would take the time to heal, grow and plan how you’ll make this work without the father, tbh.

edit: and yes, bring your mum over, his mum, friends, health visitor etc. All the support you can possibly get!

His mum would rip him a new one if she knew

So tell her!

Have you tried asking him if he thinks she would be proud of him?

You need to tell his mum and let her deal with the selfish twat!

I agree with you @Givemeachaitealatte however some posters are aware of this issue however get a kick out of putting other women down. It's unlikely they would say this to their own friend irl. It's another form of abuse for blaming the victim.

OP I send my sympathies!

I had flat nipples and exclusively breastfed - it was exceptionally painful* at first, but it is possible. Have the baby checked for tongue tie (repeatedly if necessary) as getting my baby’s tie cut at two weeks helped a lot. Don’t try to express just so your partner can feed, that can come later. Cluster feeding is normal. Get your mum and the health visitor round as much as you can to enforce your decisions.

My DP also tried to introduce formula and get baby off the breast. He got firmly put back in his place. Feeding is the mum’s decision (still feeding at almost 2).

I was glad when he went back to work after ten days.

Chin up, you’ll get through this! Congratulations on your beloved baby.

Edit to say it did stop being painful in time but it wasn’t quick. Baby is essentially reshaping your nipples and it hurts!

OK really not the moment for that @PinkyFlamingo .

OP bring your mum over.

MY DH was reasonably supportive with our newborns, but having your mum is ideal. For now just make this about you and your dear little baby whom you wanted so much. There is enough stress in becoming a first time mum without coming out of that bubble to worry about other dynamics. If having your mum helps just do it. And I bet it will ...

A screaming baby isnt normal. It may be usual, but not normal. Its last resort of communication from the baby , saying something isnt right. Its up to the parent to work out what it is, not to accept it as normal. OP needs a good breastfeeding consultant to get breastfeeding going.

congratulations op
im sorry your partner is being a lazy arse.

if he continues to do the ‘im working during the day and you arent so you should do everything for baby’it might be helpful to remind him that monday to friday day youll do everything but evenings and weekends he needs to take his fair share of turns. (and the occasional night feed too which youll decide on as youre the one feeding and you want him reasonably fresh for his work).

in the meantime uf be saying. “Right you're on paternity leave to support the baby so what do you want to do for baby today as youre not off work to play games all day. you two need to bond snd we both need to get more confident with baby so we need to crack on”

Does he have friends with small children, could they speak to him. He sounds an arsehole but could also be anxious and scared he does things wrong -his father around?
my DS’s partner is due in 4months and he is already txting about should he go to a wedding 2weeks before, etcetc seems unexpectedly anxious

BF'ing is intense and draining for the first 6 weeks and it's your only job. Don't mess your supply around with pumping, nature is primed for baby to set the level of supply and demand. I would phone your Mum today, tell her what you've said here and ask her to come or if you can go there. Sadly a lot of men show their true colours the first time you ever really need them - and you don't have to tolerate it. Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy. I hope things get better for you

"He practically regressed to being a baby himself, and I spent 3 years taking care of a man child and a baby/toddler."

I've said many times that once you become the mother to their child they want you to be their mother too & regress back to being a child themselves. It's VERY common, as is men being jealous of their own baby because it's getting all your attention, which they used to get. I have no doubt these grown ass men start acting like children because they're competing with baby for attention & for the #1 spot as the center of our universe again. It's truly pathetic!

My ex did this too & I've heard countless other women with the same story. This really isn't talked about enough!

If his mum would ‘rip him a new one’ then speak to her and tell her what’s going on.

i disagree with everyone saying ‘go to your mum’. I would have a simple conversation with him, ‘you have got two weeks paternity leave to help with me and the baby and you are spending it gaming whilst I am just exhausted. If this is going to work, I need you to stop gaming and be an equal partner-this is hard and we both need to be working hard at it.’

I wouldn’t give him the freedom to do what he wants for a fortnight and then say, ‘oh but you should have just asked me for help’ afterwards

Tell his Mum, tell your Mum, tell your midwife and health visitor, tell everyone. Get him pulled up by other women. He needs a massive kick up the arse. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he has.

Huge congratulations on your miracle baby.

Bless you, youre doing an amazing job. Congratulations on your baby daughter, what a blessing for you.

I'm so sorry your partner is being a twat, he doesn't have a clue what he is talking about.

Cluster feeding, totally normal, especially in thr evening. Its exhausting but its how babies increase Mums supply.

Pumping means nothing. I could never pump, but could easily drown my kids when nursing them. The mechanisms of baby nursing vs a mechanical pump is different and not everyone's boobs react to a pump the same as a baby feeding.

Sounds like your partner thought he'd be getting a 2 week holiday, and not realised its actually 2 weeks to support a new mum get settled. Trust me, it'll be so much easier for you once he goes back to work. You'll work out your routine, and it'll improve each month.

Frankly, I think he needs a bloody good talking to but I doubt it'll make a difference.

Op, ask your MIL to come over more often.
Suggest to her that she comes over and helps her DS come to terms with how to help and how to encourage early bonding and feeding. He is a new Dadand completely ignorant.
You are allowed an adult relationship with her and you don't need to ask permission from your DH.

Do you have a breast feeding counsellor service?
You might benefit from a couple of very supportive visits from experienced women.

Generally these men don't show their true colours until the baby is conceived or born, it's like people are oblivious to how abusive behaviour starts or they are willfully ignorant.

@SpookyTeacup the first weeks and months with a new baby are really hard and cluster feeding totally normal but exhausting. Get your mum there to support you as soon as you can and get as much rest as possible at every opportunity.
Realistically you will probably never be able to forgive your DH for his awful behaviour at such a vulnerable time but that will play out in the future.
Get whatever support you can elsewhere for now (including his DM?) and try to enjoy your precious newborn. Those days are so short in the scheme of things.

Sorry you are experiencing this!
Sounds like he is in shock what reality with a baby really is like and is reacting in the most unattractive unmature way.

If you can manage, get yourself a consultant for the breastfeeding /not sure what they are called in the UK/ who will help you with correct latching, holding positions and ways to help milk production. All the stress you are having with husband belittling and ignoring you unfortunately doesnt help.

Sending a hug!

Nah, my husband is a gamer, he is an incredible and engaged father and equal partner. Better than a golfer or someone who is obsessed with sporting fixtures.

Not all of us!

Firstly. He's a twat.

Secondly, screaming at the boob and refusing to settle are 100% normal - it is 0 indication of your milk supply and totally a biological mechanic for your baby to make you breasts produce more milk in the future - like putting in an advanced order. The thrashing and screaming they do speak directly to your hypothalamus which is responsible for your milk supply. Baby needs to do it.

Thirdly, why are are pumping? Pumping is not an indication of milk supply and if it's so dad can feed baby something tells me this loser won't we doing that and the effort and energy you are expending in pumping needs to be reserved for now. If you really want to pump, wait 6-12 weeks for your supply to establish and settle.

Fourthly. Congratulations on your new baby!

Congratulations on your miracle baby OP, you are doing a great job💐

Get in contact ASAP with your Mum/MIL. Tell then honestly about the situation/lack of support and that you need their help as your P thinks he’s on Gaming Leave.

I would be heartbroken to find out my Daughter/Daughter in Law was in this situation and would do everything I could to help. Do not let him ruin your precious newborn stage.