Fed up already maternity leave

So sorry OP. Cluster feeding is horrendous even with proper support. As a PP said, he's the twat and should bear the shame, not you. Get your mum to come stay and let him feel ashamed of himself.

How are you and your LO this evening @SpookyTeacup?

@SpookyTeacup
I though that might be the case. Get her round let her see whats happening.

MILs get bad rap on here but if you think she'll knock him into shape get her on the case.

I do think lost of people miss / forget that new borns are hard work. And paternity leave is to support Mum, not just so they can play Xbox or do odd jobs for other people 🙄I still haven't quite forgiven the bum hole that suggested DH could do some favour while on Paternity leave.

Big hug from me too, OP. Your "D" H is anything but...

You're doing brilliantly. These days are so precious, even more so for you with such a wanted and loved baby.

Snuggle your little one, get your mum on your side and helping lots, and give yourself lots of credit. Being a mum is hard, but the fact you're doing so well with such a silly husband shows how amazing you are.

What a complete knob your husband is. Why do some men think they know everything? Useless waste of air. It's really hard work breastfeeding in the first few weeks, both my boys were constantly feeding to build the supply up at that age. You're doing a good job keeping up with it. See if there is a local breastfeeding support group near to you, you'll get some solidarity and support from the mums there.

I just want to give you a big hug, you're doing amazing.

He is a total arsehole. I hope his mum finds out & goes nuclear on him.

I'm so sorry OP your husband is a complete abusive arse, he should be supporting you and baby and he certainly shouldn't be making unkind comments about your nipples or laughing at the amount you are currently able to pump or you needing emotional support and he shouldn't be getting angry at either you or baby. Rally as much help round you as possible and put a plan together to leave him.

Can you mum come and get you today? One week into being a mum and normal rules don't apply, people will come and help don't think you are putting anyone out by asking for their help.

He's not being normal and he needs a sharp dose of reality today. Don't leave it until he's back at work and do tell his mother. He needs a good kick in the arse ffs.

Hi, hello, qualified breastfeeding consultant here. An amount of screaming at the breast IS normal, healthy and to be expected. Usually in the evening for about an hour, usually whilst on the breast.

A screaming baby isnt normal. It may be usual, but not normal. Its last resort of communication from the baby , saying something isnt right. Its up to the parent to work out what it is, not to accept it as normal. OP needs a good breastfeeding consultant to get breastfeeding going.

I also agree with this. I had a baby who would not stop crying and he was starving - I just didn’t make enough milk. It was shit, I hated it but there you go. Absolutely not saying OP isn’t making enough but definitely worth seeing a lactation consultant.

Have you got anyone else who can be there for you? Your parents?
I’d go and stay with them if you can or chuck your waste of space partner to leave and have someone come and stay with you if you can.

Sounds like you’re doing a great job with very little support. It’s very normal for newborns to be on the boob pretty much constantly. Hopefully you have breastfeeding support from your midwife/HV? Might be worth getting your latch checked or check for tongue tie if you haven’t already.
Newborn stage is hard for every new mum,
of course you love your baby but it’s still so hard and you need looking after

@SpookyTeacup

Is this genuinely out of the blue and new behaviour? Because if so then I’d want a really frank conversation with him to ask wtf he’s playing at.

My DH games, plays board games etc. always has. When we had kids he was entirely present and completely supportive - the two can coexist. He’s stil like that now and does a proper shift with the kids.

If you are completely honest, and he was always like this then you need to consider life without him.

As things are now I’d go and stay with your mum if you can. Get some real help and support.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

I think at this moment you need support so I would ask your mum if she could come sooner. I would also speak to his mum and try to remain calm and explain that he isn't helping and you are struggling. I'd keep it factual, don't make any excuses for his behaviour just be honest.

I'd then speak to your hv about where you can get breastfeeding support in your area. Some surgeries run a clinic once a week, some have specialist support at the local hospital. You need to know what is there and how to access it. I had all the same feelings re being a failure in not being able to produce enough milk to sustain my baby and had to use formula. Only my dad got me out of it by saying that I mattered too.

If you do have to or decide to use formula don't beat yourself up about it. Hope you get all the support you need and congratulations on the birth of your baby.

I’m the mother to an older teenage son. In years to come, if my son was behaving like this towards his wife and newborn child, I would want to know.

I would then tackle it a few ways. I would want to find out where this has all come from. If he is struggling mentally himself. But bottom line, I would do whatever it took to make him realise that his behaviour is risking his marriage and his relationship with his child.

According to my mum, my dad was absolutely clueless when their first baby was born. After 6 weeks, my mum left him and took my dsis to stay with my grandparents. My dad was in bits and his mother made it quite clear what he needed to do to buck up. Mum and dsis were back home after a week and my parents had a very long and happy marriage.

But my dad was just clueless and very nervous. There were no classes for dads back in the late 60s. No Google nor ChatGPT to help. But what is your DH’s excuse @SpookyTeacup?

Edited to add: my dad once told me that the week my mum was gone was the worst week of his life. I’m not convinced that Spooky’s DH would say the same.

Its not your hormones, its your husband. Also, dont introduce formula just because he is useless. Feed the baby the way you want, absolutely, but hes not going to improve if you introduce bottles, youll just have more things to wash. He has shown you who he is Im afraid.

Personally I would bin him off now. It’s going to make your life and breast feeding experience so much better.

You can do without someone stressing you out. Stress can deplete milk flow

Does he know how close his behaviour is taking him to being divorced

When he gets back to work if he starts telling people how he believes newborns should be and then talks about how wrong you have got everything he will get a total bollocking from some of the mothers and fathers in the workforce and find his standing completely demolished for showing his arrogance and being an idiot

I hate to say it but be on the look out for the young childfree woman who will lap up his laments over his non existent marriage as his wife is now obsessed with newborn.
She will be there to massage his ego among other things

You need to do something. Ideas to consider - You could ask the health visitor to come explain to him, ring his mum and explain how shit he is, get a family member of yours to come stay, go to your mums with the baby, ask him to move out. He is shit and do not let him just get away with this. Sorry it’s so hard.

OP the first few weeks are challenging, your hormones drop off a cliff and it everything feels more awful than it would normally add in sleep deprivation and it’s a nightmare.

If he’s not listening to you, invite your mum or the MIL (or both) round to help kick him up the butt. Be very clear what you need and how he can help.

I promise it will get better, as someone who never believed people when they said this as I couldn’t see it getting better….it really do!

If you start to really struggle or have darker thoughts please reach out to your midwife

OP I mix fed both my DC and it definitely saved my sanity. Expressing is torturous so don’t do it if you don’t need to. Have you spoken to midwife/lactation consultant about the feeding. They can be incredibly helpful. Either helping with problems or reassuring you it’s normal and your baby is feeding well.

Your DP is being a dick. I’d give him a chance and tell him he needs to shape up. Tell his mum to speak to him and ask your mum to come early to help you.

Honestly those first few weeks are just so so hard and you need support

This post has made me so angry.

You either need to tell him what’s expected and he does it or ask him to stay at his mums whilst she comes to stay with you. He needs to either step up or fuck off.

IMO he’s expected to keep the house spotless, cook and make sure you have drinks and snacks and pass you muslins or a cushion and whatever you need, and tell you you are doing great. You are expected to do everything for that baby, not for him. He’s expected to do everything for you. It’s just you and the baby in this period. He’s gone down in the pecking order. What did he expect? A mother to put her baby second? If you think about what you would want for the mother of your child to be like….you want them to put your baby first.

Breastfeeding is hard. Cluster feeding is normal. I would supplement with formula and ensure the baby is full and content. Pumping will hopefully bring on your supply. If it doesn’t, switch to formula (it was such a relief for me when I had next to nothing milk).

Honestly, he will bring on PND if you’re not careful. IVF is shit (we had lots) and this is your miracle baby - he’s not really acting like your miracle husband. Take the pressure off yourself and just focus on the baby with some proper support. If this happens to be his mother or yours and not him, then so be it.

Then tell her!
Whatever takes to snap him out of this horrible, selfish attitude.
Don't wait for her visit; call her.

I can't believe what I'm reading how fucking dare he!!!

For info OP the amount you can pump is zero reflection on your milk supply! Some womens boobs simply don't respond to a pump and won't relinquish the milk. A 7% drop is all within normal range and actually very good.

Secondly call his mum can she come visit and rip him a new one?! This type of behaviour is completely unacceptable and is getting into abusive territory.

In your shoes I would be calling my mum and asking him to leave as he's clearly not helping infant he's doing the opposite. Do not let him think this sort of behaviour is anyway acceptable.

I’m with you OP! I’m lucky to have a brilliant partner BUT i have a couple of friends whose husbands I know really well. Brilliant men, funny, kind, supportive, great husbands. Then the baby comes along. And they’ve been shocked by how much with parenting entails. They’ve not helped, been useless, allowed their wife to be default parent all the time. You can’t always know.
I hope you’re okay OP. If you need to cry, cry. Get help from your mum and don’t be ashamed to tell her what he’s been like.

Why doesn’t he take his closed mind and go back to work
He doesnt want to do anything, doesn’t want to learn anything, wont be told the reality. But apparently despite zero experience and no knowledge he knows better.

You need someone who is going to help not hinder or mock you

What really is the point of him being there?

I would send him with his gaming set up to his mother where he can explain to her his wisdom on new borns and why his wife thinks he is so useless.

Did you go to Pre birth / NCT classes and do you meet up with these mums and dads

I know the support I got from the other mums who were going through the same things at the same time was hugely beneficial. And fathers would come along and chat about all the stuff we were all going through.
We were all first time parents and to know that sitting breast feeding for 16 hours was perfectly normal. dd would fall asleep then as soon as I moved she would wake and cry and start feeding again.

Dd refused a dummy, and refused formula. She never had a single bottle of formula ever