Sons Sporting Ambition Thwarted?

Honestly it is incredibly depressing that this could be any one of a number of sports - cricket, rugby and hockey all immediately spring to mind. The only sport where private school doesn’t seem to give an immediate advantage is football because it’s so ubiquitous.

There is such a gulf for children in state schools and I don’t think the clubs realise how incredibly well the state school kids are doing. Sadly I’ve seen first hand how the clubs are an extension of the private school - the teachers also coach at the clubs and it’s all about extra practice for the school team.

In many ways it’s a first world problem but given the state of some of these national sports, it’s incredibly sad the governing bodies are not stepping in.

OP, if it’s rugby, the competition is fierce and ruthless. A family member who was very good got into a national team under seventeens - but that’s as far as he got, and there are many many who, despite playing from an early age, and being keen as mustard, don’t get anything like as far. There are only so many places, and those who make it to the top just have the edge and the drive over their fellow players who are left by the wayside. Whatever sport it is, you are absolutely right when you say he needs ti be playing with his age group and enjoying the sport for its own sake - I would not be happy about my teenage sin playing with the men’s team. My son was good enough to make the first fifteen at school, and enjoyed rugby at university and plays casually now - you really don’t have to be a professional athlete to love and enjoy your sport. A friend’s nephew plays cricket at county level, and all I can say is that they live and breathe cricket, to an extent that might be considered unhealthy. You really do need to be utterly single minded, and if you do that and it’s still it quite enough, it can be heartbreaking.

btw there are some private schools which on their own as institutions dominate certain olympic sports.

There are some really ignorant comments here.

This is not 'fair' because the other boys have earnt it by working hard. It's privilege in action.

I can see this in my local area with sports like hockey - only played at private schools - the local open to all club is mostly private school chidlren, it would be incredibly difficult for a state school child to get anywhere near the amount of hours of play.

my son is very sporty - football - and I despair at the poor level of provision at his secondary even with football which should be easy for them!

Compared to private schools - there are literally less hours in the day given to sport, fewer pitches, less coaches to organise matches - my son has played competitive football for his school a handful of times in 3 years - private schools play weekly around the county at a very high level and inter county as well. My son has only ever played other schools.

People really are very ignorant about how privilege works.

Hockey is played at every state school in my area in the UK and the non-school clubs are very inclusive and accessible. Do you mean ice hockey?

It could also be hockey? That is rarely played at state school.

In the grand scheme of things does it really matter? Is a life of elite sport really what you want for your child? It wouldn’t be mine.

I’d much rather my kids were just good at a sport that they enjoyed and played a lot rather than dedicated their whole lives to it. Professional sports comes with a lot of sacrifices.

Is this cricket, OP? I know a few kids who play at county level - and you are right, there are a lot of private school kids, as not many state schools do cricket.

That said, I know a lot of clubs offer bursaries for high level training, and our local club always says that income shouldn't be a barrier. Definitely try every route you can - but kindly, do also remember it's pretty tough/competitive to progress from county level to a professional sporting career. For the vast majority of kids who might be brilliant at their sport, county is 'where it ends' in the course of their lives.

Is it cricket??
I do understand and agree with what you’re saying. These boys have trained and worked hard and clearly have ability but they have also been lucky and have an advantage.
My DD plays county cricket. She is also from a private school and I’m well aware that this gives her and advantage as far as awareness and access goes. State schools don’t play cricket with their girls for the most part. She is also talented and works hard.
Find a better club is one thing but the county development pathway should offer him opportunities if he’s any good.

If it is rugby do look at sports colleges or the right uni that is open to new people and not those who are already on a pathway (DS is at Bath and most of the first are either at Bath already or a nearby school).
Also if it is rugby take a look at Lambs rugby as another route for those who are overlooked.
Interestingly for rugby the girls don’t have this same issue as it’s not a private school thing. They all head to rugby college at 16 instead.
Most England U18 rugby players don’t make the men’s squad. Some don’t even find the sport until senior level.
But also 1 bad injury can change everything whatever sport it is so don’t put all your eggs in 1 basket.

I'd stake a bet on this being cricket.

Op the above ^makes sense and it’s what I’d do. Why give up ? Move him and let him have fun trying, and enjoying the sport he loves, you never know .

You need to help your son come to terms with it. It's not realistic for anyone to become an elite athlete - only in exceedingly rare cases. Even if he were at private school you don't know if he would make it. You need to quickly get over your own feelings so you can support your son get over his. Going down the 'it's not fair' route is not the way to go as it is an unhelpful attitude to take into life and will turn this into a bigger deal than it is. Life isn't fair and that's ok. It was probably a mistake to encourage his ambitions given the situation you describe.

What sport is it @GatheringAllTheMoss ?

If it’s rugby you should look at specialist sports colleges such as Hartpury. It’s an England and Wales rugby factory. He can study ALevels or Btecs alongside playing more rugby than he had ever imagined.

That’s interesting because I’d say football tends to be the one sport where state school children are generally better than the ones from independent schools. Football is my daughter’s sport, and the one that she’s on a sports scholarship for at independent secondary (from state primary). The majority of the kids she plays with in her academy are from state schools, and she’s better than the vast majority of those who came to the secondary from the private preps.

Yeah, I agree it's not about money but about a sort of "social capital" where they understand and are committed to the system. A lot of sports aren't expensive to play but parental commitment to excel has a big "time and opportunity" cost that not all parents are willing or able to pay and the unspoken truth is that even with massive parental input a lot of these kids won't "make it" so if you were doing it all under duress you'd feel like it was a massive waste of time.

That said..... I think some parents could be more involved but CBA - there are a lot of non coaching roles like helping with match food, doing the socials, doing the bar etc. People say "I don't have time" like the coaches dont also have jobs, other kids and other stuff going on. It's kind of the "if you want something doing, ask a busy person" mantra.

My son plays for a football team outside school. It's blindingly obvious which kids are at private school. They're playing sport every day after school. I know because I talk to the parents! The state school kids get two hours a week which includes changing time and "kids messing around who hate PE" time.
There's just no comparison.

The fact that these other boys have had their opportunities through privilege, and not necessarily superior ability.

With the exception of football, look at English sports teams and look at the schools they go to. It’s a thing.

To add another thought on the advantage private school brings: the opportunity to try a number of similar sports at a good level.

There are a number of sports where a small, hard ball is going to come whistling past your ears. In a sports oriented private school you will get to try them all and be funnelled towards the one you have a particular aptitude for.

In a state school you are much less likely to get that opportunity. That can mean that a state school student could, say, be good at hockey but never know they would have been amazing at lacross.

This was only possible because they had rich parents, meaning kids with talent from other backgrounds don't have a look in. That's what you're missing.

I think it’s easy to say that it’s primarily down to money. That isn’t true imo. IMO the kids who succeed are the ones who have parents who did/do the sport themselves and become their kids personal coach - putting in hours and hours of additional training at club level. These parents know the best clubs, they know people in the best clubs, they know how the system works, dates of competitions, the competitions most worth entering, the competitions their own kids have the best chance of winning which in turn boosts the kid’s confidence, they know loopholes for kids to transfer clubs, they know everything and they do everything to make sure their kid has the most advantages over other kids.

The parents I know who do this are state teachers. They think nothing of taking days off - leaving classrooms of kids with a sub teacher (or no teacher).

Do they do this because they are financially able? I don’t think so. They do this because they are very focussed on their kid’s success.

This is really on the money. My DS was spotted for rugby even though he plays for a fairly low level club and asked to attend a developing player programme. It was over an hour travel each way in a weekday evening. I tried to encourage him but I don't drive a car so couldn't help with logistics and even sharing lifts wasnt that helpful. He just dropped out I the end because it was too much hassle. Had we lived nearer or had it been just easier to get to, maybe he'd have stuck it out. There's so much talent gets you, but logistics, parental involvement etc is also ao important