Hen do dilemma - surely I can't be the only one?!

I agree with you OP. Nothing would have made me even consider going off on a jolly overseas and leaving my young children behind.

Excuse me? I have never been to a hen do, let alone a hen do abroad. And the other nonsense in your post - you seem to have inferred an awful lot. Projecting much.

I wouldn't be able to leave my two and they are 9 and 12!

For your sake, I hope your identity is not so tied to random hen dos, that's quite lame.

When you do become a parent, you will see that something like going away for several nights when you have very young children requires a lot of effort and organizing. It's nothing to do with identity, and everything to do with logistics, work, sleep deprivation, money etc etc.

And it's silly to think you and your life won't change. Motherhood is a life changing thing. You won't be the same once you have a baby.

I'm on the fence with this as I have young kids who need me and I'd carry a bit of guilt around. But on the other hand I do like a break and some me time! The trip would have to be really worth it. I'm not sure someone else's hen do would be 🙈 I'd rather have some quiet recuperation!

I left my 16 month old for 4 days for a girls trip, to another country, a 3 hour flight. On the outside, yes, it looked like I didn't give it a second thought but privately I was quite stressed. I had an amazing time and I'm glad I went but there were many behind the scene worries etc.

I only have the one kid though. I don't think i could leave a 3 and a 5 year old alone with DH. That would be quite hard for DH.

I went away for 5 nights for a work related trip when my dc was 15 months. It wasn’t mandatory but was going to be very helpful for my role, there were only a a few spaces available internationally and I applied not expecting to actually get accepted. I almost didn’t go as I had not long been back to work and I was spiralling with the thought of it. Tried to get DH to come with our DC but he (thankfully) declined. As soon as I was there I relaxed, enjoyed myself and was so glad they didn’t come otherwise I would have felt guilty about not spending time with them and not actually enjoyed myself. I did also miss my little and was v excited to get back.

Now if I had to go abroad again I think I wouldn’t worry as much, but for a hen do it would have to be close family or a friends whereas before my little I would have been more inclined to pop abroad for any loose friend. As others have said for me it’s the spending the time and money away from family when I feel like I barely see my child now.

All feelings are valid - if your gut is telling you something- listen to it. We’re not all the same person - thankfully - so don’t let it bother you what other people are doing and be confident in your decisions even if it looks different to everyone else’s -that’s a great example to set your children. As a pp said a lot of the pressure you feel is probably self imposed (I’m guilty of this too) - pretty sure the Hen will expect with it being abroad that some people will not be able to attend

I am not massively maternal and I definitely didn't lose my identity to motherhood but I probably would have not wanted to leave two kids that young to go abroad. for a hen do.

Someone I know left her 6 month old baby to go to Australia for two weeks, and yes I did judge.

I wouldn't leave my kids

I’m not a parent yet but I pray to god that if I do become one I am exactly this kind of parent. I would absolutely hate to lose my identity to motherhood.

I was away from my children when they were that age, but only for business trips i.e. stuff I had to do professionally.
I would not have felt comfortable going on a jolly when I felt I spent such little time with them as it was, because I worked full time.
I didn't miss out on any Hen Dos of my close friends because they were back in the day when going abroad for them wasn't done (at least not in my circle of friends).

You are absolutely fine, and you are allowed your own feelings and boundaries
I have and would again go away without my kids at that age, that’s my choice, you are doing nothing wrong following your own instincts

I think the people stuck in dubai might have something to say. Or the ash cloud.
a friends son was due back this weekend, He is due back around the 25th now.
Not months, but long enough to feel like you shouldn’t have left your kids.

op, if your not comfortable, don’t go. It’s entirely your call and no one should judge you either way

Even if people can afford what is often at least a couple of grand, many of them - especially those with young children - will have better uses for that money.

Snarky.

Yanbu. Everyone is different. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my children for that long at that age either.

YABU for not being able to go abroad without your kids.
YANBU for not going abroad for a hen do.

when have flights ever been cancelled without warning for several months and people unable to go back home 😂

Even the harshest covid restrictions never stopped people from going home and gave warnings that the borders would be shut. If people wanted to leave, they could.

It's later they got stuck or had to go in quarantine, but that was a choice.

I wouldnt go to an abroad hen do nothing to do with being a parent

I was coming on to say I totally get how you feel and I wouldn’t have wanted to do it either when mine were little.

then I remembered I did leave them! (They’re teens now) I went to a family wedding in the US without them when they were 3 and then when they were 4 I went to a close friend’s wedding halfway across the world. Both times I remember not wanting to leave them for more than 3 nights so I did ridiculously short trips on both occasions. Was slightly mad really but I do remember really enjoying both trips, I had a great time and I wasn’t away from them for too long either time. I must have had terrible jet lag but it was 10 + years ago so I was obviously 10 years younger!

since then I’ve done a lot of work travel and I’ve mostly enjoyed it very much. My DH is their parent, they are absolutely fine with him alone. As teens now they are confident and independent.

however the PP who posted about meningitis - that would have made me really anxious if I’d thought of that before my trips.

in a way OP - I would do it now and have a nice break from the very full on days that come with having small kids. Mine are doing GCSEs now and I don’t want to leave them at all at this point. I do have a weekend abroad booked with friends in September but they’ll be in 6th form by then!

Ive never had a night away from my youngest, shes 11 later this year
My eldest who is coming 29 had lots of weekends away from a young age with her grandparents who also took her abroad so i was used to having a couple of nights to go away myself or just be at home alone but with no grandparents or family around my youngest has never had a night away and i wouldnt feel comfortable going abroad without her
Totally reasonable to feel that way, if you did go youd only worry the whole time , dont give it another thought youve got to do what works for you :)

And when I see other mums saying yes to these plans without a second thought it makes me feel like I'm not doing something right!

If it helps, and obviously I don’t speak for everyone here, but I guess for a lot of mums who say “yes” it’s not always “without a second thought.” It might look like it on the outside but inside they find it a tough decision to make. For example, I’m going on a group holiday with friends this summer and I’ll be leaving my child at home. For a few days. I’ve said yes to the trip and have paid for it, and I’m excited to spend some free time with friends and I know the holiday will be brilliant. But every now and then I do think about it and question if it’s the right thing to do or not. And I worry I’ll miss him so much. But I’m going, it will be good for me. None of my friends would have any clue I’ve been second guessing myself over and over and they’d assume I’m easily going “without a second thought” but I really have been up and down with this decision.

I absolutely think you should do what’s right for you OP, and if that’s staying home with your little ones, then try not to feel bad about it, your friend will completely understand! So many other women would feel the same as you.

I think most parents feel anxious about leaving their kids. It depends on what you do with that anxiety though - let it rule your life or just deal with the anxiety and go anyway.

Flights can be canceled indefinitely. Borders can close. I wasn’t comfortable being in a separate country from my dc until I was comfortable with the idea of not being with her for several months if something unexpected happened.