Hen do dilemma - surely I can't be the only one?!

I’d unpick your ‘logic’ here. What is it that you imagine is going to happen because you’re in another country? How long are you going to restrict yourself to always being in the same country as your children?

Some of these posts are bonkers

people who’ve never been away without their children who are in their 20s!
people who think leaving 2 under fives with their DH would be too hard for the DH

I certainly wouldn't leave my children to go off on a hen do abroad
My children are too important to me and to leave them to attend an event I would find absolutely boring and unenjoyable would make no sense.
It would have to be something really important or necessary for it to take precedence over my children.

I wouldnt spend the money to go abroad for a hen do. Period!

At the ages your kids are, no, I wouldnt want to go abroad from them. I did extremely rare weekends away (I think twice?) And at least one of those was a work trip.

Now, my kids are 13, 15 and 17 I went away with DH to Greece for pur first couple only holiday abroad and it was amazing. MIL stayed with them as the youngest is still a bit young for no adult supervision.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but not whilst the world is currently imploding courtesy of Trump.

I don't think there's anything wrong at all, and they grow up so fast and become independent so fast, it makes sense to enjoy the very short years you have with them. Holidays with my kids are the best time of the year since they were born.

Before you know it, they'll be going on holiday with friends, school trips abroad etc..

“just being mum” becomes a problem when you put pressure on them because you are too anxious to let them have a life, refuse to let them join trips abroad without you, put pressure on them to give up their holidays to stick with you etc..

Look at how many thread where posters are terrified at the idea of a 16 yo going to central "London" with friends, would never consider leaving an under-18 home alone (there's a thread about a 17yo!), and posters are having a meltdown because they are "abandoned" when the kids go to uni or move out. It doesn't happen when mothers don't put their life completely on hold for too many years.

Not seeing the point or wanting holidays without your young kids is healthy, refusing to go anywhere "abroad" because of an hypothetical zombie apocalypse is not.

I answered YABU because I wouldn’t have a problem with this personally; however, I don’t think it’s unreasonable per se - you’re entitled not to want to go, just as others are entitled to feel comfortable going. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to feel about it, tbh!

You realise that you can fly in many parts of the world don't you? "Abroad" is a big place.

If you fly to Italy and the ash cloud comes back, you just.. take a train instead? Pain in the neck, but you are not stranded for months either 😂.

Again, not ideal, but you can take a ferry from Ibiza.

You could go on all night with examples, but the concept of being stranded for months is ridiculous. There's no risk of abandoning your children for months simply because you go away for a weekend with friends "abroad".

You don't want to do it, you don't have to, no one is judging, but say you don't want to. Blaming the "risks" is silly. You might crash on the motorway or be in a train accident in this country if want to be anxious about everything.

Agree OP. I never left my children as I couldn’t imagine a holiday without them. We still go together and they’re in their 20s.

Making decisions based on the wellbeing of your children is not loosing your identity.

Neither is listening to your maternal instincts to not want to be a long distance away from your small children.

What absolute cobblers.

I'm with you. I work FT and travel a bit for work. I like spending weekends with my kids (2 and 7) and wouldn't want to give up a whole chunk of non working time to be away from them.

I’d have been absolutely fine going abroad at those ages but I know my sisters both wouldn’t.

I do understand people saying they feel nervous about leaving them/feeling too far away being abroad. I don’t understand people who would rather spend time with their children rather than their friends, that blows my mind, small children are boring and I literally laugh all day when I’m with my friends. A trip away with my kids when they were little left me knackered. A trip with friends always leaves me feeling rejuvenated.

i totally agree with you and feel the same

I’ve never had an issue leaving any of my children. I always feel refreshed after a break and come back being a better mum.
I also do think you can not want to lose your identity as an individual. I love my children but love the opportunity to be just me.

@LoftyPlumFox I have turned down a hen do abroad next year too and was having the exact same feelings as you to be honest. 18 people invited - 14 of them with children and the majority are younger than mine.

Every single one of them sent a couple of hundred pounds booking deposit and gave a definite yes, even without knowing final dates or a confirmed cost 🫠🤣
The proposed idea is a 5 night stay, 4.5 hour flight, at a cost of roughly £1300 each B&B. So there are still activities & food costs on top.

It just made me realise how much my priorities have shifted. I love my friends, and have been to Hen weekends a few hours away in the UK. I’m away this weekend for a UK city break to treat a good friend who has had a particularly rough couple of years and just deserves something nice.
But getting on a plane without my 5yo just feels different to me and is not something I personally feel comfortable with doing. And I don’t want to leave him for 5 days either.
Nevermind the cost - that could pay for a little getaway for our family. I wouldn’t spend that on a boozy 5 days in the sun.

DH is fabulous and is just as much of a parent as I am so there is no issue with me leaving for 5 days if I wanted to….i just have no desire to at all.

And if I’m honest, for all those saying about needing to maintain a strong personal identity away from being “just being mum”….is “just being mum” really that bad? Kids grow so fast and I personally don’t see anything wrong with priorities changing while they are young. I still make a point of seeing friends and doing things but jetting off on 5 day trips IMO is just too much for me.

Im with you op I don't think its about having a capable partner. I have a very capable partner and would happily go away for weekends in the UK. Its just if there is an emergency and one of my kids ended up in hospital and you can't get to them. Also I wouldn't want to risk getting stuck abroad especially how things are currently.

I don’t judge anyone for doing it. But it’s not for me. I don’t leave my children in this country anymore longer than one night.

I’ve never travelled abroad without my kids.

I can no longer enjoy those things since becoming a mum. My DCs are all above 8 now, but I still can't do it.

I won’t leave mine in another country either OP. Flights get cancelled for war, covid, volcanos, system crashes. I also don’t let grandparents take them abroad without me. A drive or train ride away np.

My children are 10 and 3. I’m going to Majorca for 4 nights with my friends at the end of August, I feel ok about it, however, this is the first time I’ve left the country without them in over 10 years. You may feel differently in a few years x

I left my 8 month old 30 years ago to go to New York for 4 days with friends. No mobile phones either.
Dh was great...no help from anyone as we didn't have anyone! I went away every year as a parent, as did dh.

actually I am going to contradict myself to add having your identity tied to your children (and this being a negative thing) is a laughable concept anyway - I don’t know how you don’t have your identify in some way or other tied when you have 2 littles. I only have one - I work a busy, objectively successful job, I see friends weekly - evenings and weekends as well as planned overnights, go to the gym twice a week, have a weekly hobby try and plan date nights with DH - all of this is exhausting to do btw- and I still of course feel like my identity is tied to my DC. They’re not the only thing in my life but they certainly are the most important

there are seasons for everything and the days of them being young go so fast so everyone should show up for their kids how they see best not how they think they should be doing things or how society tells them to. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal and @LoftyPlumFox on your deathbed you’re not going to be regretting missing the hen do😂

to be fair @Crushed23 if you re-read your initial quote I don’t think @NeedAdvice6432 is inferring anything (other than your identity being tired to hen dos). By you saying “I would hate to lose myself to motherhood” it’s suggesting that’s what has happened because @LoftyPlumFox doesn’t want to leave her 2 kids for a hen do. Lots of people don’t feel like their identity is tied to their children but also don’t want to leave them and that’s ok.

@NeedAdvice6432 is purely stating the logistical challenges that come with life with kids and the fact that you things change massively when they’re here whether you think they will or not. We all have an idea of what kind of parent we think we will be and hope we will be and I’m sure all mothers have been in situations where we’ve found ourselves doing or being someone we didn’t expect. It may have been unintentional but your original quote seems as if you’re saying the OP is doing something wrong which as a mother /parent is very common to feel like all the time anyway and the OP has already said that they feel like their doing something wrong - which they’re not - we can all parent how we wish as long as everyone is safe and happy.

Both DH and I have had to travel abroad for work - dc1 was about 14 months old and still BF when I first went. I then went for personal reasons when DC 2 was 4. DH is very hands on so I have had no qualms leaving them with him but I did feel a bit anxious.

No, I personally wouldn't leave my kids to go on a hen do abroad for the reasons you've said. I'd do it for a funeral and possibly for work but with a sense of unease.