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Original poster

DS hates his 1:1 at school - don't know what to do

59 replies

EmeraldEcho · 08/03/2026 17:27

My son is 13 and in year 9 at a mainstream school. He has autism and adhd and he spent most of year 7 struggling massively, he had awful meltdowns basically everyday, he was given a reduced timetable as he just couldn't cope, he also hated school

At the start of year 8 he was allocated a TA, he isn't part of the school but he has been employed to be his TA, he's had a lot of experience with SEN children and adults but DS was his first in school support. To my surprise he bonded with him really well and ds really came on so well.

Toward the end of year 8 in the summer term he started taking ds to tesco where he buys ingredients for their cooking and ds also loves this and looks forward to that day, its also building his life skills and maths etc. DS calls him his best friend

This academic year however he's only with him for 3 days, mon-weds and on the Thursday and Friday he has a new TA. They said it was so he needed to bond with someone else if his main TA was off sick (we never had that last year thankfully).

the issue is she really doesn’t know how to deal with him

The first issue is he tells them he needs the toilet quite a lot even if he doesn't actually need it. When he's with his main TA, he encourages him to do a bit more work first (the times when he asks if he's only just gone 5 minutes ago as he uses it to get out of things he doesn't want to do) then takes him, he checks if anyone is in the boys toilets and if there is tells him to go in the disabled and waits for him then checks he's washed his hands. He really doesn't need anyone to do any more than that but in school he needs someone with him and the whole point of a 1:1 is to be with him all the time.

The woman however, tells him no you've already been do your work, I don't know the tone she's saying it in obviously but because he doesn't know when he's going he keeps asking and then meltdown. When he does go to the toilet she sends him alone and then he often goes back soaking wet so he's wetting himself, I initially thought it was water but his underwear is also soaking and it's definitely wee. He's in some mainstream classes now in some subjects so I'm worried about bullying.

He also gets distressed when he needs to get changed and that's another meltdown. He just doesn't seem to have bonded with her, there's also times where he's not on her rota for a Friday so he gets whoever's available and that causes problems too. The school say it's nothing to do with them it's the company and have said they will mention it but it keeps happening

On Wednesdays in his book it often says he’s been on edge all day and presumably because he knows what the next day will be like, we also have problems at home Wednesday evening. Then he's still fragile at the weekend too the smallest thing sets him off and it's only been this academic year. He's said multiple times he wants the main TA even at school during the meltdowns, at home I've tried to explain that he's busy working with other people but it doesn't really register and he's said in his own words he hates her, he hates school and “no school Thursday and friday” is a common saying from him he does always go but it feels mean and I'm also worrying those entire days he's at school

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Buscobel · 08/03/2026 18:28

As children grow into young adults, it’s often helpful to reduce the amount of 1-1 time, to encourage some independence and problem solving skills. That doesn’t mean that a child has to do without support, more that it’s ’light touch’, ready to step in when needed.

I agree that the second person may not be the best fit, so a discussion with the school would be helpful, to see what can be adjusted.

Original poster
EmeraldEcho · 08/03/2026 18:15

@Smartiepants79He does know when he needs the toilet and goes but he also says he needs the toilet to avoid doing things, he's like it at home too if we are out he’ll go to the toilet and a few minutes later he says he needs the toilet again and we know he doesn't but then we tell him he will go in x time and he's fine and no accidents happen.

I don't know how the wetting has been happening, i thought it could be water at first but then his underwear is also soaking. My theory is he doesn’t actually go to the toilet when he leaves the classroom so he just wets himself I don’t know why she doesn’t go with him, he doesn’t need anyone in the toilet with him just to escort him and wait outside so it isn’t safeguarding.

But as i said he also gets different TA’s and I do understand he needs to work with others and we were lucky that the usual TA had no days off last year but when it constantly changes it causes him so much anxiety

And how he is on the thursday and friday and during the weekend is exactly how he was in year 7 when I really thought the school were going to say they can't meet his needs

His communication book is rarely filled in on these 2 days too so I don't know what he's eaten/what he's done/ how his day has gone and he won't tell me as talking about school just upsets him

Maybe you're right and he has become too reliant on one person but he did spent every school day with him for an entire school year… That wasn’t ds’s choice or mine or even the TAs he was just doing his job and what he was told

And yes he isn’t his friend but try telling that to a child with autism and social struggles

OP posts:
PracticallyPeapod · 08/03/2026 18:00

The first TA has got too close to your son and that is part of the issue now as he has become over reliant on one person. As people have said, he shouldn’t be a friend. His role is to enable your son to access education as fully as possible.

Clearly things aren’t working well with TA number 2 but it’s going to be hard to work out if that’s an issue with her or if it’s just that she isn’t TA 1.

JMSA · 08/03/2026 17:52

BeMintFatball · 08/03/2026 17:48

A good TA is not a friend. Nip that idea in the bud. Much healthier to have 2 people employed so there is cover if one has to be away for any reason .

The new woman doesn’t sound a good fit for your son. As your son needs encouragement to go to the toilet at the appropriate time go back to the school and ask for a second male TA . In the meantime DS should be allowed to use the disabled toilet

This is unrealistic. Chances are, the school only has one male TA.

JMSA · 08/03/2026 17:51

Communication is key here. It sounds like a meeting needs to be set up and a discussion had, so that everyone is on the same page. If they’re both telling your son different things, it’s not going to work.
I feel sorry for the new lass though. It’s not an easy job.

BeMintFatball · 08/03/2026 17:48

A good TA is not a friend. Nip that idea in the bud. Much healthier to have 2 people employed so there is cover if one has to be away for any reason .

The new woman doesn’t sound a good fit for your son. As your son needs encouragement to go to the toilet at the appropriate time go back to the school and ask for a second male TA . In the meantime DS should be allowed to use the disabled toilet

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 08/03/2026 17:40

While I think you have absolutely valid concerns about TA2 - and should raise the issues with the school, I also think your DS sounds too dependent on TA1.

Smartiepants79 · 08/03/2026 17:40

This is difficult as having one specific person with him all the time is not feasible. People will be off sick, on training, even leaving completely. He does need to be able to cope and manage with changing personnel.
That being said there does need to be consistency of approach. Particularly about things such as how toilet breaks are managed. There should be a plan for how this is dealt by all concerned. I am a little confused as to why he’s wetting? Does he not go when he’s in the toilet? As a choice? So say he’s uses it to get out of stuff? And doesn’t know when to go?? Can he reliably toilet himself? Is this him using the toilet as an excuse but then misjudging it and wetting?

Mermaidsaremiracles · 08/03/2026 17:34

I'd arrange a meeting to communicate the issues with both school and the company there, and highlight his needs are not being met. Coming out of the toilet wet only when with the other TA is really telling. Tbh I would ask if the usual TA goes back to full time with him, and the Thursday/Fri person observed and learns from them for a decent handover for a week or two. Probably not possible though, and if it can't be resolved wouldn't it be better for your son to be unsettled on just the odd day if the usual TA is off, rather than dreading school every week and this impacting on the rest of the week?