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Original poster

DS hates his 1:1 at school - don't know what to do

59 replies

EmeraldEcho · 08/03/2026 17:27

My son is 13 and in year 9 at a mainstream school. He has autism and adhd and he spent most of year 7 struggling massively, he had awful meltdowns basically everyday, he was given a reduced timetable as he just couldn't cope, he also hated school

At the start of year 8 he was allocated a TA, he isn't part of the school but he has been employed to be his TA, he's had a lot of experience with SEN children and adults but DS was his first in school support. To my surprise he bonded with him really well and ds really came on so well.

Toward the end of year 8 in the summer term he started taking ds to tesco where he buys ingredients for their cooking and ds also loves this and looks forward to that day, its also building his life skills and maths etc. DS calls him his best friend

This academic year however he's only with him for 3 days, mon-weds and on the Thursday and Friday he has a new TA. They said it was so he needed to bond with someone else if his main TA was off sick (we never had that last year thankfully).

the issue is she really doesn’t know how to deal with him

The first issue is he tells them he needs the toilet quite a lot even if he doesn't actually need it. When he's with his main TA, he encourages him to do a bit more work first (the times when he asks if he's only just gone 5 minutes ago as he uses it to get out of things he doesn't want to do) then takes him, he checks if anyone is in the boys toilets and if there is tells him to go in the disabled and waits for him then checks he's washed his hands. He really doesn't need anyone to do any more than that but in school he needs someone with him and the whole point of a 1:1 is to be with him all the time.

The woman however, tells him no you've already been do your work, I don't know the tone she's saying it in obviously but because he doesn't know when he's going he keeps asking and then meltdown. When he does go to the toilet she sends him alone and then he often goes back soaking wet so he's wetting himself, I initially thought it was water but his underwear is also soaking and it's definitely wee. He's in some mainstream classes now in some subjects so I'm worried about bullying.

He also gets distressed when he needs to get changed and that's another meltdown. He just doesn't seem to have bonded with her, there's also times where he's not on her rota for a Friday so he gets whoever's available and that causes problems too. The school say it's nothing to do with them it's the company and have said they will mention it but it keeps happening

On Wednesdays in his book it often says he’s been on edge all day and presumably because he knows what the next day will be like, we also have problems at home Wednesday evening. Then he's still fragile at the weekend too the smallest thing sets him off and it's only been this academic year. He's said multiple times he wants the main TA even at school during the meltdowns, at home I've tried to explain that he's busy working with other people but it doesn't really register and he's said in his own words he hates her, he hates school and “no school Thursday and friday” is a common saying from him he does always go but it feels mean and I'm also worrying those entire days he's at school

Wwyd?

OP posts:
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ExistingonCoffee · 09/03/2026 14:23

If your preference was for SS and the LA named MS, did you appeal?

He’s still getting his 1:1.

Except OP’s DS isn’t receiving 1:1 at all times as per the EHCP. If 1:1 at all times is detailed, specified and quantified in F of the EHCP, it isn’t optional. It isn’t down to anyone on here to say it isn’t needed. It has been judged to be reasonably required, must be provided and can be enforced. OP, is the wording in F watertight?

If he's fine with the toilet usually and with the TA then it's a behavioral issues.

You don’t know this. It isn’t as simple as that. Nowhere near.

andweallsingalong · 09/03/2026 11:52

If the toilet is always locked maybe he could learn to always use the disabled as an easier routine.

andweallsingalong · 09/03/2026 11:51

I would put in a complaint that he isn't being taken to the toilet and as a consequence is wetting himself. I would leave the rest out as I think it confuses the main issue.

Is there anyone in the family who could pick him up at lunch, make sure he uses the toilet and feed him to temporarily resolve the issue. If you have contact with the male TA could you mention it to him. He might be better placed to tell you whether the toilet is likely to be locked as the issue or something else.

Original poster
EmeraldEcho · 09/03/2026 10:52

He didn't do it before 1:1 but he never did a full day in year 7 with being sent home and then the reduced timetable. He used to hold and then be desperate as soon as he got home if he did a full day he probably would've wet then as he wouldn't have been able to hold anymore

He does use the going to the toilet as avoidance but if he's focused and distracted he asks for it less only if he actually needs to. He needs to know when he's going though otherwise that makes his anxiety worse and the meltdown escalates. For example if we're out I said he will use it before we leave wherever we are and he's fine but if I just said no you've been then that would cause a meltdown

The toilet isn't the only issue like I said his communication book is rarely filled in so i don’t know what he’s done or eaten. On friday it just said he threw himself off of his chair but he was checked over and was fine it didn’t say anything about what lead up to it

OP posts:
Choconuttolata · 09/03/2026 09:41

I agree Lougle, clearly OP's DS has been recognised as needing this support and that is what has been working so far. If he is going to develop more independence skills it would be in a supported way with a TA who knows him well, with experience in supporting autistic young people. He isn't just going to magically start doing it if left to go on his own because he doesn't have the processing and interoception ability, so he will have to develop the skill as a new habitual behaviour which needs someone to help him develop independence with the steps that requires. Then they can step back slowly once he is able to consistently do it independently. The problem is secondary schools lock toilets this makes it harder, he would need a key for the disabled toilet so he can access it consistently himself for that to work.

He may well be saying he needs the toilet when he is anxious and finds work hard, my DS will say he is tired or distract by talking when starting work because he finds that transition difficult. He needs a supportive person to say gently 'come on let's just try to write this sentence first or try this first' like his main TA does. It isn't the same as a typical teenager.

Lougle · 09/03/2026 09:19

sunshine244 · 09/03/2026 08:25

If he's fine with the toilet usually and with the TA then it's a behavioral issues. Giving back the other TA would work short term but isn't a solution. In fact it sounds like the second TA is trying to build boundaries and independence and he's not keen on it.

You need to get to the bottom of why he's wetting himself. Surely it's obvious if it's urine or tap water? Did he do this before having 1:1?

Play therapy would be good if he won't discuss at home.

That's a leap. The first TA takes him, checks the door is unlocked, and if not, takes him to the disabled toilet, which is further awsy.

The other TA is denying him the opportunity to use the toilet, then sending him on his own. We don't know if he's getting to the toilets, they're locked, and he doesn't know what to do, or is he's getting to the toilets, they're locked and he can't cope with making his way to the disabled toilets, or whatever.

This isn't a regular 13 year old. It's really quite unusual for secondary school children to have 1:1 support in mainstream school, so his level of need must be high.

sunshine244 · 09/03/2026 08:25

If he's fine with the toilet usually and with the TA then it's a behavioral issues. Giving back the other TA would work short term but isn't a solution. In fact it sounds like the second TA is trying to build boundaries and independence and he's not keen on it.

You need to get to the bottom of why he's wetting himself. Surely it's obvious if it's urine or tap water? Did he do this before having 1:1?

Play therapy would be good if he won't discuss at home.

Lougle · 09/03/2026 06:54

Shutuptrevor · 09/03/2026 00:14

I disagree. He’s still getting his 1:1. But he would be much better served for the future being helped to develop at least partial coping strategies rather than making it all the school’s problem. You won’t agree, i’m sure, that’s fine.

Show quote history

1:1 is only supportive if it is effective. If he isn't being encouraged to stretch his tolerance for lesson time, isn't being supervised for toileting, and is getting dysregulated because of the approach of the staff member, then it isn't support.

Shutuptrevor · 09/03/2026 00:14

Lougle · 08/03/2026 23:11

The 'challenge' is having his EHCP ignored 2 days per week. That isn't something to rise up to, it's something that needs to be remedied.

@EmeraldEcho you know what works. Gently stretching his tolerance for work, being accompanied to the toilet, having a check in after using the toilet. Clear recording in the communication book when significant events have occurred. Those are not big demands.

Go to the school and say that you're not against him having a variety of staff, but they do all need to follow the same approach. Ask that a meeting is arranged with the company to come up with a behavioural plan that everyone will adhere to.

If they won't do that, go to your LA Caseworker and ask them to intervene.

Show quote history

I disagree. He’s still getting his 1:1. But he would be much better served for the future being helped to develop at least partial coping strategies rather than making it all the school’s problem. You won’t agree, i’m sure, that’s fine.

DryadsRest · 08/03/2026 23:20

I think raven law had the right idea, it’s difficult challenging a school if they’re not supporting your child, I think take raven law’s advice will help you. And I think posting in Sen specific places will benefit you too.

Lougle · 08/03/2026 23:11

Shutuptrevor · 08/03/2026 22:46

What strategies have you tried with your DS to help him rise to this challenge, OP?

The 'challenge' is having his EHCP ignored 2 days per week. That isn't something to rise up to, it's something that needs to be remedied.

@EmeraldEcho you know what works. Gently stretching his tolerance for work, being accompanied to the toilet, having a check in after using the toilet. Clear recording in the communication book when significant events have occurred. Those are not big demands.

Go to the school and say that you're not against him having a variety of staff, but they do all need to follow the same approach. Ask that a meeting is arranged with the company to come up with a behavioural plan that everyone will adhere to.

If they won't do that, go to your LA Caseworker and ask them to intervene.

Original poster
EmeraldEcho · 08/03/2026 23:07

I tried for a sen school when he was in year 6 for year 7 but got told his needs weren't severe enough.

I think what helped was he met his TA 3 times before the start of year 8, first time he came to visit him at home and he refused to talk to him. The 2nd time we went on a walk and that was a little better and he told him what he liked (not school related) and when he said he liked Pokemon and the TA said he did too something changed and ds became a bit more comfortable and the final meeting ds was excited to show his Pokemon cards

The first few weeks weren't amazing but they were much better than the entire year 7 where he never did a full day between getting sent home and the reduced timetable. He's came on so much during the past year and is doing well and in mainstream maths at year 9 level and he's likely to sit a maths GCSE, he's just generally happier at school apart from the other days with the other TA and it doesn't help it keeps switching so it's not always her so he has no idea who he's getting and I know sometimes that's unavoidable due to sickness but it happens so often.

I don't know if they're trained properly, like I said this usual TA hadn’t worked in a school setting before but he had a lot of experience and training with other children and adults with SEN out in the community, I don't know if that's the case for the new TAs

I just don't think it's a toileting issue when he's fine at home and even when we're out and about and he's fine the other 3 days

OP posts:
saraclara · 08/03/2026 23:03

Shutuptrevor · 08/03/2026 22:46

What strategies have you tried with your DS to help him rise to this challenge, OP?

🙄

RavenLaw · 08/03/2026 23:02

Shut up, Trevor.

Shutuptrevor · 08/03/2026 22:46

What strategies have you tried with your DS to help him rise to this challenge, OP?

DryadsRest · 08/03/2026 22:39

RavenLaw · 08/03/2026 22:37

I think it sounds like he needs an urgent early annual review and this might not be the right school for him. The toileting problems may be connected to poor interoception, but whatever is going on he is plainly very distressed at school. What are the options in your area - could he transfer to specialist or to a much smaller and more nurturing setting?

compl agree

RavenLaw · 08/03/2026 22:37

I think it sounds like he needs an urgent early annual review and this might not be the right school for him. The toileting problems may be connected to poor interoception, but whatever is going on he is plainly very distressed at school. What are the options in your area - could he transfer to specialist or to a much smaller and more nurturing setting?

DryadsRest · 08/03/2026 22:24

Think it’s a very sad that he’s lost his 1 to 1 full time. Think school will be more receptive to you explaining the lack of consistency and support in not following the strategies used by usual TA , try and avoid framing it as your son doesn’t like the TA. (Even though I think there’s nothing wrong it’s human nature that we get on with some people more than others!)

DryadsRest · 08/03/2026 22:19

EmeraldEcho · 08/03/2026 21:34

His EHCP says he needs a 1:1 with him at all times during the school day mainly to support him accessing learning but also with emotional regulation and support during lunchtime if he's buying lunch then with queuing and asking for what he wants (obviously not worded exactly like that). It says about a consistent adult and he can use avoidance techniques to get out of work (which is what the toilet asking probably is) and staff should manage with reassurance and clear boundaries as anything else can escalate him

So I would've thought taking him to the toilet probably comes under that of course if its a female TA she can't check the male toilets but she could still take him and wait outside the toilets as that's nothing to do with safeguarding or anything like that

The only reason male TA checks the male toilets first is if they're closer to those toilets as the disabled can be further away depending on what part of the building they are.

We don't know what's actually happening when he wets himself my only theories are he doesn't go at all for whatever reason (though I don't see why he’d purposely choose to wet himself) or the male toilets are locked and he gets overwhelmed and he doesn't think to go to the disabled because he panics.

I also don't think he's wetting to try and have the usual TA back FT. I just don't think he thinks like that as he doesn't really think if I do x, y will happen

Would it be worth posting this on the SEN boards. I think you’ll get more understanding responses there.

The usual TA obviously does an excellent job and followed the ECHP. The new TAs do not sound like they’re following the ECHP. I would focus on that and quote specific sections on the Echp which are not being followed such as consistent 1 to 1. Are the new TAs trained properly?

Vivienne1000 · 08/03/2026 21:58

EmeraldEcho · 08/03/2026 20:11

How is that relevant to my post?

Show quote history

Because a lot of pupils don’t warm to one of their TAs. It’s not usually the TA who is the problem.

EmmaBridgewaterr · 08/03/2026 21:57

EmeraldEcho · 08/03/2026 20:43

As I said DS doesn't need any type of intimate care, he's capable of using the toilet himself. He just needs to be checked if he's washed his hands, as sometimes he needs reminded (to the point we have a wash hands sign at home) or told to dry them as he also has a habit of rushing our with wet hands. I'm not saying she needs to go in with him, just wait outside.

There's the boys toilets, girls toilets, and one disabled toilet with the big cubicle on each floor. The male TA would check there wasn't any or many people in the male toilets (and it was unlocked as they tend to lock the toilets during lesson time) and if it is busy or locked then they'd go to the disabled toilets a short walk away. Obviously a female ta couldn't check but she could escort him to I still think the role of a 1:1 is to be with him at all times and not leave him to wander and wet himself. I get it probably is annoying to take him multiple times a day to the toilet when you can't be sure he actually needs it so it really feels like she just doesn't want to take him

As I said I'm concerned about bullying and he's really struggling those 2 days which is having a knock on effect to the Wednesday and the weekends so the only good days he's having are Monday and Tuesday as on Wednesday he's obviously worrying

@90sTrifleI don’t agree he’s manipulating the situation. he’s autistic and he has the same TA every school day last year, even the original TA was confused that he had him less this year so i don’t think it was his choice, likely schools. but give him 2 to begin with then instead of letting him get attached to the same person. He’s not working in the school when he’s not with DS luckily as that would likely cause even more upset.

He quite clearly does need some
sort of intimate care if he’s weeing his pants at age 13

Original poster
EmeraldEcho · 08/03/2026 21:34

His EHCP says he needs a 1:1 with him at all times during the school day mainly to support him accessing learning but also with emotional regulation and support during lunchtime if he's buying lunch then with queuing and asking for what he wants (obviously not worded exactly like that). It says about a consistent adult and he can use avoidance techniques to get out of work (which is what the toilet asking probably is) and staff should manage with reassurance and clear boundaries as anything else can escalate him

So I would've thought taking him to the toilet probably comes under that of course if its a female TA she can't check the male toilets but she could still take him and wait outside the toilets as that's nothing to do with safeguarding or anything like that

The only reason male TA checks the male toilets first is if they're closer to those toilets as the disabled can be further away depending on what part of the building they are.

We don't know what's actually happening when he wets himself my only theories are he doesn't go at all for whatever reason (though I don't see why he’d purposely choose to wet himself) or the male toilets are locked and he gets overwhelmed and he doesn't think to go to the disabled because he panics.

I also don't think he's wetting to try and have the usual TA back FT. I just don't think he thinks like that as he doesn't really think if I do x, y will happen

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 08/03/2026 21:25

drspouse · 08/03/2026 18:57

I do feel for you - he sounds a lot like my DS! In his second primary school he had up to 5 different people in a week and surprise suprise he didn't last there after having several meltdowns and being excluded.
He now has in his EHCP "maximum of 2" people as his TA. Does your DS have anything like that? What about the training specified?

I’m really surprised this is something they think they can promise. The are so many reasons why it might happen that neither of those two people are there. How consistent have they been able to be?

saraclara · 08/03/2026 21:15

Octavia64 · 08/03/2026 20:50

I have worked as both a Sen teacher and a 1:1 ta.

it really isn’t normal for the 1:1 to physically accompany a student to the toilets.

however it doesn’t matter what is normal it matters what is written down in his EHCP. What does his EHCP say?

As a teacher in special education for 40 years, I disagree. Accompanying a child to the toilet (but not into the cubicle*) can be absolutely normal if their care/behaviour plan deems it necessary.

*Except where there are very severe needs and another adult is also present.

sunshine244 · 08/03/2026 21:14

Read your update... why do you feel having the TA walk him to the toilet would help? What do you think is happening that is leading to him wetting himself if he doesn't need help with toileting? Can he choose to go to the disabled toilet himself?

Does he have a learning disability?