To feel like a right loser- anyone else?

If you afford to house and feed your family in a secure warm home and have a bit to save for your future and some more for some fun and relaxation and are basically healthy, then after being happy and successful is a state of mind and attitude. Success comes in numerous forms, not all recognised by monetary rewards. Caring for people who need care, supporting communitues, schools, charaties, and much mire can be a measure of success. Money is a very basic and crude measure of how successful a life is. Anyone that sneers at other people's choices around holidays or clothes is basically insecure and trying to seek validation on choices they have made. One of the most miserable collection of people I ever saw on holiday was when we were on the Island of Capri. They were getting no joy from anything and basically just competing to show how rich they were. Whereas we met loads of fun and happy people whilst doing a family road trip around South Wales one year. It might be a cliché, but nobody wishes they had spent even more time at the office on their death bed and sacrificed their life to earning money, the designer dress won't be a memory that makes them feel a life worth living on that bed, nor the holiday with people who were seeking validation by the clothes they bought.

Yes they do. Not all obviously, but some, often with an antagonistic, basically tribal sort of hostility, in my experience. OP, what would happen if you just kind of stood up for yourself and mouthed off about manners and privilege and reading the room? You might feel better, and I’ve sometimes noticed that people who are really insensitive to others often have really thick skins themselves so you can give as good as you get.

I get that - DH and I career wise have has a step up from our parents though education and have probably manged about the same as our parents did for us for them lifestyle wise - some areas bit more some areas bit less - some luck some making stategic choices with downsides.

I did when kids were young and money was so tight it was actaully adversly affecting our health worry a lot about how much more other kids seem to have - hoildays we could take them on activities couldn't afford. Overall though they've done okay.

I think like many have said you need to shift the focus on what you can't give them to listing all the benefits they do get and make sure you all make the most of them.

"Functional but fine"
What else do you need?

I was blessed with a valuable life lesson and now wish I hadn’t wasted so much of my younger years fretting and comparing myself to those around me who were very well off. A change of career took me into the world of high wealth living and I didn’t witness much happiness in the 20 years I was there. It is like living in a pressure cooker. When I came away I had a very different perspective on life. The reality was that I had more than enough, that I needed to stop looking at others and focus on enjoying what I already had. I leaned that behind all the sneering, mocking, belittling snide remarks are often very stressed unhappy people, working crazy hours, in masses of debt, broken marriages and never content. Constantly trying to project a picture of perfection to the outside world that didn’t actually exist. I may drive a crappy car, live in a small house, not have holidays and struggle to pay the bills but I wouldn’t swap it. My friends are there because they like me not because they are just networking. I live as the person I am not as the person I think I need to be to fit in. Life is stressful enough without adding anymore to it unnecessarily.

For a start your colleagues sound like idiots.

Secondly - stop comparing yourself, you have no idea what is going on in people’s lives so it may not be all it seems and even if it is, there will always be someone richer happier prettier than you. They likely have someone they feel that way about. Be grateful for what you have, you have a lot more than some.

And last but not least - money isn’t everything, I know the world can make you feel like it is but it’s not. It’s sad that you feel like a loser just because you don’t earn as much.

This is how capitalism works.

I have no interest in being wealthy. But I do want to feel safe. And I want to be able to do the things I enjoy and spend time with people that matter.

Like c’mon… ‘I feel like such a loser with my slightly not new luxury car, higher rate tax payer salaries and several healthy children’.

Stop it.

Stop pitying yourself Op you’re not a loser or victim. Your family is on 4 times the national average… do you realise how nasty this sounds towards those less fortunate than you? Get over yourself you’re too old for naval gazing.

I earn £30,000 and suspect I'll be divorced or at least seperated by the end of the year. I'm 48. I'm the loser! 🤣

Honestly it's just insecurity. It comes through in OP's post too (sorry OP!)

We are having a caravan holiday this year. If anyone sneered at me for it I'd just feel really sorry for them to be honest. Your colleagues looking down on those using state school are the biggest losers of all!

We have a good life. We can feed and clothe ourselves, give our children the odd holiday, we're paying off a mortgage and have a little bit to add to savings at the end of each month. I earn £27k a year, DH more but there'll always be someone with newer, shinier things a bigger house or more expensive holidays. I doubt it makes them happier than DH and I though. We appreciate what we've got, have fantastic children and are still very much in love.....and are secure in ourselves.

The people I aspire to be like are my aunt and uncle. They live in a tiny flat on a small pension but they are still madly in love with one another, are kind and are content with a simple, quiet life. They've won the lottery of life in my opinion! If you keep looking over your shoulder at other people you miss what's right in front of you.

Lots of people on paper look like they have it all or are "better off" than you, but you don't know what's going on in their lives. My nephew has a great house, busy social life, good job, but his wife doesn't want children and I think he's quietly devastated. My niece has a great job and flies all over the world but really wants a partner and a child. My sister has most of what anyone could want but worries about her kids and her husband is ill. Very few people really have a perfect life. It's about appreciating what you have I think. If you constantly believe " if I only had X/y/z, I'd be happier, you never will be happy!

Are you healthy @Conundrummum123
Are your family well and healthy?

Then you are wealthy. If you have your health you have wealth.
Be grateful.

There will always be people better off and people worse off. I think you're being unreasonable because I don't value people on their wealth. If you are kind, fun and healthy etc then what does it matter that other people earn more than you, it doesn't make them better (far from it). Yes money is important but it has absolutely nothing to do with someone's character or their self worth (excuse the pun). I once read a quote that said you can have a hundred problems until you have a serious health problem and then you have just one. You need to look at what's really important in life and appreciate what you do have.

It’s so hard not to compare and so difficult to keep everything in perspective. Everyone seems to feel poorer right now, no matter how much you have it doesn’t seem to go as far.
I am in my 40s and have never had a job, it’s too late for me now. I have such severe fear of failure and struggle to focus on basic tasks that I had to learn to leave the house and speak to people (I’m one of those women the “why are some people so incapable of being grownups” threads are about- but worse). I had a small inheritance and live very cheaply-no benefits. It’s pretty miserable, and awful for my sense of self. I actually have a family, no one knows but them, to the outside world I have managed to appear normal, although doing so uses all my energy. You never know what’s really going on with other people, their circumstances could change tomorrow. You are doing ok OP :) Oh and people who humblebrag are bores- ignore and avoid.

There is always someone with more

You are defining yourself using monetary value as the criteria. You need to broaden your perspective by your reckoning in also a loser - no!

When you have that level of income your are comfortable and secure (unless you are gambling) but it does not equal happiness or overall success as a person.

I read the post you’re talking about in your OP and thought it was incredibly tone deaf!! A very wealthy person forgetting how privileged they are because to them it’s just the norm.

no need to feel like a looser because of it though. I earn less that you as does DH but where we live it earns us a good enough life that we are fairly comfortable and reasonably content. You’re doing just fine OP. You’re above average earners.

I actually feel incredibly lucky and often in awe that I somehow manage to pay for a house, a child in nursery and put some money in savings. We earn about 15k less than you combined and have a huge mortgage on our house in London, but I honestly feel SO lucky that we make it work. I do think its being surrounded by the right people - I found it hard with my NCT group last year as most of them are minted, but now I'm back to my bubble with similarly minded people.

You maybe "only on 60k" but you have a conscience and point out(call out) when ppl are being sneery. I would have you as a friend a million times over one of the sneery wankers. You are doing great, and have a family which you can't put a price on.💕

I earn less than half of what you do but I don't feel like a loser. I grew up in deep poverty and I'm proud of myself and my siblings - we've all got good work ethics, and we all make around the same salary with varying levels of education. Our lives are pretty stable and I try to count my blessings because things can change out of nowhere. The hangover of my childhood is that I always expect that change which is hard to live with but overall, I feel like I've done ok considering where and what I come from. With many people who earn more it's a combination of privileges I would never have had, and choosing paths that I never would or could have. Relatively speaking people who earn double what I do, own their home, can give their child a better financial start could make me feel like a loser but it doesn't. I've worked hard to pull myself up and have always been self-sufficient, including when I've had to make sacrifices due to low income. A large part of my stability comes from the contribution of another adult because I was fortunate enough to have a child with someone who didn't turn out to be an actual loser. I am privileged compared to some others, compared to my own mum, and I recognise that.

Wow sounds like you were brought up surrounded by masses of wealth and kids can be very cruel! Secondary school is tough at the best of times without feeling looked down on! I'm sorry you went through that.

That's their world though, you'll be miserable trying to live in it. Your life sounds lovely