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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children

93 replies

Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 22:15

Hi all,

just hoping for some advice regarding my 19 (almost 20yo).

They are in an age gap relationship which I do not approve of (currently at uni).

Am I being over protective or how can I encourage my child into a relationship more their own age?

When discussed, they have indicated concern with partners their own age, particularly misogyny & lack of trust.

OP posts:
AlcoholicAntibiotic · 08/03/2026 00:42

Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 08/03/2026 00:40

I have gone out of my way to try…..
I don’t know what to do

Show quote history

Just leave her be. it’s possible you’re just trying too hard and at 19 she’ll want to be asserting her own independence.

Original poster
Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 08/03/2026 00:40

FreshInks · 08/03/2026 00:37

I think the main problem is that you actually just don’t like him very much.

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I have gone out of my way to try…..
I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
FreshInks · 08/03/2026 00:37

Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 08/03/2026 00:34

He is very different to me. Has no interest in getting to know me. Comes from a wealthy family & I feel looked down upon. I feel he is dividing us & at a young age I’m finding it extremely difficult. I feel as if my daughter is being taken away from me……

Edited

I think the main problem is that you actually just don’t like him very much.

EconomyClassRockstar · 08/03/2026 00:34

I had a relationship with someone 9 years older at that age. There is literally nothing you can do. Just be a normal, supportive parent if and when it doesn't work out. I actually bumped into him for the first time in 30 years the other day and OMG! He had aged so badly, I howled. Everyone has to learn what is right and wrong for themselves, without Mum and Dad getting involved. That's how you end up with fully fledged adults. Just be there for her either way.

Original poster
Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 08/03/2026 00:34

He is very different to me. Has no interest in getting to know me. Comes from a wealthy family & I feel looked down upon. I feel he is dividing us & at a young age I’m finding it extremely difficult. I feel as if my daughter is being taken away from me……

OP posts:
Kimura · 08/03/2026 00:30

Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 23:04

Obv the age is a factor but I think it’s infatuation & I’m concerned that she’ll get hurt.

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She could become infatuated with and get hurt by someone her own age.

Confusedmeanderings · 08/03/2026 00:27

I met my DH at uni, he is 11 years older than me. We've been happily married for 40 years. The age gap isn't necessarily a problem. More important is what kind of person he is.

Myexhas6kids · 08/03/2026 00:27

I was 20 when I moved in with my then 30 year old boyfriend. We were married for over 20 years. I’d keep your nose out of it.

titchy · 08/03/2026 00:20

Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 23:04

Obv the age is a factor but I think it’s infatuation & I’m concerned that she’ll get hurt.

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Yep she’ll probably get hurt. If she was desperately in love with a 20 year old who dumped her, she’d be equally as hurt. That’s life isn’t it. Can’t protect them from all of that.

hoarahloux · 08/03/2026 00:17

Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 08/03/2026 00:11

Cause parenting ends at 18……….

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Of course not, but she's an adult. You're allowed to be concerned but you also have to let her make her own choices and her own mistakes. This may be a mistake, it may not.

You can set boundaries (like not allowing him in your house, not meeting him, etc) but you have to accept that those boundaries will come with consequences to your relationship with your daughter.

Original poster
Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 08/03/2026 00:11

BIWI · 07/03/2026 22:35

TBH it's actually none of your business.

Cause parenting ends at 18……….

OP posts:
Original poster
Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 23:55

Netcurtainnelly · 07/03/2026 23:50

True.
I'm sure she couldn't give a toss that mother doesn't approve

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Probably not but I actually care for my dd & this is new to me.

what’s your problem?

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 07/03/2026 23:53

Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 22:56

I completely understand but 30-40 is a bit different to 19-29.
I guess the gap closes but right now I don’t feel comfortable with it

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You don’t have to be comfortable with it. You’re not dating him.

Let her make her own adult choices.

Netcurtainnelly · 07/03/2026 23:50

BIWI · 07/03/2026 22:35

TBH it's actually none of your business.

True.
I'm sure she couldn't give a toss that mother doesn't approve

ProfessorRedshoeblueshoe · 07/03/2026 23:12

She might get hurt - she might be the one that hurts him. It's called growing up

PollyBell · 07/03/2026 23:12

Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 22:56

I completely understand but 30-40 is a bit different to 19-29.
I guess the gap closes but right now I don’t feel comfortable with it

Show quote history

You dont have to it is not your relationship

Original poster
Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 23:04

Kimura · 07/03/2026 22:55

What is it that you don't approve of, just his age? Have you even met him?

Your daughter is an adult; unless she's particularly immature or somehow vulnerable and you have reason to believe that he's taking advantage of her, you need to butt out.

You shouldn't be monitoring her relationships or encouraging her into relationships you approve of.

Obv the age is a factor but I think it’s infatuation & I’m concerned that she’ll get hurt.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 07/03/2026 23:01

Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 22:37

Sorry, met at uni. An older student. But lives on campus so don’t know how to monitor

What do you mean, monitor? She's an adult, she's choosing to be in a relationship with him. Unless you want to cause a rift in your own relationship with her, I'd keep your opinion to yourself. What I'd actually do is invite them both for dinner and get to know him - you might like him!

DeftWasp · 07/03/2026 23:01

Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 22:56

I completely understand but 30-40 is a bit different to 19-29.
I guess the gap closes but right now I don’t feel comfortable with it

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Not really, its 10 year, it will always be 10 years, my mum was 18 when she married my dad who was 11 years older at 29 - they were together until he died at 86!

Its more important if he's a nice decent fellow.

AlcoholicAntibiotic · 07/03/2026 22:59

Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 22:56

I completely understand but 30-40 is a bit different to 19-29.
I guess the gap closes but right now I don’t feel comfortable with it

Show quote history

You don’t have to be comfortable with it. You aren’t the one in the relationship with him.

Original poster
Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 22:56

AlcoholicAntibiotic · 07/03/2026 22:51

I have quite a few family members with a similar age gap between them and their long term partners.

Back off. She’s an adult and at university. If he or she treats her well that’s the only important thing.

Edited

I completely understand but 30-40 is a bit different to 19-29.
I guess the gap closes but right now I don’t feel comfortable with it

OP posts:
Kimura · 07/03/2026 22:55

What is it that you don't approve of, just his age? Have you even met him?

Your daughter is an adult; unless she's particularly immature or somehow vulnerable and you have reason to believe that he's taking advantage of her, you need to butt out.

You shouldn't be monitoring her relationships or encouraging her into relationships you approve of.

DestinedToBeOutlived · 07/03/2026 22:53

My son was in an age gap relationship, over 20 years, and the bloke was an absolute bell end.

Still I welcomed him, and made sure ds and I still had a completely open and honest relationship, and so when problems started he came to me instead of hiding it because I wasn't against them.

It fizzled out after a year thank god.

All you can do is support your child really.

Original poster
Theresaratinmykitchen1 · 07/03/2026 22:52

Ok, thank you for everyone’s input. Tbh I didn’t know what I can do as a parent. I’ll try dealing with it for the moment x

OP posts:
AlcoholicAntibiotic · 07/03/2026 22:51

I have quite a few family members with a similar age gap between them and their long term partners.

Back off. She’s an adult and at university. If he or she treats her well that’s the only important thing.