Adult children

I mean, presumably, you didn't date someone 9 years younger in your late 20s and then attempt to fuck them up and cut them down quite substantially. Which was why I was happy to see he had aged badly. His mean soul was now very much showing on his face.

Although, in many ways, I'll always thank him. I learned a lot about what I didn't want in my life from him.

Eek 😬. I wouldn’t be happy with that either.

Sorry, I’ve no experience on this to be able to help.

Thats fine

She’s an adult. You may not think that parenting stops at 18, but the degree of influence you can have is as much or as little as your daughter will allow you.

Is the age gap really your main issue, or is the fact that he has a different socio-economic background? Is he really ‘looking down’ on you, or are you viewing everything he does, and what he offers your daughter, through the prism of the chip you appear to have on your shoulder?

Trying to engage in a power struggle over your daughter, as if she’s an object you’re fighting to retain control of, will not achieve what you want it to. Your daughter is her own person, with her own life and aspirations. She may not live a life that resembles the one you live, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you try to force onto her your ideas of who she should be, and of what she should want, you run the very real risk of poisoning your relationship.

You can't stop her doing anything. I'm guessing she knows you're judging her / him / the relationship and is pulling away because she/they don't want the negativity

What 19yo gives a monkey's what their parents approve of or "encourage", regarding their relationships or anything else? If you complain it'll just make her more determined to carry on with it.

How many people do you know who are still with the person they were dating at 19? It'll almost certainly end in time. Leave it be.

Knowing her well, I think it was the other way round, she was mature for her age and frankly he was a bit of a drip, she targeted the poor chap!! - I went to their wedding and keep in touch, nothing odd or sinister in the relationship that I can see. They have been houseparents at the school for decades and seem very committed to each other and the job.

Is it just the age gap you are worried about? What’s he like as a person?

I met DH when I was 29, he was 19. Probably his parents thought it would blow over but we married and are happily together after 28 years and have 2 adult DC. So don’t bank on it changing.

OP, she's just growing up - of course she's going to become more distant from you, and it's completely normal. You may not like the boyfriend, but it's just none of your business.
Say nothing and just be polite, otherwise you will push your daughter away completely. This is her life, so let her live it.

That is vile - that woman was groomed. Just because there have always been perverts, doesn’t mean it has ever or will ever be okay just because they ended up married!

I know a man who at 26 started dating a 15 year old who he was teaching to play the guitar. They got married when she was 20 an had two kids although now divorced. It wasn’t okay just because it had an outcome of marriage and children

You can absolutely dislike it.

But she's an adult so you get absolutely no say whatsoever in who she has relationships with.

You're concerned she's isolating herself from you, but she's off living her life and enjoying her independence. The more you try to push her to do things that you think she should be doing, the more she will isolate herself from you.

And yes, she may get hurt. That's part and parcel of life.

When I was at school (late 90's) a girl in my class was having a fling with one of our teachers, she would have been 17 and he mid to late 20s, we all thought she was mad - back then the headmaster just pretended nothing was going on - fast forward 30 years, they have been married for I guess 25 years or so, have 4 kids, he's still at the school, as is she, having joined the teaching staff after uni.

So this Lind of gap has happened since the 40s, successfully, you just don't know!

Just because people did things in the past didn’t mean it is okay through a modern lens. Your 20 year old grandmother probably left school at 14 and was in work. There were also far fewer options for women. You can’t compare a 19 year old from the 1940s with a 19 year old of today - they just aren’t the same and it takes longer now for people to reach true adulthood.

There was almost ten years between my grandparents who almost made their golden wedding. They met when she was about 20 and he was 29/30.

A 19 year old student who has very likely only just left her parents house is very clearly not in the same life stage as a 29 year old man. I'm 29 and when I look at 18/19 year olds I see children (with a few exceptions who are unusually competent/independent). There's something very creepy about an almost 30 year old who goes out of his way to date a teenager and I would be concerned.

I actually don't have a problem with age gap relationships once the younger party has reached a certain life stage. My last boyfriend was 10 older than me, but I was a woman in my late 20s with a career, previous relationships and had lived on my own for years. A 19 year old student is very different.

Having said that there is nothing you can do about it! Support her, be friendly towards the boyfriend and don't let on that you disapprove. The last thing you want to do is be vocal in your disapproval and push her away. And he could turn out to be a nice guy in the long run!

People are being a bit weird saying it’s none of your business. A 19 year old university student is not really an adult and I would question the morals of a 29 year old who wants to date someone so young - I would assume they are a pervert or unable to maintain relationships with women their own age.

It is completely different to a 29 year old with a 39 year old for example.

My brother is 28 and teaches at a secondary school with a 6th form. I would be utterly horrified if he came home with someone just one year older than the students he teaches.

It’s just icky.

The good news OP is it is unlikely to last - but try to keep quiet about your feelings lest you push her closer towards him.

Nothing you can do except make him welcome. At 19 my daughter was with a guy 10 years older, now she is 36 and with a guy 5 years younger! This relationship might not last.

She is a grown up. What do you expect from her? You sound very needing.

You daughter? is a grown up.
Forget all about monitoring. It's bonkers.

He might have thought the same about you.
We all age.

I didn't say it did. But part of parenting - a very important part IMVHO - is knowing when to let your child/ren make their own way in life, as an adult. Which means they get to make their own decisions. Even if you disagree with them.

As a parent you can advise, possibly guide - but it's not your role to 'monitor' your daughter's life and relationships.

Do you not think.that this is just her growing up and asserting her independence? Separating from your parents is a very important psychological stage in your mid teens - early 20s. You'll likely be closer again in a few years but the relationship will be more adult-adult

It is developmentally normal for your DD to distance from you a bit at this age. Parenting a young adult is quite the learning curve, I didn’t expect it to be as hard as I found it initially.

The age gap isn’t that wild, especially considering they are both students. I would try and push your concern about that aside. She will almost certainly experience painful breakups/get hurt - you cannot protect her from that.

Focus on being her stable base - part of that is backing off and actively learning how. I learnt a lot from friends/acquaintances with children older than mine and listened to a couple of audiobooks. The curveballs may be different but the underlying principles are pretty consistent.

Don’t worry about expressing your disapproval.
My daughter was dating an absolute bell end and there was absolutely no way I was going to approve and tell her that he was a nice guy because he wasn’t. I was civil at best.
But she always knew he Wouldn’t be welcome in the family and if that was the path she was gonna go down it wouldn’t be as lovely and cozy. She was hoping her future might look like.
Ultimately, if you’ve got a good relationship, they will always choose you over any outsider

No it’s not any of her business. Young adult is still an adult. Her DD could get married if she wanted and there would be nothing OP could or should do.

At some point you have to accept your children are not under your control any more.

And talking about power imbalance, I think it’s better to have a caring older partner than an overbearing parent at that age.