I can't talk about peri-menopause with my partner.

I wish posters would RTFT.

OP has been jobless, grieving the death of her daughter and chronically mentally and physically ill for the last 8yrs of a 12yr relationship.
Her partner is her primary carer and the sole breadwinner. She says he has been wonderful support, only lately things are getting tense and tempers are flaring.
She was recently trying to get back into work but now she’s experiencing what may be peri symptoms so is naturally struggling.

Her partner is likely struggling too. Not many stick around when a partner essentially becomes too ill to work only 4 years into a relationship. Perhaps, with these new symptoms, he is wondering if OP will ever work again especially since she can’t even set a reminder to put some gammon in the oven.

IMHO. This isn’t a man child situation. This is a compassion fatigue and carer burnout situation. When a partner becomes disabled long term, it affects everyone in the home.

@MyMiniMetro

He thinks he has the upper-hand here but he sounds like an absolute wanker who needs mummy to sort out his packed lunch- and you can tell him I said that 😄

This. The perimenopause is a complete red herring here and I'm honestly shocked that people are advising you to go to the doctor because your OH has had a go at you for not putting some ham in the oven.

This is a prime example of how men weaponise women talking about their hormones to patronise and belittle them.

I'm not surprised you don't feel comfortable talking to him about your perimenopause: he's using it against you. Stop expecting him to be supportive of you and most of all stop being his mum.

It sounds like he's not happy that his wife has dropped a few gears and the explanation you're giving him just isn't cutting it. The big difference is that you're living it, he isn't, and any woman who is struggling with peri knows what it's like and that it can be a long hard slog that you just have to take every day as it comes. Nobody knows how bad peri can be until they're in it, every woman is different and my naivety of believing that the entirety of it was periods stopping and a few hot flushes was way off.

My saviour was HRT and Facebook groups. I felt completely and utterly alone until I read that other women were going through very similar to me and it helped immensely.

Jesus so he wants confirmation from another man that peri-menopause is a ‘thing’ because your word isn’t good enough… and he can’t put his own food in the oven? Why was he relying on you to cook his lunch in the first place? Was he at work or something? If so why couldn’t he put it in on a timer?

He thinks he has the upper-hand here but he sounds like an absolute wanker who needs mummy to sort out his packed lunch- and you can tell him I said that 😄

Your husband needs to be careful. As our nurturing baby making hormones wane so does our tolerance for numpty blokes who can’t adult.

It’s part of peri that what used to be minor irritations can cause irrational levels of anger. You just ride the wave and reconnect when you feel calmer.

I don’t think this is all you though, I think after supporting you through the tragic loss of your daughter and 8 years of being your carer as well as being the sole breadwinner while you stopped working, that he may be having compassion fatigue.

I am sure when he started out as your partner 12 years ago he could not ever have expected that your lives would go this way. That’s not your fault of course, but when someone has unexpectedly become their partner’s carer and sole financial support for a such long time (8 years is a longer than alot of marriages) they will need support and respite. Are you registered as disabled? Has he had a carer’s assessment? Does he have any support group or therapist for him to deal with how this is impacting him? He can’t be there all the time to support you if he has no support behind him too.

Yes hes a grown adult too!

Please go to your doctor. Don’t demonise the other patients, you don’t know what they are going through. The receptionists at my practice are super, but we can also book on line, can you do that?
This might be perimenopause but it might not. As others have said these signs can be caused by other conditions which might be easy to manage.
I feel worried for you because, and now I can’t find it again, you said you are grieving. You might be depressed.
MN is not the ideal place to raise this unless you did just want us to say “ tell him to cook his own bloody ham”. Please see your Dr.

Not much sympathy for him but she did say that she always tells him that he is a grown adult if he asks to be reminded.

Is there normally give and take between you when either of you are off colour? If not, it's a bigger problem. If there is, has he had to accommodate you quite a lot more recently because you are peri? Playing devil's advocate, it can get tiring being the more accommodating one longer term and a bit of rattiness is to be expected. I hope, at the very least, he will explain that and ideally apologise, fairly soon. If he continually makes you feel bad for something long(ish) term you can't control he is being an arsehole. As you say, you're more reactive at the moment as well. Give each other a bit of space until you've both calmed down and then arrange to have a chat about it where you both aim to be empathetic.

We all need educating on this. There's some good articles written by men which talk about how men should do better (maybe google and send some to him?) but honestly I should have read them. I was nowhere near supportive enough to my mum and aunty when I was a teen, and the fact that is wasn't all over the news as it is now isn't an excuse. As a stop-gap, use your phone to set alerts, but the bigger picture is that until recently, no one talked about "the change" and we should.

I’d be a bit annoyed if you
keep going on about it, but did nothing to help yourself. People harping on about the menopause/ peri menopause gets very tiresome.

I'm sorry, but I think it's a bit hypocritical to be arguing that your presumed perimenopause symptoms are this strong, but also that you don't need to see a doctor. You're quite young to be having them so I think you should check that's what's going on.
OTOH if it's so important for him, he should have cooked the gammon even if you are usually the cook of the house.

Just go to the GP get on HRT if you can easy to spread a pump or two of eastrogen gel on your legs in the morning and take a progesterone pill of a night before sleep as they can make you feel a bit sleepy .. this protects the womb lining while you still have periods... honestly its been a game changer for me much more calm and clear headed you sleep better no hot flashes or sweats protects against heart disease and osteoarthritis and it helps to keep your skin plump just get on it... your partner can't argue with you once you've been to the GP and you will feel so much better in yourself.

😆

Has he lost the use of his arms?

It bloody well is the point! Why can't he cook it himself?

OP I understand the strain that perimenopause can put put on you but it really enrages me that people use it to gloss over poor male behaviour!

It's irrelevant whether you forgot to cook his gammon because of perimenopause or whether you just forgot. And it doesn't matter. It's not your job to cook it for him. If he wanted it that much he should have set a reminder on his phone and done it himself, rather than asking you to do it.

Can we all stop using the menopause to justify entitled and selfish behaviour from men.

I cant recommend strongly enough that you start HRT as soon as you can if you are able. The earlier you start as soon as you notice symptoms, the less painful things will be, you will slow down cognitive decline that comes with lack of estrogen for the brain amongst many other long term health benefits.

Yanbu op. Perimenopausal me would've walloped him ;)

I don’t think it’s just a typical man thing to dismiss woman’s health, that’s misogynistic. I have 2 conditions that only affect woman and my partner try’s his best to understand

But this WAS a put in the oven situation?

Go to the doctor to get HRT and get him to watch the Davina McCall shows on menopause. Then he’ll understand

I'm am shocked at the amount of people who are just ignoring the actual point of the thread and instead worrying about the fact OP was asked to put the gammon in. Like she is in some way being abused! So she does all the cooking, so what? She doesn't seem to care? If I didn't work and my OH did, I'd do all the cooking too. And all the other housework to be fair. If gladly do that instead of working 40hrs a week.
I think OP's husband was out of order for moaning. But definitely doesn't require the lynching that the masses on mums net think he does!?
Have none of you ever had a argument over nothing. By which I don't mean that going through peri is nothing. I just mean an argument out of the blue? One where maybe the emotions weren't stemming from the immediate situation?
More to the point, I'm sure none of the people on here saying things like "make him put his own damn gammon in" have never asked their partner to do something for them that they could have done themselves?
Or god forbid, moaned about something being forgotten. I have a terrible memory and always have. Me and my wife have been together the best part of 2 decades and still moans when I forget something even though she's had 20 years to get used to it.
Are we all supposed to be floating around holding hands and gazing longingly into each others eyes all the time? Sometimes, people get angry when they shouldn't, forget important things, accidentally taken things for granted and many other things. Doesn't mean they're bad people.
I just feel that a lot of people have a strange idea of what a relationship is. It shouldn't be hard. But it certainly takes work, patience understanding. Not just jack it all in because my OH was a dickhead yesterday.

Why the f couldnt he put his own damn ham in ..you know what helps pri menopause? Not living with selfish shit stains

OP unfortunately all you're going to get is people getting distracted by why you were cooking the ham. People seem unable to consider that some of us like and prefer to be the cook in the house and love cooking for others

Yes but the point is- HE was the one wanging on about the gammon so surely it was HIS responsibility to remind the OP or do it himself. It's nothing to do with the fact that OP likes cooking at all. If he is going to throw a tantrum about a fucking gammon joint then HE needs to set an alarm to remind either himself or the OP so yes, it is relevant. He's a twat.