I can't talk about peri-menopause with my partner.

I don't have dementia, but I'm autistic and have DID. I forget what I'm writing as I'm writing it. I find your reply quite ableist.

@Anon543210 I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, and the other losses you have experienced - you have had a very tough year. I lost my 20 year old a year ago, very unexpected, my memory and cognitive abilities are just appalling now and I'm already on HRT so doing as much as I can there already.

Grief can take its toll in lots of ways, for a long time, even on the days which feel semi-normal. No guarantee I will remember something tomorrow that I'm told today, in fact most likely I won't remember. I think I've said a certain word, but am told I've said something else. These days I use list apps, plus schedule emails to send to myself as I would forget to do so much otherwise (and still forget things). I also find myself on high alert, I think it's just a trauma response but even a sudden noise or someone dropping something on the sofa cushion when I'm sitting there can leave my nerves feeling frazzled for ages afterwards. It took me 6 months to be able to drive without feeling very stressed.

I'm sorry he's not taking your perimenopause seriously, may be he is affected by his own grief and also has less patience? You said that you've supported each other, is that something he would talk about? Just throwing it out there with Mothers Day coming up there are lots of reminders about at the moment.

Take care of you and be kind to yourself x

Tell him to cook his own gammon for his own gammon sandwiches…. 😂😂😂 can’t believe this is a post!
You don’t actually know if you are peri menopausal! Go get tested you’ll be embarrassed if it isn’t…. !
Also leave some handy books out for your man to read up on because I ca imagine he’ll need it when you are in the thick of it. Good luck!

… nobody forgets things on purpose. That’s why they’re forgotten and not just ignored.

if you would have said that comment to him like he said then YABU. When my DH asks me to remind him to do something, my usual response is ‘ok. Can you remind me to remind you’ 😂

You can’t moan at him and say things like “you’re a grown adult you shouldn’t need reminding” and then claim it’s different for you.

Put ham on your shopping list

OP you need better coping strategies - note pad in the kitchen for daily reminders etc. You made a comment “what if I forget to write a note?” - come on now. That’s a bit much. It’s perimenopause not dementia. I’m going through it myself so I do know what you mean. It’s hard but write the note straight away. Don’t wait so you forget.

What is taking the p* is him not simply whacking a gammon in the oven. It isn’t difficult so he needs to be less pathetic on that front. I get you like cooking, but he clearly forgot too. Him working 5 days doesn’t mean he’s so exhausted he can’t stick a gammon in an oven which would be all of 5 minutes. Most people on here will work full time and still feed themselves. Perhaps one of your coping mechanisms is him having to fend for himself a little more?

He sounds like he’s being incredibly supportive of you generally and you have a lovely DH. Doesn’t excuse his behaviour of being needy and your perimenopause also isn’t a hard pass everytime you forget to do something either. Own the fact you forgot.

I mean, he does come across as a bit of a wanker, but given that you've both got a lot going on, then perhaps the 'Gammon Incident' is a sign of a temporary impasse.
OP, you say he's entering 'grumpy old man' territory - I'm absolutely NOT making excuses for his behaviour, but he is undergoing his own age-related hormonal changes, which have real effects.

Don’t ring the GP on Monday, you’ll never get through. Wait till Tuesday or Wednesday.

There’s clearly a lot going on here.

But your section about him ‘getting stubborn because he doesn’t understand women’s health issues’ makes no sense. If he recognises he doesn’t understand, he would either learn more or admit his ignorance. To be stubborn about something, he’d need to have knowledge, so an opinion.

You seem to be saying he is stubborn in his determination to maintain his ignorance. Why? That’s the behaviour of someone who views you as a kitchen appliance, not a person - the opposite of the way you describe him otherwise, as caring and supportive.

He needs to read about menopause, gain some knowledge.

Peri-menopause aside, tell him to cook his own fucking gammon!

Hi OP… Just some advice from someone who is in Peri just heading into menopause… and who has done a lot of support work at my company around menopause… Unless you get a very knowledgeable GP you may struggle to get support due to your age.. My advice.. download the “Balance App”.. Track your symptoms religiously and go into the GP with as much information as you can, do your research first!
As others have said it could well be something else for which there are tests such as an under active thyroid but there are no tests that can be done for perimenopause. I think someone else mentioned your hormone levels will fluctuate wildly in a 24hr period so they cannot do a blood test to get an answer. Based on the whole story I imagine you could easily be fobbed off with antidepressants so if you don’t believe this is depression be prepared to stand your ground. Ask for a GP with specific knowledge on Menopause and/or women’s health you might be lucky enough to find your practice has someone. As for your partner there’s quite a lot of information around specifically for partners now that you could point him to. I don’t imagine he has any idea how debilitating it can be, not excusing his behaviour but he may need to be forced to do a little reading! I was 47 but for six months I genuinely thought I had early onset dementia and it was terrifying.. I also had no idea perimenopause even existed so it’s a learning curve for many! Good luck I hope you find the answer and get the help you need.. ❤️

"I enjoy cooking and it is 1 of my live languages making him food trying different recipes and cooking from scratch. So I prefer to cook."

You might love cooking but If you had wanted to do what he asked you to do, you would have left yourself a note. Here is an old school perimenopause hack; buy a sticky note pad (medium size, the little ones are too little) and a Sharpie for bold lettering for your bedroom. Keep them OUT on your bedside table or bathroom counter so that you see them. Don't let them be covered up in other detritus. If they are covered or in a drawer you might try to remember where they are, or, more likely, forget about writing yourself a note altogether.

Put the note of what you want to remember in the morning on your mirror or on your toothbrush so that you see it when your brush your teeth. Carry the note downstairs to the kitchen with you and put the note where you will see it again, so in case you get sidetracked doing something else, the note will remind you, again. Take it down once the task is completed. This works for the office and children as well, put the note on your mirror then transfer to your keys where you will see it again when you go to leave.

Caution, limit yourself to no more than 2 items per note and no more than 3 notes per 24 hour period. It's not a to-do list, it's a memory jogger.

There’s really not many female GP’s out there.

There is clearly a whole lot else going on in your lives and relationship that only the two of you know the detail of.

If this is the start of peri it will help you to develop some coping strategies.

As others have said, I write everything down (DH does too!), paper notes, little laminated notes (Dad had dementia we adopted them then), lists, calendar reminders, literally nothing happens without a prompt.

I'm a lot further into this timewise and I genuinely couldn't function without reminders and lists - they help my anxiety as I don't have to try to remember things.

In your example one of us would have gone to the kitchen to write a note that said "cook gammon" as we know there is very little chance either of us would have remembered

fair enough if you’re the cook, but why is he having a go at you for such a small thing? Honestly it sounds like he’s being quite disrespectful and expecting you to wait on him hand and foot. When I started going through peri and menopause I found that I just wouldn’t put up with any shit I’d put up with before ( like husband expecting me to do the lion’s share of everything). Maybe you need to redefine your relationship. There is probably more of his behaviour that has started grating on you if you feel you are not as interested to be in his company

Where did OP say he wants the confirmation from another man?

Honestly, OP this is such an easy thing to forget. It’s an additional task which is not part of your normal routine. Anyone could forget that. It’s also not the end of the world. He won’t starve during the football. Other sandwich fillings are available.
The much bigger issue is the death of your daughter. That is tragic and I’m so sorry for your loss. He has also experienced a major bereavement. Grief has stages. Could it be that one or both of you are in the “anger” stage of your grief?
Please let the GP know everything you are going through as a family. You need help and support if you are struggling with this loss. Be kind and gentle with yourself and with each other. Don’t make any rash or impulsive decisions. Your emotions will be all over the place.

He's been the only working adult for the last 8 years. Hardly a shit stain. Maybe he's just fucking exhausted.

OP, whatever the problem is that is causing your brain fog and forgetfulness, there us nothing stopping you from developing work arounds like setting reminders or keeping a task calendar. Millions of women in peri who can’t take HRT use these as do other adults with these sane symptoms caused by other conditions (long Covid for example). You don’t have to wait for tests or a diagnosis to start looking into what might help you now to at least try and manage the symptoms.

Related but not strictly on topic, this thread has reminded me I need to apply my vaginal oestrogen this evening! Thank you! (Age 44 and peri as fuck, mate)

I think the problem is because he's so good to you and he asked you to do one thing for him and you forgot, he doesn't understand how you could have forgotten, it's not a question of he could have done it himself. If you do lots for one person and the other person can't do one thing that you asked them to do, it just seems unreasonable.
Just get to the gp and get hrt or whatever you need.

No one in my family (regardless of age) would remember this kind of thing unless a note was stuck somewhere really obvious.

If you have been off work for 8 years due to mental and physical health conditions, I can see why talk of perimenopause might feel to him like the next health issue starting up.